Hi everyone. Let’s just jump right into it. I, 33, am having some anxiety about my husband, 31, and Bestfriend, also 31 working together. For context and some personal history about myself I feel it’s important to explain that my ex (who I dated for 6 years) was having an affair with my (then) Bestfriend behind my back. I had suspicions and they both lied to me when I confronted them. Several times. I eventually was so unhappy that I broke things off. They went public shortly after I left the relationship and are now married. Fast forward to now, I am happily married and turns out my husband went to school with my Bestfriend and they know each other well. She lost her job about 6 months ago and he offered her a job for the meantime to make ends meet. This has turned into a long-term thing and she’s actually enjoying the work. It’s a small electrical company so it’s usually just them together in a truck going site to site and working jobs together daily. Sometimes they have a 3rd person along. They haven’t really done anything to make me not trust them but I just can’t help feeling uneasy about it. My mind constantly replays the scenario with my ex and ex bestfriend and I overthink everything. I’ve expressed how I’m feeling to my husband and he took it well, but says he doesn’t know how to alleviate it because she’s good help. I haven’t talked to her because I think this job is good for her, and I’ve seen her grow so much from it. I also think it would hurt her feelings to know I feel this way. On top of those, I also feel it’s unfair to condemn them for things other people did to me. So… what do I do? I can’t seem to wipe it out of my head 😔
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Backup of the post’s body: Hi everyone. Let’s just jump right into it. I, 33, am having some anxiety about my husband, 31, and Bestfriend, also 31 working together. For context and some personal history about myself I feel it’s important to explain that my ex (who I dated for 6 years) was having an affair with my (then) Bestfriend behind my back. They went public shortly after I left the relationship and are now married. Fast forward to now, I am happily married and turns out my husband went to school with my Bestfriend and they know each other well. She lost her job about 6 months ago and he offered her a job for the meantime to make ends meet. This has turned into a long-term thing and she’s actually enjoying the work. It’s a small electrical company so it’s usually just them together in a truck going site to site and working jobs together daily. Sometimes they have a 3rd person along. They haven’t really done anything to make me not trust them but I just can’t help feeling uneasy about it. My mind constantly replays the scenario with my ex and ex bestfriend and I overthink everything. I’ve expressed how I’m feeling to my husband and he took it well, but says he doesn’t know how to alleviate it because she’s good help. I haven’t talked to her because I think this job is good for her, and I’ve seen her grow so much from it. I also think it would hurt her feelings to know I feel this way. On top of those, I also feel it’s unfair to condemn them for things other people did to me. So… what do I do? I can’t seem to wipe it out of my head 😔
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You need therapy to deal with the trauma of your past marriage. It’s understandable that you’d have some insecurities.
So, you either get therapy or you leave your husband.
Stop punishing your best friend and husband for things they didn’t do. Seek out a therapist to help you work through these issues in a healthy way.
After only reading the title…Listen to your gut.
Did you and your husband discuss her working for him prior to her being offered the role? In my opinion your concerns are understandable because of the trauma you have experienced. All you can do now is seek therapy and trust your husband. In the future it is perfectly fine to establish boundaries between your husband and your friends.
Therapy. Together and separately
You are human, you have every right to feel how you feel but what you can’t do is project that onto them. However, I too would feel super uneasy about it, who wouldn’t after going through what you’ve gone through. I recommend therapy because getting reassurance from them wouldn’t be fair on them unless you feel like they’re doing something wrong. Which it doesn’t sound like you get that vibe from them. This will be hard OP because this is your insecurity and issue to solve and not your husband’s.
Go get some therapy
Just introduce some guys to her.
Keep her busy.
You should also work there.
Or show up often.
This is an unpopular take, but I have a personal rule of not being alone with a coworker in a vehicle (not gender specific just any gender to not be discriminatory) unless it’s absolutely unavoidable or a very short distance. It’s not that I’m worried i will do anything or vice versa, but i want to live above reproach and avoid even the optics of being alone. I work in a male heavy industry and have witnessed a lot of affairs begin this way – the one on one car time – and it usually starts innocent. Not to scare you but it’s a real thing. Most of the upstanding guys I’ve worked with hold this same rule as me. Also I’d rather there be two other people less awkward and less forced conversations lol anyways. Since he was open to the conversation, maybe you see if he would be open to this personal standard? This standard has saved a lot people a lot of HR trouble too tbh
Yeah, that’s so No for me. You are human with trauma that obviously influences your perception, but they also are human with human tendencies. That closeness in the workplace could very well lead to a trusting confidence over small complaints about you or her with some dude she’s dating. Leading to you’re the best listener and the only one I can trust. Get it? It doesn’t happen overnight, but gradually, he”s trusting her more and you less. You see, you are the relationship that requires work. She’s a buddy. Girl! Face it. You’re experience is case in point. Tell him there’s plenty of other good workers and you need your sleep at night. Do what you gotta do, and don’t be shy cause as you saw..the witches line up to take your man.
Why can’t she be paired up with some else? I would tell your husband that he needs to create distance between himself and her.
Do they communicate on a personal basis via Phone calls, text messages or social media? If so that needs to be addressed and stopped immediately.
Don’t ignore your gut.
You need your peace. She needs another job. It’s often the best friend. No amount of therapy is going to ameliorate your anxiety because many affairs, even emotional affairs begin this way. No bueno, you are right to be concerned.
Uhm.. there’s people suggesting therapy due to trauma which I can’t disagree with but I find it extremely weird that your husband went out of his way to hire a female and there just happened to be a position available right when she needed it.. and part of her job is to… ride around in a car with him all day? Not only that— you’re saying “turns out they know eachother from before” as if it’s news to you. Isn’t that something you would have known when you married your husband? Like, is this woman ACTUALLY your best friend or just a friend..? My first thought is, I don’t like the sound of any of this.
Whatever the case, I’m sure you have a good read on your husband and your friend, and what type of individuals they are..
Is he even the type of guy to do that? Some might argue all men or all people in general can’t be trusted which I guess is true but besides all that, there are strong faithful men that take a lot of pride in their marriages to their wives. Is he one of those men? Or does he give a different vibe? You know him better than anyone. The whole thing about them knowing eachother prior and you only just recently finding out about it is what is making this scenario weird.
My ex boyfriend absolutely started cheating on me with my “friend” after they started working together. Just saying.
To me this is two issues. The first one needs to be fixed by your husband asking her to find a new job. This was the plan all along, and they need to follow through. The second problem is your husband knowingly offered your friend a job to work with join with him knowing your trauma, and your friend knowing your trauma took the offer. To me the second problem is bigger than the first, although only slightly.
The fact that he did this knowing what you went through lead me to think that he either doesn’t care about your trauma, or is unknowingly doing something that hurts you. If it’s unknowingly done then he could easily unknowingly slip into an emotional affair too.
There is a book you should read about emotional infidelity called Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It might help you have a better way to communicate your discomfort with the situation.
I do think getting into therapy could help, but this is a very specific problem, and they are hitting all the buttons on your trauma. Instead of stopping that they are still working together. To me it’s an easy fix, and she’s gotta go find a new job.
Therapy
You honestly need some intense therapy. What if your husband hires another woman down the line for his company after you successfully run your best friend off from a perfectly legitimate boss-employee relationship? Your husband has been above board with you. But he does not have to run his hiring candidates through you first for his company. This woman is also his friend and by your own admission his friend first. She seems to be excelling and helping his company.
Your jealousy and unhealed trauma is going to be detrimental to your marriage.
That’s gonna be a no from me. He can find male help or none at all, he didn’t need it before and he certainly doesn’t now – this is breeding room for disaster.
Let’s see- Affairs normally start with two individuals who are in close proximity for long periods of time. At the beginning nothing is amiss as she’s learning the job, learning the ins and outs, familiarizing herself with the new position. Your husband is also familiarizing himself with her work ethic, her quirks, what she knows and what she doesn’t know. They probably have random conversations in the car about the weekend, tv shows, food, family, and work.
However, and many people may disagree with me on this, eventually those conversations transcend to something a little more personal. Whether that is personal relationship, love life troubles, disappointment, past traumas, etc. It’s almost inevitable to spend a dedicated amount of time alone in a car with another person every single day of the week and not get close to them. It’s nearly impossible. Specially if they already get along. When two people begin to lower their defenses and become vulnerable with each other, the feelings that we never thought would happen, start happening. It’s normal, which is why most affairs happen with people at work (because of the proximity, the time spent together and the opening of vulnerabilities).
Perhaps neither your husband nor your friend have any intention of doing anything wrong. They both could be in this in good faith, but there is a possibility of developing something. Anyone who tells you “you’re insecure, go to therapy” is only seeing this from one angle. The possibility is absolutely there and it’s enhanced by all the things I mentioned above.
Listen to your intuition. It’s built within you to warn you. Don’t ignore it. Talk to your husband, tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable and that you are simply not going to be the “cool wife” that represses her mortification with this situation because of their sake. Do not be comfortable with being uncomfortable.
But in the case that you decide to let it go and let them work together for an indefinite amount of time- please update us in 2 more years!
I’m puzzled as to why you’re still friends with her and how your current husband became friends with her, especially if he knows your history together. I would be extremely suspicious if my husband jumped to hire a friend of mine he knows cheated with my former husband, that’s completely reasonable. If I were in his shoes, I’d be forever wondering why you two are still friends and wouldn’t want anything to do with her.
Help her find another job.
Is your husband the one making the decision to hire or not?
Talk about boundaries. Especially with what you experienced I am sure you two can work out boundaries that you feel comfortable with.
Edit: At the end your mental health and your relationship is more important than your friend. Doesn’t mean he should kick her out immediately, but she needs to look for another job.
Don’t believe everything you think.
UPDATE: I finally decided I just needed to tell my friend how I feel and she was completely understanding. She said it’s valid and that she’s not offended at all. She offered to ride in the back seat when there’s a 3rd party with them (which she said is more often than not these days) and also offered to start driving her own car for the time being (so glad she offered this, I was trying to bring myself to suggest it from one of the comments on this post 🫶🏼). They are also going to talk to the boss about getting her her own tools and see if she’s able to have dedicated jobs to prepare the sites so then she would likely be by herself a lot of the time as well.
She also reassured me that she is only wanting to ride it out for maybe 2 years until she finishes her degree, not indefinitely. I told her I didn’t expect her to go without a job or anything like that due to my feelings and that I was okay with seeing if them riding separate would make me feel better for now. While my anxiety about the situation isn’t completely gone, this did make me feel better for now. I will try to keep this updated.
I think, if you wanted to broach the subject with your friend, you could try explaining that it’s not THEM specifically, it’s the situation. The baggage and trauma you have from your past is making you look at the situation with a jaded perspective and it’s not that you don’t trust them, you’re just wary because of your past and what you’ve been through.