I’m 19 right now. I’ve grown up high functioning, I’m really smart (not to toot my own horn) which is how I think I’ve managed so far. Things don’t come naturally to me, nothing ever has. I’ve grown up avoiding eye contact, which I didn’t realise until recently. I didn’t know the colour of my best friends eyes, because I never make eye contact. I thought that was how everyone was, I couldn’t talk to anyone in any unfamiliar scenario, and always relied on others to come to me, which doesn’t help since I love social interaction.
One big thing is how I feel emotions. I have diagnosed OCD, and apparently have “borderline traits” because of trauma. I can’t process emotions normally. I have severe limerence problems for my first (now ex) girlfriend, and I get attached easily and hard. My emotions depend on my partners emotions, and if I’m not with anyone I think about her nonstop. When I go through a break-up the world gets ripped down around me, I rely heavily on prescription medications and weed to not have violent sadness throughout the day, and this will last months. I know everyone feels really shitty about breakups, but I’m talking I let a breakup almost ruin my life.
I have always had trouble socially, but that’s pretty much where my struggles with autism end, I’m pretty booksmart but I have too much trouble maintaining social and romantic relationships, and it’s destroying me.
People are too quick to think lesser of people with autism- I’m just like you, but it destroys me in some ways.
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I’m in my 30s, I’m also autistic. We are normal, there are loads of us, society just isn’t very accommodating to people with brains wired like ours. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with us, we just have different wiring.
Learning how to maintain relationships comes with time, though you may benefit from professional guidance to help you navigate these things – a good mental health professional can be very very helpful. You have nothing to be ashamed of, be good to yourself, a lot of stuff comes with time, experience and observation.
I truly believe everyone can heal, I dont think these attachment symptoms have to last forever, and they sound like they could be apart of cptsd to me. It might be a rough journey, but i know everyone has the ability to find what works for them, what routines and lifestyles help hold a healthy mental state. I do hope you can feel better about yourself, there’s no reason to believe you’ll feel this way forever, sometimes healing just takes a grueling amount of time. Stay safe 🫶🏻
Normal is a social construct, truth is damn near none of us are “normal” just be you. The right people will vibe with you as you are.
As far as emotional regulation, talk therapy, CBT and medications can go a long way. When you doom scroll online you’ll see a ton of people say there’s no cure for borderline personality disorder. While that is technically correct it often reads as there’s no cure so nothing will make it better medications can help a lot.
I myself deal with major depressive disorder and borderline personality disorder and ADHD and it took me a long time to find a good combo, I’m on Wellbutrin, lamotragine and remeron. Night and day difference in my mood. I’m 33 and just got on this combo about a year ago. It took years of therapy, and trying different things. So don’t give up.
You’ll always have autism. But focus on what helps with your systems. When my partner is overwhelmed by noise he puts on noise cancelling headphones, when he needs his space, he lets me know, when he’s stressed he has a box of fidget stuff he can use to help when stimming.
Find what works for you and do it.
As far as your attachment style, work on that. That is something that can change but it takes work. Check out Dr Daniel Fox on YouTube. Hes very good at explaining things and providing tools.
Don’t worry so much kid. Don’t worry about fitting in or being normal or trying to impress people. By the time you’re my age none of that shit matters anyway so wasting your energy on it is pointless. Just be you. Live your best life. Do what makes you happy. It’s your life. Live it how you want and unapologetically be you.
There’s no need to be “normal” (whatever that is) in order to be lovable. Being kind and working on yourself, that’s what matters. Take your ocd and teach your book smart brain about emotions, tone of voice, nonverbal communication and so on. Your experience of relationships will likely remain different from others but why the comparison?
Everyone should be working on themselves but most people don’t realise it at age 19. You already know, so you got a (sobering) head start. Use it.
Fwiw, I’ve been with an autistic person for more than ten years and we have a family. There isn’t a magic cure (and there shouldn’t be), but this life is possible.