Background: my brother (34) and I (29) have a strained relationship to say the least. He was the golden child, I was the black sheep who is now no contact w my parents, he is still in contact. We have never been friends, never had a loving brother sister relationships, he absolutely loved getting me in trouble or throwing me under the bus to get in their good graces. Just to paint a very vague picture of our childhood with only 2 examples; our parents beat me but never him, and paid for his college but not mine. Since I went no contact he has been trying to build a relationship with me. I honestly could care less, he has literally never had my back and doesn’t benefit my life in any way. I made it very clear that if we were to have a relationship our parents didn’t get to benefit from that or have a role in it, ie, no feeding them information or brining them up unless it was absolutely necessary. He has broken those boundaries almost every time we’ve spoken.
So we just had a session with a therapist and this is what I keep replaying in my head:
(Leading up to this him and the therapist are trying to tell me that he actually does care and have my best interest at heart)
Me: speaking of caring, did you get me a bday gift this year or this the 2nd year in a row you’ve gotten me nothing (my bday was 2 weeks ago)
Brother: I asked you last year it you wanted the wicked vinyl and you said no because you were waiting to buy part 1 and 2 together, and that doesn’t come out for a few more weeks so I just haven’t sent it yet. And when was the last time you got me a bday gift?
Me: literally last year, and every single year prior. The only reason I didn’t this year is because my dog had cancer and I had to pay for his surgery, and I immediately texted you letting you know I was sorry I wasn’t going to be able to afford anything for your bday this year. Which you ended up accusing me of lying about because his tumors were removed so quickly and were successful. And tbh that was an extremely fucked up thing to ask me
Brother: well it was mom asking not me
Text messages————————
Brother: was it actually cancer though? Or just benign tumors?
Me: it was actually cancer, I wouldn’t have gone through with the surgeries
These sound like questions asked by mom
Brother: mom is not asking through me, no
——————————-( this is obviously not the full exchange but I don’t feel like typing it all out)
Me: (now I am yelling) SO IT WAS MOM ASKING. I KNEW IT. I SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU IF THESE WERE QUESTIONS FROM HER
I HAVE TOLD YOU I DO NOT WANT THEM TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME
I HAVE SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU NOT TO AND YOU LIED TO ME.
therapist: it’s not all about you!!
I truly respect this therapist which is why I’m honestly so baffled by her response. My no contact relationship w my parents and my boundaries regarding that ARE all about me? I don’t feel like those are ‘boundaries’ that are actually just being a bad person like “it’s my boundary to not be around a lot of people so I won’t be attending or celebrating your wedding” or “i need to protect my peace so it’s a boundary that my friends aren’t allowed to come to me with their problems” but please tell me if I’m wrong.
I also added the bday part bc am I crazy for being upset by that? Not a single thing for my bday for the past 2 years and this is the first explanation I got, not a text or anything saying he wasn’t able to get me a gift or it was going to be late or anything…. Just no gifts and no explanation for 2 years, but he would do Christmas gifts so it kinda just came off like he only did gifts when he knew he’d be getting something too. And even this explanation sucked. HE asked ME if that was something I would like and I said no, so I don’t get anything else? I was unaware the options were ‘this one gift idea I have, or nothing’
And it’s not even that I EXPECT a gift, I know not everyone can swing it. But am I a crazy narcissist for bringing up my bday in regards for feeling cared about. Is it a crazy thought to think that how people treat you on your bday is reflective of how much they care about you? And was it crazy for me to feel not cared about by him?
Genuinely looking for tough love on this bc my brain is still so clouded
Comments
Backup of the post’s body:
Background: my brother (34) and I (29) have a strained relationship to say the least. He was the golden child, I was the black sheep who is now no contact w my parents, he is still in contact. We have never been friends, never had a loving brother sister relationships, he absolutely loved getting me in trouble or throwing me under the bus to get in their good graces. Just to paint a very vague picture of our childhood with only 2 examples; our parents beat me but never him, and paid for his college but not mine. Since I went no contact he has been trying to build a relationship with me. I honestly could care less, he has literally never had my back and doesn’t benefit my life in any way. I made it very clear that if we were to have a relationship our parents didn’t get to benefit from that or have a role in it, ie, no feeding them information or brining them up unless it was absolutely necessary. He has broken those boundaries almost every time we’ve spoken.
So we just had a session with a therapist and this is what I keep replaying in my head:
(Leading up to this him and the therapist are trying to tell me that he actually does care and have my best interest at heart)
Me: speaking of caring, did you get me a bday gift this year or this the 2nd year in a row you’ve gotten me nothing (my bday was 2 weeks ago)
Brother: I asked you last year it you wanted the wicked vinyl and you said no because you were waiting to buy part 1 and 2 together, and that doesn’t come out for a few more weeks so I just haven’t sent it yet. And when was the last time you got me a bday gift?
Me: literally last year, and every single year prior. The only reason I didn’t this year is because my dog had cancer and I had to pay for his surgery, and I immediately texted you letting you know I was sorry I wasn’t going to be able to afford anything for your bday this year. Which you ended up accusing me of lying about because his tumors were removed so quickly and were successful. And tbh that was an extremely fucked up thing to ask me
Brother: well it was mom asking not me
Text messages————————
Brother: was it actually cancer though? Or just benign tumors?
Me: it was actually cancer, I wouldn’t have gone through with the surgeries
These sound like questions asked by mom
Brother: mom is not asking through me, no
——————————-( this is obviously not the full exchange but I don’t feel like typing it all out)
Me: (now I am yelling) SO IT WAS MOM ASKING. I KNEW IT. I SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU IF THESE WERE QUESTIONS FROM HER
I HAVE TOLD YOU I DO NOT WANT THEM TO KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME
I HAVE SPECIFICALLY ASKED YOU NOT TO AND YOU LIED TO ME.
therapist: it’s not all about you!!
I truly respect this therapist which is why I’m honestly so baffled by her response. My no contact relationship w my parents and my boundaries regarding that ARE all about me? I don’t feel like those are ‘boundaries’ that are actually just being a bad person like “it’s my boundary to not be around a lot of people so I won’t be attending or celebrating your wedding” or “i need to protect my peace so it’s a boundary that my friends aren’t allowed to come to me with their problems” but please tell me if I’m wrong.
I also added the bday part bc am I crazy for being upset by that? Not a single thing for my bday for the past 2 years and this is the first explanation I got, not a text or anything saying he wasn’t able to get me a gift or it was going to be late or anything…. Just no gifts and no explanation for 2 years, but he would do Christmas gifts so it kinda just came off like he only did gifts when he knew he’d be getting something too. And even this explanation sucked. HE asked ME if that was something I would like and I said no, so I don’t get anything else? I was unaware the options were ‘this one gift idea I have, or nothing’
And it’s not even that I EXPECT a gift, I know not everyone can swing it. But am I a crazy narcissist for bringing up my bday in regards for feeling cared about. Is it a crazy thought to think that how people treat you on your bday is reflective of how much they care about you? And was it crazy for me to feel not cared about by him?
Genuinely looking for tough love on this bc my brain is still so clouded
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Why are you bothering?
He sounds like a shit brother that really does not have your back and continues to break your trust?
What is the benefit of maintaining this relationship?