i have been “raped” as a kid and i dont have any feelings about it

I never used reddit in my life, excuse me if my post doesn’t fit the usual format and forgive my bad english. I’m guess i’m writing this because i’m not at my greatest state irl and i want to have a reason to feel bad/to feel special. I’ve lost all my friends recently. I will share you an anectodes i have shared with no one. (Im 19 rn btw)

(After reading my post i tall about things that are not in the title, since the sub is offmychest i hope it causes no problem)

As a child (6yo) i used to have a friend older than me (12yo). He was coming to my house sometimes because our parents knew each-others. One day he asked me to play a game, i accepted. He undressed my pants while i was playing on my computer (i was lying on my stomach) and i started to feel tickles on my butt. I felt him penetrating my anus with his fingers. I remember it happened a dozens of times. I felt nothing about it, and it is no different for today. I just have this memory that came back near my 17 years. I don’t know if i can call it rape since it didnt bother me and it wasn’t done with his penis, i have no ill feelings towards the friend.
I feel like i wanted him to “really” rape me so i can feel bad about it and have someone i can talk to about it. I just feel bad most of the time without clear reason. I wish that my dad has beaten me more so i can talk about it. Anything.
I feel trapped i can’t talk to anybody, i don’t want to be an attention seeker.

I have a big problem with lies.
I’ve never spoken about myself truly to anybody without lying. I lie every sentence, i always try to make a story funnier to make others laugh. Lying about doing exercice, my grades in school or being. Some friends knew that i was lied for every subject and i feel so ashamed about it.
I’ve lied to some really close ex-friends about reasons i could feel bad so they could share my pain. I talk really, really rarely about myself. I probably try to since i really love to tall about mbti and other personnality stuff. I’ve always been distant to my parents, and younger sisters (i’m the older one) and i regret it.

If my religion would have permitted it i would’ve surely ended myself. I just wish everysecond i’m outside someone or something kills me. I want to bother no one in my life, and i hope in that no one will bother me in return. These thoughts have been lurking in me since i was a teenager. I feel a constant pain in the chest since yesterday a kind of sharp niddle pulsating near my heart day night. It already happened to me for two months when i was in highschool. I believe it is anxiety.

I have a constant dialogue with an imaginary therapist in my head since 2020. I like to imagine myself talking to her about anything.

I don’t know if someone will pay attention to my post. I’ve just spoken random shit about myself, it’s late in the night i’m sorry.
I had a talk with myself writing this.
I am sorry if i was cringe.