I’ve had an eating disorder since 7th grade, I am a sophomore in high school and nothing has changed.
Growing up I was always really skinny, I was in intense sports (swim team and distance running) since I was in kindergarten and I was also really picky.
Around 7th grade I started putting on weight. I never ate lunch at school really because I didn’t have any friends and the smell of the cafeteria made me sick, so normally I just ate a lot of junk food after school. I was bullied a lot as well, so I think I stress ate a lot. During track season in the spring of 7th grade, I took a break from swim practice which was always the most intense sport for me. I ate a ton of junk food at track meets and I was clearly gaining some weight, I was also definitely binging a ton at home.
My mom was the first person to bring up my weight gain. Not necessarily in a bad way as I had been underweight my entire life, but I definitely took it very badly. I guess being very insecure on how my face looked, the fact that I was thin was my only thing I was proud of.
I also befriended a girl on the track team, who opened up to me about her anorexia. She taught me all sorts of things and to this day I will never forgive her, even though she was struggling as well.
That summer I was so insecure, I was on the lower side of a healthy weight, but I was so convinced I looked fat. I refused to wear a bikini that summer, and I stayed inside all the time. I tried to lose weight, but ended up gaining more.
By the beginning of 8th grade I felt like the biggest person ever, despite barely being in the green range of the bmi scale.
At the same time I was doing 90 minutes of cross country practice right after school, eating dinner in 15 minutes and then going to 2 hours of swim practice.
I lost about 20 pounds in a month because I only ate breakfast, barely any dinner and then binged on junk food at night. I was so convinced I was big though, the scale was going down, but I continued to hate what I saw.
I downloaded My Fitness Pal that winter, and I lost more weight. My sport performance was so bad at that point, in swim team I was performing so badly, I used to have Zone cuts, but that year I just couldn’t drop time. Track season was also hard as I did track and swim at the same time, I used to be the 2nd fastest miler on the team, but that year I barely got into varsity. I made an effort to eat better, and I gained a little weight.
Then it was summer, and I was pretty insecure again. I did get a boyfriend that year and I think he helped with recovery some, as he did reassure me when I talked about how I wanted to start a new diet.
Freshmen year I felt pretty good for the first time in a while. I was secure in my body and I was eating pretty well. I didn’t do cross country that year either.
I gained maybe 5 pounds and suddenly everything went back. I had the same mentality of not eating, but it was a lot harder to manage and I often caved by binging.
I found ways to cleanse myself via purging and over-exercising all winter. I lost a little weight, but nothing felt enough. I was purging almost every day that year and I was definitely at my worst. However my athletic performance was the best it had been in a really long time, so I kept it up.
Track season came and I would just not eat all day and then go to practice. I was so dizzy all of the time, but I just sucked it up. I felt so superior to everyone else, being a varsity runner while only running on water. I only allowed myself food on meet days, and even then I barely ate.
I got a stress fracture doing the steeple chase, cutting off my season early. I was upset, but I went back into swim and I still kept not eating. The feeling of emptiness became comforting and it felt like I was weightless and free. It was so euphoric.
I also started seeing this guy who was a wrestler. He was pretty disordered in eating like me, but he played it off as just being about wrestling. Being with him motivated me a lot and I would just not eat on the days I went on a date with him.
I was still binging and purging occasionally, I specifically remember throwing up my birthday cake and it was so weird because I loved tasting it twice.
Last summer I was at swim practice every morning, and at work the rest of the day so I never ate that much. I also ran a lot on my own. I was still purging though.
Cross country conditioning started and I would run for 2 hours and then go to swim practice for another 2 hours.
I gained some weight, but it was genuinely all muscle, so I didn’t mind too much.
The beginning of this school year I was secure, but at the same time I was planning to lose weight.
That all changed when I became stressed. My dad lost his job, my parents were fighting a lot, and I just started eating more. I did cross country practice and I only went to swim like once a week. There was a heat wave most of my season, and I kind of stopped trying that hard in cross country, combine that with eating more and you get a lot of weight gain.
I passed out at a race mid season from iron decomposing , and after that I just completely stopped trying.
My mom was the first person to notice my weight gain and this time she did put it pretty badly. I was only a few pounds away from being overweight on the bmi scale. That hurt me a lot as it was right before homecoming.
Right now I am only 5 pounds from my highest, it’s almost summer and I feel huge. I want this to end, but I don’t think it ever will. It’s 6pm and all I have had is oatmeal and an apple. I threw up 3 times yesterday, and I just have no hope.
The worst thing is I don’t miss when I didn’t have any issues, I miss when I was good at having them.
I have told literally no one this before. No one knows about my issues with eating, and I can never tell anyone.