My younger sibling M17 was placed with me in a kinship agreement back in February. He’d been having problems going to school and basically just refused most days while living with our parents. This eventually lead to the state getting involved and him being held back a few grades for for just not going to school despite being gifted in everything. They assumed placing him with me would be a good option as I am the only kinship option in general but a relatively stable adult but it’s been a nightmare lately. We had to sign a contract with an alternative school he’d already been expelled from for truancy stating he couldn’t miss more than 4 days unexcused.
Prior to moving in I told him that if he wasnt planning on going to school and cooperating to not make me go through the trouble of all the certifications and readjusting my entire home, but he said he’d do what he needed to do. We started our strong, we got along and the house was peaceful, we had fun and hung out and he went to school. Literally all he had to do was go to school. I wasn’t going to make him work but I strongly pushed to start therapy. Slowly he started missing random days, it wasn’t a huge deal and I was able to get a couple excused over medical things but he started abusing it.
The big climax came on Monday, he’d missed two days the week prior and I scheduled an appointment to get them excused for Monday. He gets up in the mornings for school with my boyfriend so he can take him to the bus stop, he woke up and said since he was going to the doctor he didn’t need to go to school because they’d excuse it and we both told him that it wasn’t gonna work that way and he needed to go to school. My boyfriend took his phone, they had to wrestle for him to get it. The issue here is that my brother has never been disciplined before and loses his shit any time we attempt to parent at all, we’ve already taken his car away (my old car) and shut off his phone so taking his phone was our last option. My boyfriend even said hey just get in the shower and you can have the phone back after, like you need to go to school but he refused. After screaming and physically trying to prevent my boyfriend from taking the phone he storms out and walks to my mom’s. He comes back later that night and threatenes to beat my ass and is hovering over me so my boyfriend steps in and basically just makes sure he isn’t going to try and hit me over the fact that we still have his phone. He knocked things over, threw things, screamed at us then finally storms out and goes back to my mom’s. Today he had to come home to my house. I’ve notified both of our caseworkers that we can’t handle him anymore.
It makes me upset. He’s so smart. He could’ve been in honors everything finishing out his junior year right now but just won’t go to school. He has fines from truancy that would’ve been dissolved if he’d just been able to stay with me for 6 months and go to school like normal. We got stipends for having him and a clothing allowance every 3 months for him. It was made clear from the very beginning how easy it would be to take him out of my home if he wasn’t complying. Every shred of peace in my own home is gone, I have no kids, it’s just me and my boyfriend. We thought we would get through this easily, even intended originally to let him stay with us even after the 6 months ended if he did well. I feel bad because I’m not sure where he goes. I think he moves to foster care now, or placement with the school which is basically lockup where all you do is go to school. It’s been a hard few months.
Comments
I’m so sorry you’re going through this — it sounds incredibly tough. You clearly tried everything you could to help him, and it’s painful when someone you care about refuses the support you’re offering, especially when you see how much potential they have. You gave him multiple chances, set clear boundaries, and even made sacrifices to provide a stable home for him, which is already more than many would have done.
It’s really easy to feel guilty in situations like this, but please remember that you’ve done your part. You gave him the best environment you could, but ultimately, he has to choose to help himself. It’s heartbreaking when you care so much, and it feels like no matter what you do, it’s not enough.
It’s also important to protect your own peace and mental health. You can’t pour from an empty cup, and it sounds like his behavior was causing so much stress and disruption in your life that it was no longer sustainable. You did what was best for you and your own well-being, which is important too.
I know it’s not easy to walk away from this situation, but you did the right thing by reaching out for help. I hope your brother eventually gets the support he needs and that you find peace in knowing you truly did try your best.
My aunt is a retired high school science teacher. I asked her once if she ever felt bad when a kid got a bad grade and she said that she used to, when she started teaching. But, she quickly realized that she shouldn’t work harder for a student’s grade than they do.
That applies here. You did what you could but if he isn’t willing to meet you halfway, it’s okay to not want to take all of the burden on yourself.
Unfortunately he wants to learn the hard way
Idk all I hear from this is you and your boyfriend are literal saints and sound really cool. Don’t let this hang on you, it was out of your control
Has he been assessed for ADHD?