throw away account
We were only teenagers when we met. I made a stupid 11:11 wish to find true love that day and then I met him. He didn’t even live in my town he was just visiting family. That family happened to live right down the street from me. We spent a lot of time together at a park near by. He was only there for two more weeks and we spent almost every minute of that together.
When he left we stayed in touch but kind of drifted apart. He had his own life and I had mine. We would always hang out when he would visit town. I loved every moment. He even moved to my town for the last year of school so I saw him all the time. He had made friends quickly and I wasn’t really apart of that group but we still talked and hung out sometimes.
After high school we totally lost touch. He was in a relationship and I was too and I was tired of the heart ache. I don’t know when or how but we just stopped talking.
My ex was abusive. Long story short I was 17 he was 27. Classic grooming, isolating, abuse case. He got me pregnant and now I have a boy.
I’m happy to say I’m no longer in that situation. Currently I am married to a wonderful man who treats me extremely well and takes care of both me and my son. We have our issues. Sometimes it’s hard to get past them but we always end up figuring things out.
But that’s why this is a confession. I don’t think I’m in love with my husband. I don’t think I ever have been. I saw someone who was safe that would take care of me and I latched onto that hoping i could make a better life for myself.
He messaged me once after I had gotten married. First time I’d heard from him in three or four years. Apparently his relationship was abusive too. He wanted to talk. Reconnect. I wanted to so bad. I secretly texted him for almost a week. I couldn’t stand the guilt. My husband didn’t deserve that so I had to make it stop. Deleted/blocked him on everything including his phone number. Then I deleted my socials a while later. I thought I could let go and forget about it. I had a new life that I didn’t want to ruin. I needed to move on.
But this whole time I’ve been thinking about him. I haven’t stopped thinking about him for ten years and I don’t know how to stop. I love him so much. I love the way he held me and kissed me and I miss his voice and his smell and his breath and his touch. I miss listening to him play guitar and sing. I miss his goofy jokes and how he always made me laugh. I love how good he made me feel all the time. How kind he was to everyone. He has such a good soul. He’s been in my dreams, my fantasies. Everything reminds me of him.
And I feel so fucking guilty for all of this. I cry at night because I know how fucked up it is and I can’t stop it.
Comments
Its been many life altering years, You don’t know him anymore. You don’t love him, you love the idea of him you have created in your head. That ship has long sailed without you on it.
As someone who failed to see what I had when I had it, dont make that same mistake. Healthy relationships are sometimes “boring” to individuals who went thru abuse, so they might end up self sabotaging their relationship because they don’t understand how to keep it. Think about your life if you didn’t have him in it, if you weren’t getting all the love and attention he gives you and you weren’t supported by a man who makes you feel safe. It’s not an easy task to find someone who makes you feel this way, many women would probably love to be in your position so don’t take it for granted. Let it go, I PROMISE it’s not worth it. Don’t romanticize something you don’t have and instead just remind yourself of what you do and how lucky that is.
As someone who failed to see what I had when I had it, dont make that same mistake. Healthy relationships are sometimes “boring” to individuals who went thru abuse, so they might end up self sabotaging their relationship because they don’t understand how to keep it. Think about your life if you didn’t have him in it, if you weren’t getting all the love and attention he gives you and you weren’t supported by a man who makes you feel safe. It’s not an easy task to find someone who makes you feel this way, many women would probably love to be in your position so don’t take it for granted. Let it go, I PROMISE it’s not worth it. Don’t romanticize something you don’t have and instead just remind yourself of what you do and how lucky that is.
The song unanswered prayers. I married my crush of many years when I was young. We divorced 3 years later.
I was afraid to move on thinking we might get back together. Then one day I found out she had gotten married and moved to California. My world seemed crushed. I dreamt about her, even after getting remarried myself. Then one night I had a dream that we were over. I woke up crying. But I never thought about her again in that way.
I’ve been with my current wife 36 years. I could Never have been this happy with her. Time for your heart to let go and be happy where you are in life.
Poor husband
Listen to Gracie Abram’s – 21
& feel your feelings and then let them go. I know this feeling, my mind has wandered on occasion. But I don’t know that boy anymore, he doesn’t know me either. Do you know who we do know? Our loving husbands. The grass is green where you water it and put that love, lust, and work into your marriage and watch it flourish. Your husband deserves that, and you deserve that too.
Be careful lovely.
The grass is always greener, etc etc. What you and he had was exciting and special because it was time limited.
You associate your husband with the routine, the boring and everyday stuff. You’ve built the other guy up in your head to be absolutely perfect but your husband doesn’t have the luxury of existing in your imagination.
He might have been amazing, but try not to draw comparisons, you’ll drive yourself mad.
You should probably tell your husband what you told us and let him decide if he just wants to be your meal ticket.
In my opinion it sounds to me like you might be looking back and getting yourself confused with a man you loved. But rather a time you loved.
Heres my own personal story to explain what i mean by that.
so growing up i went to this summer camp from ages 8 till i was 17. It was only for 1 week every year. And there was this girl i became great friends with. We would spend pretty much every minute of camp together, every year. We lived far apart so never saw each other outside of camp. We would message for a month or so then just forget about each other till next year. In our teen years we went back and forth. I liked her, she liked me. But since we lived far apart timing never worked out cause one of us would be in a relationship or had other stuff going on with someone from our hometown so we never got together. After our last year of camp we never talked until 10 years later when we reconnected and basically went from not talking for 10 years to in a relationship in about 20 minutes. She recently got out of an abusive relationship. I was just getting over some terrible stuff that happened in my life. And we finally ended up together after all this time and it felt like a miracle story. But in the end, we realized we didnt reconnect and get together like that cause we loved the other person and were meant to be. We reconnected so quickly cause the other person reminded us of a time when life was simple. When we were actually happy. Before all the stress and hardship and responsibilities. A time before we were hurt and abused and all the other bullshit that comes with being an adult. So is it the person you truely loved and miss? Or just the feelings of joy and life you had back then your attaching to him. Just something to think about the next time your longing for what could have been.
Ya, if you ever tell your husband what is going through your mind he will be gone.
And could you blame him??
You better get your shit together or you will be single and your son will be asking WTF happened.
In fact you should tell your husband, he deserves so much better then your emotionally cheating ass.