My husband works a position where 2-3 days out of the week he has only 8 hours between shifts. Factor in time to commute, eat, wind down, you’re looking at like 6 hours of sleep. But the problem is he won’t just go to sleep. He comes home and has to play video games until he has only 2-3 hours left to sleep before next shift. Sometimes will just stay up the entire night gamig. Then complains all day about being tired. Then comes home and abandons all household duties and childcare obligations and takes a 4-5 hour late afternoon-evening nap. Wakes up and goes into gaming again all night.
It’s not even just the work days that are back to back that is the issue. On days off it’s all day on the computer. He doesn’t participate in the family or help me with the child or any chores. I’m exhausted and overworked and he is either gaming or sleeping. How am I supposed to feel sorry for you when you do this shit to yourself? I have no sympathy anymore, and its building into resentment. Not asking for relationship advice, I’m just so damn tired of it.
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Does he expect sympathy?
That’s some BS. He isn’t a teenager, he’s a grown up with responsibilities. I’m not giving advice but I do hope you’re either going to call him out on it or reconsider the future
Do you work as well?
He sounds depressed.
At best, he has a gaming addiction, or he’s dealing with burnout that can be overcome with therapy. At worst, he just might be a lost cause and a lazy bum.
I do feel for him, even when I have full days I NEED to get some “me” time before going to sleep.
I don’t play video games but it may be reading a book, or watching a show. It does not exclude spending time with my wife but I do agree with the need for personal happiness.
We aren’t machines work-sleep-work-sleep
Is your income enough to sustain you and your kid? It seems like he is just a burden
Sleep is a necessity not a want. Sleep deprivation takes 5 years of your life. He unmotivated because he tired and stressed he tired and stressed because he has a gaming addiction. Im a breadwinner i work back to back 3-13 plus commute and overtime and nightshift. The first day i have off catching up on sleep and relaxing so can spend the other 3 days with enough energy in child care and chores and give my husband a break.
You’re basically a married single mom. I’m so sorry you deal with this, OP. It isn’t fair. I know you’re not looking for advice, and I’m sure your relationship is far more complex than what a post can encompass. But I’d try to find a way to make it non-negotiable that he takes part in the household. For example, you simply schedule things outside of the house to take care of yourself so he has to partake in childcare. Things you firmly won’t cancel. If he says he wants to be woken up, you set a loud alarm on his phone for the time you need him up by. He doesn’t get to pass all of his responsibilities at home onto you. If he continues taking you for granted, I’d spend more time away from the house with your child and sometimes without. Tap into your village. Let him experience more of what life looks like without you guys so he realizes he’s losing the most precious thing he has: his family. Someday he’ll wake up and either realize he’s happier without a family or that he squandered his chance to have a happy family with you and his daughter, most men like him do.
It’s an addiction. I am so sorry you are the one carrying the weight of everything you deserve better and a partner who will meet you in the middle and be present with the family and help around the house too. Give him an ultimatum or else you may have to be the one to walk away with your child in order for him to see what he has.
Both procrastination and gaming addiction are coping mechanisms. What is the underlying reason that’s driving these coping mechanisms you need to identify and tackle! For that, you need professional help.
At a personal level, I feel one of the ways you can tackle procrastination is by cultivating the habit of bullet journaling and dividing a day into a series of actionable tasks which are to be completed. This results in a virtuous cycle as completing tasks results in a dopamine release, which then motivates you to keep journaling. You can encourage your husband to develop this habit. You yourself can also do this. This can become a couple thing.
No excuses for this behavior.
I’m a husband that games. How do I do it???
I just look after my responsibilities which are my wife and kids. I only game when house is tidy, kids had their bedtime stories, wife and I had our bedtime chats to discuss our days.
When all that’s done I have 2-3 hours free each evening to game, watch movies all free of any constraints. I had some of the bad habits you describe in your husband a few years ago but I copped on and ultimately realizes that putting a little effort in (which is your duty) goes a really long way.
The other wake up call I has was, ignoring your kids while they’re young can really damage your relationship. Your kids liking you is not to be taken for granted and for a brief period I experienced this, all is amazing now though after corrective action.
8 hrs between a shift is quite hard on the body. I know many people in that position (and their preference is to sleep in the car) rather than going home. The commute times, the short sleep schedule, it’s not very conducive to long deep sleeps. What kind of occupation is it? The only times I’m asked to keep 8 hrs between shifts are because the project is during “crunch time”, and that small gap is usually all that’s afforded to us.
It takes me roughly 4 hours to decompress and maybe 2 hours to compress back up to work. But I’m doing manual labor.
If he’s a security guard, then….yeah.
There’s greater context required for me to make a judgement.
Your husband needs to prioritize things that he values good news he’s already doing that bad news it’s not you or your family. I get not wanting to sleep after work I work in manual labor and I need some time to decompress before I can fall asleep but I’m sure af not gonna hang out on my computer till I have 2 to 3 hours to sleep left that’s just dumb as hell.
Have you tried talking to him about it seriously like you’re very angry so he understands you are being serious. And if so and he refuses to comply then ye its on him
You guys do know that hobbies and such are essential to function in a society like we have today right? You need to do something for yourself and for some it’s video games. People out here calling a man a bum, when he’s literally working hours that are not sustainable for any human being. Give the man some space.
Also OP, you say the problem is that he won’t go to sleep. Maybe the problem is he only gets very little time to himself so he’s sacrificing sleep for his hobbies. This is unhealthy, yes, but many of us do many other unhealthy things to cope with the stresses of life today. Like alcohol, cigarettes, etc. On that scale, this is not even close to being that unhealthy that you ‘have no sympathy’
While I’m not excusing his behavior entirely, I will say this, people NEED to be able to do what gives them joy in order to not burn/crash out.
He is very obviously overworked and depressed (despite him saying he isn’t), 8 hours between shifts is not healthy and not sustainable physically or mentally, even if he didn’t game and JUST came home, did household chores, helped with the kids (which he should be doing regardless) and did his nightly bedtime routine, he would still be getting VERY little sleep AND wouldn’t be able to enjoy his own personal free time in addition, it would literally be 1.Get up. 2. Go to work. 3. Come home. 4. Household chores/responsibilities. 5. Go to bed with little sleep. 6. Get up. 7. Go to work. It’s no way to live.
I think it’s time to really sit down and find a true solution, because what is happening now is going to lead to him snapping/cracking and potentially doing even less, becoming genuinely unable to continue on or worse.
What he is doing isn’t working for any of you, do you guys have any outside help or support to take some of the burden off of you both? How are y’all doing financially? If you aren’t making it well with finances AND he’s doing this, it doesn’t make sense to keep doing it and will ruin all of you before he ever gets the chance to get ahead.
It may be best to look for work that pays better but has a better work/life balance and when finances and savings are up, his mental health is In check and everything at home is in a manageable state, THEN he can use savings to only go to school or work a restricted part time job while going, I couldn’t imagine doing both school and working such miserable shifts.
He has obligations and chores after he worked his ass off? Let him wind down by immersing himself into a fantasy world. Swap with him, you go out and work those inhumane shifts, then come home and spend your few hours of personal freedom doing chores and childcare on top…oh, and no time for winding down for you either. Just work and then do more chores, allowed only to eat and sleep.
Alternatively you both need to chill. I understand that you may also be overworked and need some you time. Alas you both made your beds by having children and needing to pay for all the stuff you think you own. I don’t even know if you are working and doing all other things extra.
Tone down your lives. Don’t live beyond your means. Live somewhere smaller, buy a second hand car, take easier jobs, spend less, be poorer but richer in mind. Become an item again, have some fun in life together.
You clearly both live beyond your means and it’s killing the happiness all three of you should feel.
I wouldn’t have sympathy either. He actually just sounds like he’s abandoned most responsibilities due to entitlement
There are two aspects to consider.
One, it looks like he is using gaming as a coping mechanism and/or some sort of stress.
8 hours per day while neglecting daily life stuff is that.
Have you talked to him about why he does it. Did he have the same habits before marriage or did it start after a new job/life event.
Some of us cope with stress in unhealthy ways.
Talking it out may help the situation.
Two, you’ve mentioned that he works 8 hours shifts on few days but my understanding is that’s excluding the commute time.
Paying for a nanny to help out might also be an option, since both of you are working.(again I don’t have the full picture, this is just a suggestion).
Good luck OP and I hope both of you work it out.
You’re already a single mom living with a friends with benefits. Why allow it to continue? Leave and have him pay child support and the daycare costs.
These comments are wild ya’ll.
Everybody needs some wind down time after work. So he’s playing video games for a couple of hours? Are you expecting him to be helping you or sleeping?
Is it possible he can’t sleep immediately after works and needs some time to wind down before bed?
Revenge bedtime procrastination – look it up, tell your husband about it, explain to him it’s not sustainable for him, you, or your relationship if he does not adequately address it.
I’d be changing the password for the WiFi! Sounds like hubby has a gaming addiction that has completely overtaken his responsibilities, may even cause him to lose his job because he can’t focus.
Your well-passed “starting” to feel resentment, your whole post is saturated with it as any neglected partner would. Other than bringing home a paycheck, what does he bring to your marriage, to your homelife?
Sounds like it’s time for “the two-card solution.” One business card for an addiction therapist and couples counseling, the other card for a divorce attorney you’ve consulted with. I hope he picks you and your family!
A lot of people are taking the husband’s side. I get it, people need their own time and wind down time blah blah blah, but this is a man with a family and a fucking child. He needs to do his god damn responsibilities as a husband and a father. He thinks he can be a complete selfish asshole and be praised?? And push all that to his wife??? Do you all think his wife doesn’t deserve any of that own time wind down healthy fancy thing?
Hey, maybe two people should work in this economy then maybe he will have enough time to help out as well as get some rest.
Not at all excusing his behavior or trying to minimize your feelings, but you need to tailor your approach to whatever outcome you want, because it seems clear (based on the limited information I’m reading) that there is something more going on with him than him just being lazy. That doesn’t mean that he shouldn’t contribute, but I think you need to figure out what you want before you proceed. Do you want to continue to have a life with him? Then you NEED to have sympathy and empathy for him and what he might have going on, because it sounds to me like he is burnt-out, stressed and depressed. I get it that you are dealing with a lot too, but one thing that’s important to understand is that, in a relationship, it’s never truly 50-50 even if that is what you should always strive for. Sometimes, like right now, he might be having mental and physical health issues that leads to him giving 20% and you giving 80%. Maybe someday he’ll be giving more and you’ll be giving less who knows. But right now is one of those times, if you want to stay together at least, that you need to do your best to lead with love and figure out what the underlying issues are. With that being said, if you’ve just decided you don’t want to stay together and that he is a lost cause then you can ignore what I’m saying and just try to figure out your exit strategy. And ofc I’m not telling you to fight a hopeless battle, if there’s absolutely nothing you can do at this point and you’ve exhausted every avenue then by all means you should try to move on. I just know that sometimes people make posts like this trying to validate feeling angry at their partner which oftentimes makes things worse. I hope you’ve gotten some validation, as again I’m not at all trying to downplay all you’re going through, but with that validation I also hope you change your mind on having “no sympathy” for your husband if you’re still considering continuing a relationship with him, as that is almost tantamount to giving up anyways.
I (38F) doubt it is even a gaming addiction. It is an escape. Delaying the inevitable of having to go and do the same shit again. He’s tired and miserable. You both are. He hates his job, then he comes home to cope avoiding more problems he can’t face.
Looks like anxiety, depression and disassociation. You’re describing myself. The only difference is, I outsourced my responsibilities to avoid the nagging. Tell him to hire a house keeper, get therapy and meds. They work wonders.
Let him be. Those shifts are brutal. Most people need time to wind down before sleeping. We generally have hours before bedtime. I didn’t get it until my husband worked a 3rd shift job. It messes with their sleep so badly.
The days off… no excuse. He needs to be a full participant.
8 hours between shifts isn’t much for feeding eating and traveling plus having the time to wind down from work. . Here in the uk you are leagally ment to have 12hrs rest in between shifts so check out what the laws are in your country
I’d take a mallet to his gaming station…as he’s obviously an irresponsible, inconsiderate man-child. I’m guessing these traits were present MUCH earlier, OP.
Your husband is likely doing what is defined as “Revenge bedtime procrastination
Could he change carreers?
I feel like if he worked hard he deserves time for and space for hobbies and gaming is valid relaxation. I also think you need support and for him to be including himself in family activities. It’s seems like his schedule and work are not satisfactory or good for either of you and you should talk to him about how you feel and see if his schedule can be changed so he has time that works for both hobbies and family time. If the schedule can’t be changed then maybe finding a new job with better hours would help.