Foreword: I‘m not looking for advice, I just felt the need to be heard because I’m not sure if I can tell this to anyone else.
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It’s an interesting thing to know when you’re going to die. I found out my time of death about four hours ago, and my mind has been aggressively oscillating between depression and mania since. I find myself crying, fearful of what will happen, then a moment later experiencing euphoric enlightenment. Since October 2015, I’ve lived every day in pain. It’s been a dull pain that I generally rate a two out of ten whenever I have a doctor’s visit and they inquire. However, about a year ago, my pain amplified for reasons unknown. I would currently rate my pain from 6–8; it seems to fluctuate with how much time I need to sit at my desk to get work done.
For nearly a year at this point, I’ve been subject to this agonizing sensation every single day, every minute, every hour—when I’m walking, when I’m standing, when I’m sitting. Even when I’m sleeping, I can’t escape the pain. I was hopeful at first that it was just a phase that would pass, but as the pain refused to yield, I struggled to accept the fact that this just might be how the rest of my life is. That really struck a blow to my morale, a feeling similar to the time I realized the ringing in my ears has never stopped—oddly enough, another event that occurred around the 2015 mark, though I can’t really recall the exact month. I’ve seen doctors, physical therapists, specialists; no-one has been able to figure out why I am in pain..
Today, about four hours ago, I entered into a deal with myself. The terms are relatively straightforward, and the payout is macabre. In one year’s time, on this day, April 28, 2026, if this constant agonizing pain hasn’t improved or completely resolved itself, I’m going to end my life. Each day, I feel more depressed than the one preceding it. I need to see a light at the end of the tunnel. I need hope. I need something to let me know that one way or the other, it will be over.
I went to class earlier and left about 15 minutes after it started. My mind is justifiably elsewhere. I want to tell people, but I don’t think im ready to do that at this time, so I won’t. I’m scared, yet free. There’s nothing in life now that can hold something over my head, whether it be man or a force of nature. I’m free, but I don’t think I’m ready.
There’s so much in this world I want to do, but something always prevented me from doing so: obligations to a family, refusal to abandon my dog, a 40-hour work week. None of that matters, though—not anymore. I have a year to find fulfillment. Do I start a bucket list? How do I tell my wife? How can I explain this to my kid?
Perhaps as time goes on, I’ll embrace my fate. Perhaps I’ll be able to shed these worries, but what if I can’t? What if a year passes and I still haven’t figured out how to break the news to my wife and son? What then?
I’m scared right now, but I hope that I’ll learn not to be. Do I go out with a bang, or do I pass quietly, unremarkable, without drawing attention, just as I lived my life?
I’ve sacrificed my health and well-being for the benefit of someone other than myself for my entire life. I believe that this will be my greatest regret—all the times in my life that I’ve dropped what I was doing, changed plans, just so I could help someone else succeed. I have nothing to show for it other than remorse.
One year.
Comments
Please think about your kid and what he will think about his dad being gone, I’m not saying don’t help yourself but at least stay alive for your family. Find something worth fighting for.
Life is hard I’ve even thought about ending it all but it gets somewhat better after a time, I hope you reconsider you’re decision.
Man you have a child, doesn’t matter how much pain you’re in you have a job to do.
I’m going to give it to you straight. Ending your life when you have a wife and kid is unbelievably selfish. Open up to her. I get thats its hard but taking your life is never the answer especially when you’re risking traumatizing your poor family for life
It doesn’t matter what you are feeling, that kid NEEDS you. Stay around for them, no matter how bad things get.
There clearly is something wrong with you and doctors should be able to help so maybe try a bit more down that route.
On a side note, this is the exact plot of a House episode which is kinda interesting.
If you only have one year left, I would like to offer options considering how to be as pain free as possible.
I would love to message you; I have a history of extreme pain myself, and went through a series of both medications, therapists, useless self meditation and otherwise- suggestions I can at the very least recommend you glance at before your year is over.
Your child needs you.
Hey, I appreciate you for being open about this. It.. is a hard thing to openly admit. Now, unlike everyone here I have a different opinion and I will most likely be downvoted.
I have a friend, who is suffering from almost the same as you. But it’s mainly his gastrointestinal area, it’s. It Crohn’s disease or extreme acid reflux. It’s just something wrong with the stomach itself. Beyond that he has random pain from his head to ringing in his ears. Alll 24/7. He has visited doctors, physicians, specialists and so on while trying everything under the sun, with no resolve.
He’s also very kind and open like you , will put his pain aside and try to care for his friends. I admire that.
Op, I understand where you are coming from, the mental strain you have is enormous. Practically being fully alive in your mind while being trapped in a body that is torturing you each day is a wild concept to imagine.
However, the strength you have to push through it all has been shown, and I understand the freedom you have by fabricating a solution of peace.
But as others have said, you have a family. Yes.. yes. Living for you is jmportant, it can be selfish, and unorthodox compared to what others put them selves too. You have this life and you deserve happiness.
But, that girl chose you out of all the millions of men in this world, and the product of that love, that courtship, is your child. The two things you have to be open too and protect are them.
Talk with them. You must be open, your wife should be your pillar and foundation, just like you, hopefully, are to her. Speak with her. Yet don’t mention your one year, see how she responds and takes it.
My verdict is you should live for yourself while protecting those you care for. It’s a 50/50. If you have to sacrifice someone else’s time for a moment to achieve happiness on your own — let it be, they can always wait and have chances while you may not.
Just think it over more, and in the end you are unable to find resolve. Then, only then, accept your one year plan.
We’re here with you.
so, you didn’t “find out” your time of death, you decided on one. it’s not a bad idea to trick your self into finding deeper fulfillment in life ie living like you don’t have forever. this will increase your quality of life by default as long as you aren’t doing self destructive things. hopefully it also lets you examine the perspective of how it would be to purposely rip your self away from your family. you didn’t choose your pain, but you still have a lot of choice available to you, you are mobile, you have a family and being alive means there is potential for relief. when you’re dead you cannot experience relief.