I’m not even sure where to start with this, guess I’ll go back to the moment that sent me down the path I’m on now.
When I was 8 until I was 10 my brother (he’s 7 years older than me) used to rape me almost daily, sometimes if his friends were over to hang out he’d let them all have a turn with me too. He’d also practice with his switchblade by cutting me up on my arms and legs then laugh when I’d cry. Ever since it first started I’ve been rotting inside and slowly becoming an empty husk with only spite and hate to keep me going.
I kept it all in for years and our parents never knew what was happening. I did tell them like 20 years later and not a fucking thing changed, he’s still their precious angel and I’m just the other one.
Been to therapy for all this and since then I’ve tried my best to be the opposite how how my brother is, try to be kind but after today no I don’t have any kindness left for anybody. Turns out my bf who I thought loved me, the 1 person in my life who hasn’t hurt me has been cheating on me for the past year. I found out cause I walked in on them in our apartment.
In that moment I actually felt what little shred of happiness and goodness I had left in me shrivel up and die. There’s nothing left inside me, don’t feel anything anymore.
Now I’m sitting in my car by the beach trying to figure out what the fuck I’m going to do now.