I (34F) have been with my husband (38m) for ten years now. We have young children together and the younger is 1. So maybe I’m still going through some post partum stuff I don’t know.
But I just don’t feel respected and I’ve brought it to his attention and there’s just no change after years of this and I don’t want this anymore but I am so afraid of divorce and I don’t know what to do.
When I say I don’t feel respected:
There is NEVER a verbal thank you. I was told “it’s obvious.” I told him it’s not.
He will often need to trade cars with me (legitimate reasons) and all I ask is that he clean himself up a bit before getting in my car because otherwise he leaves it very dirty and the steering wheel is sticky and gross. (Dirty job) He does not.
I’ve told him a thousand times that bed time is the hardest time with the kids. He is often not home from work yet during bed time so I do it alone. I’ve requested that “on nights your home, can you help me out with bedtime?” He will sit around for a bit doing nothing (fine, everyone needs a break right when you get home) and then magically he needs to shower (or poop 30minutes) just as bed time starts. So no help.
I reminded him of this tonight when bedtime came up and he threw his head back, annoyed that he could not shower.
Recently, I caught an illness from our baby that came with fever and overall awful feeling. Not once. NOT ONCE did he ask me if I needed anything/if I was ok. He was actually obviously frustrated that I wasn’t able to help him with the kids. He claims he was just “having a bad day” but he was completely fine until I suddenly fell under a fever. So I find that hard to believe.
When he answers the phone for others, he says “hello?” When I call him, he answers and says “yea?”
If he tries to get my attention, he just says “hey! Or hello!” Not babe, hun, or my name.
I got so upset with him about stuff like this about 2 years ago I fell to the floor hysterically crying. I just couldn’t take anymore at that point. It was pure sadness. There was no fight/argument. It was a conversation that just went nowhere and crushed me so I broke down.
He literally STEPPED OVER ME multiple times to finish doing what he was doing. Never stopped to check on me, console me, apologize, nothing. But my child did. Which caused me to break down more. I felt awful be witnessed that.
What does he do that’s kind for me?
Well when he stops at the quick mart to grab a drink during work, I’ve told him I wish he would just think of me and grab a bag of chips I like just to say you were thinking of me when you get home…. Never done it.
He does the laundry. But just have to fold and sort it.
Ok sorry I went back to negative.
I really just don’t know what to say.
He does the dishes, but I do all the sweeping and mopping because he hates that. (Fair deal between us) but I’ll occasionally do the dishes for him but he refuses to sweep/mop on occasion.
He has supported my dream of being a stay at home mom. Even offered to work 7 days a week so that I could do it. (We ended up not going through with it.)
He never tells me no when I tell him I want to go to dinner with a friend or something like that.
He got me a very thoughtful gift for Mother’s Day that I love!
So I’m just looking to vent, but maybe also looking for advice. Maybe I also need help recognizing the kind things he does for me?
Please be kind to me. I can’t handle harsh. I’m kind of a baby.
TL;DR
I don’t feel respected in my relationship and I need advice because I feel I cant share this with anyone in real life. How do I recognize positive aspects of the relationship when k feel so over it? Should I move on?
Comments
I think anytime you’re sitting your partner down to talk about your concerns and they choose not to change, it’s disrespectful. You are being disrespected. It sounds like he does do some nice things for you on occasion but mostly leaves the majority of the household and child rearing tasks to you. You’ve told him he’s not doing enough, and he isn’t willing to change. I am divorced. I am happily divorced. My ex husband was a dependent. There is nothing less sexy than an adult dependent. I now have every other weekend during the school year and every other week during the summer to myself. I have a consistent sex life and no one stressing me out. But, there are challenges, like missing my kids and the actual divorce process is rough. No one can really tell you if you’ll be happier if you leave except you. I would say at least let your husband know that that’s the line of thinking you’re having- wondering if it would be easier on your own. Hard conversations can sometimes bring the kind of change you’re looking for. It’s worth a shot.