TL;DR: Is at the end.
I’ve been dating my girlfriend Emily for about a year and a half now. She’s 26, I’m 28. Overall, our relationship has been great. She’s kind, funny, caring, and supportive. We’ve shared a lot of good times, and I genuinely enjoy being with her.
When we first started dating, she told me her friend, which is also her ex had died and they we’re really close. I knew about his death when we got together, and I accepted it as part of her past. She kept a photo of him in her office and another on her nightstand, along with photos of me.
However, recently I started feeling uneasy. I noticed she was pretty vague when I asked about her ex, and she would sometimes mention him in a way that didn’t quite add up. Out of curiosity, I did some digging online.
What I found was shocking. I discovered that her ex is actually very much alive. She knew he was alive all along but told me he had died, and I had no idea. It turns out she’s been mourning someone who was alive the entire time.
I feel betrayed, confused, and overwhelmed. I don’t understand why she kept this from me or why she told me he was dead when she knew otherwise. It feels like a huge lie, and I’m hurt that she was holding onto this grief while I was unaware.
She’s been an incredible girlfriend, loving, supportive, attentive. But now I don’t know what to think or do. I’m struggling with whether I can trust her after this, and I don’t want to jump to conclusions. I just don’t know how to approach her about this revelation.
Has anyone experienced something similar? How should I handle this? What questions should I ask? I really care about her, but I’m lost right now.
Thanks in advance for any advice or perspectives.
TL;DR: I’ve been dating my girlfriend for over a year, and she told me her ex died before we met. I recently found out she knew he was alive all along but lied, saying he had died. I feel betrayed and don’t know how to handle this. Any advice?
Comments
This is about as big a red flag as you’re going to find.
It would be a huge mistake to give a pass to this behavior.
She didn’t lie about where she went for lunch. She lied about someone being dead. That’s a massive red flag. You’re not crazy for feeling betrayed. Ask her why she felt the need to fake a whole death. Trust doesn’t bounce back from that without real answers. Id be scared to know what else she might lie about. Im sorry op :/
You need to talk to her. But major red flag!
That’s definitely weird. Sounds like she told you that so she could keep photos of him around and it not be an issue. Either that or she has been seeing him and said he had passed so you didn’t asks any questions.
This is some sort of emotional manipulation and is a huge red flag. You’ve got to move on and be grateful you found out before the relationship went further
Run
I wouldn’t call this lying seems like an even bigger issue.
🚩🚩🚩 oh boy. What the heck?
Advice would be to run. You’re never going to trust her again. There is no bigger flag than a partner who lied, guilted you and made you feel sorry for her. She HAS A PICTURE of him with photos of you in her night stand. Holy hell. What kind of person would ever do that to another human who they say they love?
Jump to conclusions? In what world could someone try and justify any of this?
My ex lied to me about going to a couples therapy session I booked (she was never gonna go I found out) and then lied when breaking up with me by having me come over to go for a walk then did it the moment I got there.
Don’t let this behavior go, it’s a massive issue
This is worse than being cheated on…
This is an iceberg to say the least and I’m not sure you want to find out what’s below the surface when it flips
I feel like a totally rational person could talk themselves into something totally irrational like this. Maybe she was afraid of letting go but didn’t want to admit that that’s why she wants to keep photos of him around. It can be frighteningly easy to find ourselves deep in a hole with too much shame to ask for a hand getting out.
I suggest you rip the bandaid and ask her about it keeping in mind that she might be ashamed of it. Go easy on her but stand up for yourself if she doubles down.
It feels like a huge lie
It’s not a feeling; it’s a FACT! What she’s done is strange, it’s a betrayal and it’s also dishonest. Every single day since she claimed this, she’s been lying to you by omission. What other surprises are out there?
Obviously, you need to know why she did this, but it’s even more important that you point this other stuff out. She has proven she can’t be trusted, and it’s hard to come back from that.
On the part where things are going well, sure that helps, but after only 18 months, you’re still in the honeymoon stage. It’s supposed to go well. More importantly, the good stuff doesn’t “undo” what’s happened here, meaning don’t 2nd guess yourself or sugar coat this. You have every right to be furious.
“My girlfriend is a liar and I can’t believe a word she says. Should I stay with her?”
How would you advise a friend who asked you this?
Is this for real?
Sounds like she’s keeping you around until the ex miraculously resurrects. Lol run dawg.
Please walk away from her. She’s not a wonderful partner, she’s a liar. You now know that she’s comfortable lying to you. What else has she lied about? You should be breaking up with her today. Yikes.
Ai rage bait
Leave.
The foundation of trust is compromised
lol that’s pretty insane behavior
You can make your decision about her after you have a talk with her. I pretend my ex is dead, but I don’t have his picture framed & sitting by my bedside.
Well what did she say her reasoning was? Not that it matters, curious more than anything
If you have anyone in your life that tells you to stay with her, they are not your friend. This is a red flag on another level right up there with cheating. This is emotional manipulation. Inexcusable
My toxic ass would try to find a way to bring up taking a trip together to bring flowers to his non-existent grave.
I am curious, although not sure the answer changes how I feel about it. Is he *gone* for some other reason and her saying he was dead made it easier to bare? For instance is he in witness protection program, or perhaps in prison for some heinous crime and it was just easier to say he was dead? Again, I don’t think it makes it any better or worse but I am curious about the nature of it. Or does she still text him constantly and just told you he’s dead because that would be the end of discussion and you wouldn’t be suspicious of her activity. If that’s the case, I think you have your answers.
AI written
No talking, you’re not going to come back from this. Just leave. Become dead to her since that’s her thing.
“Hey, girlfriend, why did you lie about your ex being dead?”
She’s kind, funny, caring, and supportive. AND a liar who is not over her Ex.
How do you approach it? You have the proof at hand and come right out and ask her why the hell she lied to you. You then tell her she has a choice. Get rid of all photos and all traces of the Ex and total non contact or you part ways for good.
I’d also demand to see her phone to see how often she is talking to him.
Why do you care?
Or as Obi-wan kenobi might say, what she said was true in a manner of speaking.
I would do nothing unless she’s otherwise a mess or want to break for other reasons, then break up with her.
Edit: I see the moralistic freak brigade is out in full force on this one. White lies are the basic currency of social interactions. People who never leave their basements don’t know this, of course.
I wouldnt be surprised if they were planning something against you.
If she has his picture up she still wants him. She probably has been contacting him this whole time.
Dude… wake up. She lied to you. In a strange way on top of that.
You mention jumping to conclusions, but it’s actually quite simple, there’s no need to jump to any conclusion other than she lied… kept photos of her ‘dead’ ex and kept up the charade.
You need to calmly tell her that you know. Then ask why did she choose to lie…. And.. Damn, I really don’t know what would be a remotely acceptable reason. If she says anything having to do with you,like she didn’t want you to be jealous, think for a moment. She would rather lie like this rather than treat you like an adult.
I wouldn’t even bother to ask how they broke up, it doesn’t matter at all. (Unless her ex has a restraining order on her or her on him..) She openly kept pics displayed, which means she wasn’t moving on even if it was hard, and got into a relationship with you. She messed up bad.
Among relationship mistakes, this like half a point below cheating. I’m sorry you’re going through this, but you need to seriously consider your life without her, because this is a huge red flag.
Time to bounce homie. That’s some crazy girl shit.
How they come into your life is how they leave it.
Building the relationship on a foundation of lies…
How much sympathy and support did she extract out of you over the tragic loss of her previous partner?
Leave her the fuckin
shes psychotic , run as far as you , just leave and change your number.
you don’t have the whole story yet.
Sit her down when you’re both calm and relaxed, and let her know that you know her ex is alive and want to hear from her why she said otherwise. Don’t be angry or accusing, just ask.
Her reaction will tell you everything you need to know.
Not gonna lie, it looks bad, especially if they’ve been in contact. But at least give her the chance to explain.
Invite him over, while she is at work.
Yall be sharing a beer when she walks in.
Get help buddy !!
Brother I hate to say but no matter the front she’s put up for you this last year or so the fact she lied about something she had literally no reason to lie about and put up the facade til you found out for literally no reason is 100% indicative of some major issue. Either one she did it to still mess around with him in secret and you would never find out, or 2 she’s got some serious mental issues that need addressed. I can’t think of any other scenario this would make more sense in.
I’d bail so fast man it’s not even funny
I mean, just ask? I thought perhaps he might have been abusive and that was her way of getting over him, it happens, but then you mentioned the photo of him next to yours. That’s weird. But yeah, maybe ask her why the hell she lied and why she has his photo in with others. It’s a pretty straight forward question.
OMG. I would have so much fun with this. “I want to support you emotionally in every way possible. I think we should visit his gravesite on the anniversary of his death. I’ll be right by your side supporting you” or “I’d be willing to meet with his family so you can reconnect and share memories. I’ll drive!”
Break up asap. She’s crazy. Literally.
I can’t think of an answer to “why?” That would ever be satisfactory to stay
If she’s lying about something that dumb, she’s not very intelligent. Move on.
If she was willing to lie about this, what else is she willing to lie about? Trust has to be the foundation of a relationship. If you can’t trust her, then you have nothing.
She told you an elaborate lie about her ex, which means there is a good chance she was cheating on you with him. Run as fast as you can.