I was looking for my passport in my mum’s desk and found a folder with adoption papers — my name, a different surname, and two names I’ve never heard before listed as “birth parents.” I confronted my mum and dad, and after some crying, they admitted I was adopted when I was a baby. They said they were “waiting for the right time” to tell me… 16 years later.
I don’t even feel angry, just… disconnected. It’s like my whole life has been built on a story that isn’t real. I’ve been going to college open days, listening to them plan my future like nothing’s wrong, but inside I feel like I’m not even part of this family anymore.
Here’s the thing: I found out my biological uncle lives in Australia and runs a farm. I’ve been messaging him, and he told me I could stay there if I ever wanted to get away for a while. Now all I can think about is leaving the UK, working on that farm, and starting fresh — away from everyone and everything I’ve ever known.
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You do you, but I think once these feelings aren’t so fresh anymore, you’ll realize that your real parents are the ones that chose you and have loved you your whole life, not the ones who birthed you and gave you up.
They’re still your parents. Even if they don’t share DNA with you, they raised you and loved you and gave you your life you have right now.
Don’t cut them off. It’s normal to be shocked. To feel numb. Let yourself process it. Don’t jump to something crazy.
Give it some time. Think back on your life and all they were a part of.
First of all what your feeling is valid, finding out something like that is hard for anybody. More importantly though, before you make any decisions, give yourself time to really process that info and allow yourself time to weigh out all options. The last thing you need is to make a rash decision now and regret it later on.
I hope this was at least a little bit helpful.
But you are part of this family. You were raised by your parents, even if they are not your biological parents. They wanted you and they love you.
You don’t know your biological uncle, you have probably never worked on a farm and I assume you haven’t been to Australia either. That’s a lot of new things for a 16 year old. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to visit him, but don’t throw your life away to go somewhere unknown with potentially no one who could help you. You don’t even know if you’re gonna like farm work. I can tell you, it’s hard and you’re not gonna have a good future with it unless you love that work.
I would suggest doing a short vacation to your uncles farm. Like 2 weeks. Try working on that farm. But tell your parents so you can stay safe. Don’t do stuff on your own.
Everybody has a running away too Australia fantasy, except people who’ve been to New Zealand, and Australians probably have a fantasy about someplace where it rains enough.
Wherever you go, there you are. It’s much easier to start over where you are than in some place that’s expensive to get to where you have nothing.
I’ve never dealt with adoption myself but I feel that kids should know about being adopted or being conceived by a sperm or egg donor by the time that they are old enough to know how reproduction works. It really sucks that they never told you and you had to find out on your own. That’s their failure as parents
Blood doesn’t make a family. Love does. So many people are horrifically mistreated by biological family. If you wound up with a great one, does it really matter how?
it’s totally understandable to feel confused, lost and to feel lied to. your adoptive parents wanted the best for you, they chose you to be apart of their family. they just wanted to protect you, maybe talk to them about how you’re feeling?
Take a breath. You are in shock. Give yourself time to process everything. They did not lie to you. They gave you a life that you may not have had.
It is hard for parents to know when is the right time to tell their child, that they are adopted. To your parents, YOU ARE THEIR CHILD. Trust me…they love you the same as a biological child. They did everything for you that they would have done if your Mother gave birth to you.
Talk to them. I am sure they are worried about you. Stop being angry at them. They did nothing wrong. They love you.
You are now reaching out to a stranger to go stay with????? That may be your biological Uncle, but he’s a stranger. This is not a Disney movie.
He didn’t stay up at night changing your diaper, feeding you, taking you to school, loving you…
Biology is not what makes you family! Wake up.
Edit: I’m sorry for sounding harsh. I just worry that you think life will be better with your Biological family. You can get to know them with your parents actively participating. You have to think of your safety. Your parents know you…they will protect you…they have your best interests at heart.
Take your time and get to know your extended family. Make sure your parents know EVERYTHING going on. You do no want to be taken advantage of. It may be worth it to see a Therapist to talk over how you feel. 💛
Do not just trust some man you don’t know and uproot your life yo go live with him. That’s totally unsafe. You’re punishing your parents but they chose you and spent their lives raising you. I’d find a therapist because you all need to learn how to communicate.
Totally valid feelings. When you get a major blow you are gonna feel a way. In the US folks tend to say you figure out who you are in college. Maybe going away is exactly what you need. The farm will always be there, maybe like a fall back plan, but I wouldn’t forgo going to school. Let the thoughts roll around and maybe get some therapy to really dig in to how you feel. Always keep in mind that you were chosen, you got picked. No matter how much your parents fumbled the roll out, you got picked. And now your world is bigger with an uncle and a farm to fall back on. Give yourself grace and time. Honor the plans you’ve worked hard for. Your life is real. Plenty of time to work it all out.
Remember in this process, you do not know your biological family. Be careful. They could be good people but maybe not. Tread carefully.
I am adopted and have always known so. I can’t imagine the crisis of identity you must be going through and the sense of betrayal from not being told and finding out the way you have.
I also know the invisible pull that the existence of birth family has.
But
Running away from your family, the people that raised and loved you will not make these feelings go away. And making life changing decisions about moving across the world to a stranger will not make those feelings go away. Certainly it may not be a bad idea to visit, to meet your uncle by birth. Get to know him etc, maybe even do a year abroad with him.
But my advice would be to sit with your mam and dad and talk to them. About how you feel. Ask the questions only they can answer. And remember rightly or wrongly, they made those decisions for specific reasons. Hear them out. Work on building back the trust. If you are not happy with the reasons they give or can’t move past them, just allow yourself space and grace to take it all in.
Your parents are the people who took care of you when you were sick, changed your diapers, went to your school plays, attended your sporting events, fed you, clothed you, nurtured you, and most of all loved you. The people who have raised you are the only real parents you have. Never forget that – despite their delay in telling you.
One of my parents found out they were adopted only after the passing of both of their parents/adoptive parents and when they themselves were a parent. They still grieve not being able to ask questions or learn more but they were still her parents because they chose her. I hope in time you’ll find comfort in how deeply they love you that you never questioned your origins and that in time you’ll find a new normal.
Your parents are still your parents. I think getting to know your bio family is okay but hold off on trips and maybe do video calls and get to know them a little first. Maybe your parents could meet them too? Then they can share fun stories from when you were little.
I was adopted and met my birth mother as an adult. I can promise you the mother that loved me all my life is the real mother. Having said that, it’s not unusual for adoptees to feel disconnected, even if they knew all along that they were adopted. You have suffered a loss and that can cause trauma, give yourself a bit of grace, let yourself grief, be angry if you need to, maybe speak to a counsellor or therapist, but don’t rush into anything and once the shock has passed judge your parents by how they were as parents not by genetics. They clearly made a deliberate decision to have you which means you were definitely wanted. That counts for something. If you want to talk to someone who’s been through similar you are welcome to message me.
Your “real” parents are the people who raised you. Sperm donation and egg harvesting isn’t “parenting.”
You don’t know why your biological family decided to let you go, but they did. There is some risk in trying to make a biological family fit when you know nothing about their values. It is our values that make up who we are, which come from how we were raised and socialized. I’m in the U.S. There is a recent, horrible story in the news in which an 18-year-old was vacationing in Florida with his mom and siblings. He wanted to meet up with paternal cousins whom he’d never met. He disappeared with them around 1:30AM on 8/1, sent a “help me” text to his mom, and his body was found in a pond two days ago. My point is that “blood” isn’t a tie that binds. If you want to reconnect with your biological family, have a therapist help guide you through the process and make sure the process is safe.
It would have been much easier had your parents told you about your background long ago. That was a mistake on their part. Three of my kids are adopted. We talked about being adopted from the outset. Given that our skin colors don’t match, there was no “hiding” the difference. Even with that knowledge early on, one of my kids struggles with her identity over being adopted, even though she’s the one we’ve had since she was two days old. The other two, who were adopted at ages 1 and 2 years old, haven’t had those same kinds of struggles with identity.
Understandably, you feel disconnected and upset. Start by marching into a therapist to help you sort out your feelings and identity. This is work that an expert can help you with.
I’m so sorry that you are going through this.
They have loved you as parents since you were a baby. This information changes nothing, except maybe that you should be even more grateful to them. A lot of people don’t want to be parents at all, even when they conceive children. Your parents CHOSE you! That’s huge.
A paradigm shift is in order here.
I know you have marked this as helped but I felt I needed to add.
They chose to have you, they chose to love you!
None of that was a lie!
You are very loved!
Did they raise you? Feed you? Love you unconditionally? Then those are your parents.
I’m sorry your parents lied to you your whole life. That sucks. Take care.
No, they are absolutely your real parents.
It is a shocker! My grandmother was 45 when she discovered she was adopted and had 8 siblings. Her adoptive parents were gone by then. And it was a tough situation. I was just about 5 and remember getting new cousins suddenly. And I did not know what it was about until maybe 10 years later. It was not even my personal experience and it was hard.
My suggestion is to get some counseling with a professional. You get to say all of the things you want to say, be angry, or say, or cry in the privacy of therapy. I would suggest doing this in person, and not by zoom. It gets you out of your house and into a safe place. You also know that someone in your house is not there listening.
I understand you likely have a lot of feelings right now and probably a lot of questions. Many of those questions are legitimate and relevant to who you are (biological family history etc) and that need can’t be met by your (adoptive) parents.
But do also remember that they are people who wanted you more than anything. They have raised you and shaped who you are more than blood links can. They only want the best for you and I’m sure that the fact that they didn’t tell you wasn’t because they were hiding it from you but because they were afraid of your reaction and because they didn’t want to ever risk creating any sort of distance between you and them. Maybe they could have handled it differently, but who’s to say how things could have been done with the benefit of hindsight?
Family is what we make it and who matters the most to us. Explore your biological family if you want to and be open to hearing their side but build relationships with them with the same caution you would any other person you just met.
Your parents made a (huge) mistake because they didn’t know any better. Yes, children should be told they are adopted from the very beginning. We all have the right to know where we come from. It’s not a difficult conversation to have with a child like many parents think it has to be. The child is told they have two moms, one who gave birth to them, and one who chose them to be their child because they loved them so much. The child grows up knowing their origin, so they are never shocked when they grow up. There is no reason to hide adoption as if it’s a dirty thing. Adoption is beautiful and hiding it makes it look like something bad or to be ashamed of.
People sometimes do the wrong thing for the right reasons. They probably thought they were “protecting you from your reality,” or something along those lines. This is the wrong way to look at it, but I’m sure they thought this was the best course of action. Give them some grace. They did the wrong thing out of ignorance, not out of hate.
Something you can tell your parents if you are not ready to talk to them: “I am sad, angry and disappointed you hid my origin from me. I am trying to process my feelings and I’m not sure what else to say to you right now. I still love you, and I’ll let you know once I have collected my thoughts and I am ready to talk.”
Those are your parents! My bio dad didn’t raise me and my step dad did and I call my step dad dad. He is my parent.
Please sit back and find someone to speak to and a support group,
You are lucky you have two families.
It’s a complicated situation and there are books, movies, docs, etc you are not alone and this is actually more common than you may realize.
Don’t suffer alone and please know your parent did what they felt was right even if it might not have been the wisest choice.
Hi OP.
What a shock it must’ve been for you and not the best way to find out but at least the cat’s out of the bag now. Your parents acting like nothings happened and carrying on like before this huge revelation doesn’t help and I can only assume that they’re having a hard time not knowing how to handle it all as well. Parents are human too and make mistakes. Only you know whether they’ve been great parents and if they’ve mostly acted with your best interests at heart.
I will say that DNA doesn’t make you family. Many have non-bio’s as their closest and most loved people in their lives. Many people have horrible relationships with their bio’s.
You might need to sit down with your parents and discuss all that’s gone on and explain how you don’t like that they’ve ’gone back to normal’ and it isn’t helping this situation at all. Maybe therapy so that everyone can get their heads around it all?
Before you do anything drastic and once all the dust has settled, maybe look at spending a couple of weeks with your uncle over the summer? Maybe not this year as flights are expensive, there’s lots to arrange and your parents might not even agree until you’re 18. If so, use this time to get to know your uncle a bit more and if there’s an opportunity to meet other members of the family. If flying out does become an option, travel with a trusted person in case things go belly up.
Best of luck with everything and hope things get sorted out for you.
Did your parents treat you like Oliver Twist or did they care for you? Whoever raised you are your parents. Instead of attacking the people who wanted you why don’t you ask why someone didn’t. YTA
Oh man. I could write a book. I too was adopted as an infant and so am all too familiar with the ways it messes with your mind.
But, here is the thing. Learning this now doesn’t erase the love they feel for you. They’re the ones who raised you, took care of you when you were sick – and that is what makes a family. Blood, DNA – sure, that has its impacts too. But good lord, there are millions of crappy parents who are the genetic parents of their kids, and that “blood” bond doesn’t mean squat if they’re lousy parents.
Love, being there, caring about you, showing up for the good times and the bad times – that’s what real parents do. Sounds like you already have real parents.
Yes, this news is a lot to process. Been there. It takes awhile to wrap your head around it. However as an adopted person, I would say don’t throw away the value of what they’ve done for you. You are indeed a part of the family. They really are your “real” mom and dad, at least in my world view.
As you process, remember that no parents are perfect. They all make mistakes and children all have resentment for their parents, some worse than others. Some birth mothers like my mother hated and regretted their choice, and took it out on their kids. Adoption parents chose you.
They are your real parents. You were in need of care and they cared for you. You should tell them you love them then just ask about the circumstances of your adoption.
Just because they didn’t birth you doesn’t mean they aren’t your parents. They chose you after you were born and loved you right from the start. You were their baby and you are still their child. I had a friend who found out she was adopted and learned that both of her birth parents were heavy drug users. Her life would have turned out very differently had they kept her. I don’t know about you but I know many people who would love to have parents who love them and each other as much as yours do.
It was a bit clumsy of your parents but tbh I don’t know when you’re supposed to tell a child they’re adopted. I could see myself getting into the same pickle while at the same time loving my child unconditionally. Go easy on them and maybe work through your feelings with a professional that is experienced in these sorts of circs.
I don’t think that anyone that really understood how to raise adopted kids when your parents adopted you. There’s been a lot of studies and the synopsis is, these days, important to let the child know from an early age.
What you are experiencing is a huge identity crisis. Connecting with your uncle would be cool, but I don’t think that you should derail your educational path – you are going to get to go to a new school, surrounded by new people, where no one knows you and you can be anyone who want to do. That is exactly what you would be doing if your parents were your biological parents, or if they had told you as a small child that you were adopted and they love you very much.
I expect what you feel is pretty surreal, but after it sinks in and you work through some of it I think you’re going to see that you have, in fact, gained more family.
My older sister was adopted out so blood related but grew up with a different family. Wile your parents should’ve told you wile you were much much younger it’s important to remember one thing: more than anything else they chose you, they actively said they wanted you in their family, you are wanted and loved.
You 1000% are entitled to feel like this though, it should’ve been told when you were a kid. Give yourself a little time to process, maybe journal so you can feel your feelings in a safe environment so that way whe you talk to them about it, it won’t get volatile. Talk to them about maybe taking a year off to visit your uncle and just feel things out, tell them you may need space, family therapy may be a really beneficial idea. Ether way your entitled to be hurt but just make sure you don’t break otherwise (seemingly) healthy bonds by acting too quickly
I’m adopted. Don’t put too much stock in blood relation. Focus on the people that make your life better.
This is a surprise and a shock. Your parents had no intention for you to find out this way. I’m sure they had a plan to tell you in a controlled and better way than it has turned out.
What matters now is getting the full truth. You need to get the full story from your parents about how your adoption happened.
You can then decide about what you want to do. It sounds like you’re already in touch with your uncle but take it slow. There’s no rush. Do you want to know your biological parents? If so be ready for any kind of reception. Just because your uncle is welcoming doesn’t mean that your bio parents will be as receptive. Hope for the best and expect the worst.
I’d suggest you do all the leg work from this side of the world before you go anywhere near your uncles. It will work out for the best if you take things slowly and get in touch before you turn up so people have a chance to react and think about what’s going on.
I wish you the best in your adventure. Remember lots of talking will see you right!
If you are 16 I can only imagine your confusion I had a similar situation early 20’s so I get the disconnect …and perhaps the feeling everyone around you knew but you
Don’t totally distance yourself from the ones who raised you though -them holding that information and doing whatever was needed for you as you grew up was a decision they made that they felt was best for you – every move they made has always been for you – you just may not receive it as that right now but down the road it’ll make more sense
I hate when people consider blood to be family, fuck no.
Your “bio parents” contributed DNA to eachother, family is EARNED
I get this may be a confusing period for you, but your mum and dad are the people that put the effort into shaping you to be who you are
They should have told you. That’s a big thing to find out all alone and accidentally. I’m sorry you went through that. If you want to reconnect with your bio family, that’s well within your right. You might consider, instead of running away permanently, taking a trip to visit your bio uncle and stay a couple weeks with your family’s knowledge. Maybe you will get to meet more of your family or get some answers to the questions I’m sure you have. If your family is kind to you and has taken care of you, take some time to process all of this before you just cut them off. I know it feels like a betrayal that everyone has kept this secret all these years. I would feel the same. But if there’s ever been love there, people do mess up.
Its okay to feel hurt and confused.
Its okay to feel lied to and disconnected.
Im assuming you dont know why you were given up but most birth parents dont do it casually. Your birth parents loved you enough to sacrifice their own parenthood so you could have a happy life.
Its okay if you feel betrayed for not having the opportunity to grow up knowing and loving those birth parents. Its okay you feel hurt that they hid this from you and for so long, like they thought if you knew youd stop loving them.
Most of the people here saying “your adoptive parents chose you so suck it up” are putting adoptive parents on a pedestal as if any thing they do is justified because they “chose” you. They did things wrong. You should 100% tell adopted kids where they are from if you dont want them to feel lied to and betrayed. You are in fact owed an apology and it is okay to be mad at your adoptive parents for doing this. They dont get a free pass because they had to spend money to get you.
Don’t make any decisions until you “adjust” to this new information. Running off to Australia will solve nothing. Never forget that you are with these two people because they love you and wanted a better life for you, than what ever it was that you had. When people choose to adopt a child, they are making a decision to share their lives with you. Be grateful for having them. By the way, they are your real parents, but not your biological parents.
You might want to see a therapist who specializes in adoption and attachment. They can help you work on those wounds. It sounds like your adoptive parents love you and were trying to do the right thing. But I also know that’s a very hard thing to find out. Would they be open to paying for some therapy to help? And, they may even be willing to go with you to meet birth relatives, so you’re safe.
Yes they’re not related but they have still loved and cared for you for years and they clearly want well for you
They loved and provided for you they are your parents your biological parents couldn’t or flat out didn’t want you and you got lucky and found people who would.my brother and me were both adopted out as a baby he got the good loving rich parents I got stuck with a old grandma who physically abused me as a child.if they took good care of you what is the big deal if your adopted?you might go to Australia and meet your bio family and they could be bad people don’t hurt your parents
It’s really hard to adopt, and often really easy (too easy!) to have a biological baby. If you are adopted it means your parents really really wanted you. There’s some beauty in that.
Also, maybe you can have two families now. Which many people are desperate for even one person that loves them, you have an opportunity to have a small army of people who love you.
I think you should embrace it.
You need time to process. Think about how much of your life was fostered by people who chose to have you as their child. They might not have gotten around to actually telling you, but, leaving the paperwork in a way that you could find it is proof that they never wanted you to not find out.
It doesn’t matter if you’re connected to them biologically. I know it’s easy to say this and it’s okay to feel disconnected, but parenting is all about raising a child well. It doesn’t matter if they’re your birth parents or not, what matters is that they raised you.
Maybe getting away from them for a while is a good thing for your own mental peace. But don’t cut them off, don’t run away. You’ll eventually be grateful for what they’ve done for you and appreciate the life they tried giving you. They didn’t tell you this because it’s a difficult thing to do. Some truths are better left unsaid, and as much as you deserve to know this, nothing should change even after this revelation. They’re still your parents. Your life is not built on lies, they’re just secrets intended to keep you safe.
People can be absolute trash parents to their own biological children, and people can be great parents to children they adopt. Sharing the same genes has got little to do with it.
I’m adopted.
I grew up knowing it. But I still dreamed of the day they “rescued” me. Because they would be better.
Then I met them.
Then I confronted my family.
Turns out they abused me horribly.
Your family is chosen. Anyone can (theoretically) make a baby on accident.
Your parents chose you. That’s pretty amazing. Walk carefully with your genetic “family” and embrace your chosen family.
They loved you enough to choose you and never walk away. They’re wonderful for that (if they’ve raised you with love which it sounds like they did)
Me and my wife adopted. You are family, there is no difference. Once you change their diapers, they are yours.
Just remember this Uncle is a stranger and could be dangerous for all you know.
You know nothing about that uncle. Being genetically related doesn’t automatically make him have good intentions towards you.
Sorry to be blunt, but it is your imagined relationship with your unknown parents that is not real. The people who raised you are your real parents. The way you are feeling right now is understandable, but don’t let it come between you and your family. Your parents may have waited too long to tell you about your birth parents, but that does not make your life a lie.
Biological parenting is the least significant aspect of being a parent.
I’m sorry OP. You have a right to be upset. Just remember, they CHOSE you, though. I’m sure they love you so much.
You know nothing about your uncle who owns a farm in Australia. He could be a felon, a pedophile, addict, etc. Tread carefully.
So you mean that the two people who fed you, housed you, guided you, supported you, and most of all loved you don’t feel like they are your parents because you found a paper? Please don’t do anything rash. Don’t insult them. If anything now that it’s out in the open they may actually help you meet your biological family if that’s what you want to do. But please don’t be mean to them.
I’m adopted, and my child is adopted. One thing I’ve learned is that everyone has their own adoption story. One thing I can tell you hands down as my child’s parent – I’m the lucky one. They are the best gift ever and I wouldn’t change a thing.
As an adopted person, I’ve always known. My parents would call me their adopted baby girl figuring that when I was ready, I’d ask. I don’t know when that was but I don’t remember a day I that I didn’t know. They did that because they couldn’t imagine having “the talk” and what age to do so where I wouldn’t feel weird somehow. I love how they did it.
What I gleaned from their efforts is that it has to be very difficult for parents to know when the right time is and then, as life happens, time puts it behind them.
Please don’t allow your surprise to alienate them. They love you, they wanted you and, having the papers on the premises, I believe they intended to tell you but didn’t know how.
Let it sink in. Don’t do anything drastic or make any permanent decisions now. Marinate in it for a while before it weeks or months. Allow yourself to experience any and every emotion that comes your way but sabotage your bright future. Try to show a bit of grace to both your adoptive parents and your biological parents I’m sure they all had the best intentions and want the best for you. Even if things could have been handled differently or better it’s too late to change the past. Most of all give grace to yourself. None of this was your fault, don’t beat yourself up about this.
They’re still your parents and honestly, even though they didn’t tell you this, it sounds like they did a damn fine job. Maybe you weren’t ready to find out: but I don’t really know when the best time is either.
Your parents chose to open up their lives to you. They very much wanted you. Find a support group or a therapist to talk to. You have every right to feel how you feel. Your life and your path are the same today as it was before you knew any of this.
As a fellow adoptee, you need time to breath and process. Talk to your friends. This is a lot for you and you don’t have to do it alone. If they are being Dicks ( it is a big. Heavy subject) talk to a counselor at school.
If you never figured it out, you must have fit in pretty well.
I never did.
Youʻve gotten good feedback here. At 16, Iʻm guessing your not finished with high school yet – so you have time to figure things out. I think the shock – is 100% normal – keep going to college open days, finish high school, and maybe plan a 1 week trip to meet/visit your uncle.
I completely understand, I found out at 47. Always felt out of place with the family that raised me. Bio-mom, adopted dad. It’s never easy. Please get yourself therapy. This is too hard for 1 person to figure out on their own. Our parents will also not be able to answer our questions logically enough for us to understand completely. Good luck and best wishes
Thank them for all they have given and done for you!
Op, they picked you. That’s gotta mean something.
That’s a really crappy way to find out that you’re adopted and I am sure your parents just feel sick that they didn’t handle it differently. These people are your parents your whole life has been spent with them. It’s easy to fantasize that you have a bigger better family out there where your life would have been perfect but life doesn’t work that way. Your Uncle may sound great right now but you know absolutely none of his flaws he could be messed up or not. Please wait don’t run off because you’re angry right now you’re in shock it will pass. Your parents may even encourage you to visit him. Big news like this takes time to process try to remember we are all human and we all make mistakes.
What an amazing story you have! As an exercise I would suggest doing some journaling on your life so that you can remember the details in the future. The feelings you have are valid and could be material for some excellent writing. It might even make you feel better overall to just get it out on paper. I think exploring your birth relatives could be an interesting adventure for you, and if you keep a good relationship with your adoptive parents you would have a strong safety net. I wish you luck and remember to take notes as you go!
You parents chose to love you every day. They loved you so much that they you didn’t question that until you saw those papers. Maybe they should have told you sooner. Hindsight is 20/20. It’s hard to know exactly the right thing to do. But they WANTED you. I would try to remember that before you walk away. It isn’t a betrayal. Your birth parents did what they had to, which was in itself an act of love. ❤️
Now you know. Adoption is only one of many ways to become a family. Biology isn’t everything. Many social workers were taught that Adoption should be kept secret, and that philosophy was instilled in the adoptive parents. They are 100% your parents, your childhood was real. As an adoptive parent and natural parent I’ve heard a lot of positive and negative comments. One person even said of my adopted kids ” they aren’t your real children ” to which I replied, “all my children are real, I don’t have any artificial kids”. You are a real child of your adoptive parents. Blessings to you.
I know that this must be so hard for you to go through right now. For your parents it was 16 years ago, but for you it JUST HAPPENED. You must be questioning everything in your life right now.
Being 16 years old is tough enough on most people. Now you might feel like you have been lied to for your entire life. It’s OK to feel that way, even if that isn’t what your parents intended. Your feelings are valid. You will need time to heal from the shock.
It might be a good idea to take some time to think about your life. When did you feel most comfortable? When did you feel most loved? If you hadn’t found those documents, would you have ever suspected that your parents thought of you as being anything other than “their child?”
It sounds to me like you hadn’t questioned their love for you before you found the documents. I’m sure that they want to make sure that you still know that you are family, regardless of genetics. It isn’t a bad thing to want to connect to your genetic family, but you may want to let the shock dissipate a bit before changing hemispheres.
From my own experience: I have 4 children with my wife. Our eldest was 4 years old when we met. He is not biologically mine, but he is mine in all the ways that matter, and I am very proud to be his dad. He loves, and is loved, by myself, my wife, and his siblings. There is no “step-son” or “half-brother” with us. He is my kid as much as any other of my kids.
I would be very surprised if your parents did not feel the same way.
Best of luck to you.
Your shock is normal and whatever mix of feelings you have is valid.
But try not to let this destroy your relationship.
They adopted you because they wanted you more than anything, and they’ve loved you the best they can for 16 years. If they’ve been fairly good parents, then try to make it right with them.
Maybe ask for some therapy to help you process, or family therapy to help reconnect.
They should have told you from day one and never made it a secret. Because once they made it a thing to tell you “somwday” it became harder and harder to tell you. They feel that they are your parents. They are the ones who raised you and loved you. They were afraid of how you would react when they told you, and putting it off became easier than facing it. But they put it off from fear of losing you or hurting you.
So its a mess, but you can come back from this.
Hi, social worker just jumping on to say I’m so sorry you found out in this way and it is absolutely valid to be feeling a whirlwind of emotions. Not enough people talk about how adoption in its most basic principle is a trauma or adverse childhood event for the child, even if you end up in the best of families.
Finding out significant information about yourself that’s been kept a secret from you can also be traumatic but not necessarily if you get the right supports. It might feel like it’s threatening your sense of self and identity, but you get to decide what your identity is, not people on the internet. So much of what makes an event “traumatic” is how it’s handled after.
Please please please seek out individual therapy for yourself most importantly but also consider family therapy and an adoption support group. Acting like nothing happened at all (denial, minimalizing, etc.) is not healthy but running away isn’t ideal either (although the urge to do either is completely normal and understandable!) I’m sorry you seem to be shouldering the burden of this (your parents would ideally be setting up these supports for you rn).
You deserve room to breathe, process, and feel alllllllll the emotions. I hope you can communicate with your parents about all these feelings and they give you space for that. Your relationships can be repaired, but the fact that they were partially broken by this betrayal needs to be acknowledged first.
I’d also empower you to make a decision on engaging with your bio family from a place of calm, not turbulence—from a place of wanting to connect, not running away from bio fam. Regardless of blood or paperwork, family is who you decide you want it to be, and they’re always gonna be imperfect. No, your parents did not handle this in the ideal way, but I hope you may find a way to forgive them one day. I have empathy for you and them in this situation. No one tells you how to tell your kid they’re adopted.
Getting to know your “real” parents… your biological parents is not going to magically make you happy healthy and whole. I speak from experience.
The people who adopted you are your real parents, for better or worse. If your bio parents were capable of being your parents they wouldn’t have given you up for adoption.
Unless your adoptive parents beat you daily, which you did not mention, you need to chill out. Find a therapist and get some help to process your emotions and abandonment without ruining the family you do have, not the ideal one you picture.
I think it’s cool that they CHOOSE YOU, they wanted YOU. My parents didn’t plan for me… didnt want a kid and it sucks
So u gonna leave without tellin em?
I adopted my oldest son. I was not able to choose my biological kids, but I was able to choose him. Of all the people in the world, they chose you.
They chose you.
You are wanted. By your parents.
This is an extreme betrayal and a huge shock. It’s understandable that you are upset. You need to allow yourself space to be angry at them for lying to you for so many years.
That said, people are imperfect. I don’t know why they didn’t tell you the truth from the beginning but I’m sure somehow they thought it was better this way. All parents – biological and adoptive – make mistakes.
I’d encourage you to be cautious about the uncle in Australia. That’s a long way from your home and support network if things don’t turn out to be great. I’m not saying you shouldn’t go meet him… just that you need to be careful and know your backup and exit plan like you would if you were meeting up with any other random stranger on the Internet.
I think you should give yourself couple of days of no action- time to wrap your head around this and sort your feelings.
You and your parents need some therapy, together and separate.
Hopefully you all can grow closer from this.
As someone who is a fully time step mum, I am telling you now there is zero difference! Blood or not who cares, kind of like a pet it doesn’t matter you still love and adore them, you wouldn’t change them for the world, my son even though we don’t share the same blood he literally has my whole personality! He gave me the gift of being his mum and I am so proud of the young man he has become.
You say you don’t feel part of the family but they chose you, they chose to go through a very long hard process to have you, you developed their humour, their trates not all of them but most of them.
As for your uncle, you do not know a think about this man, just because he’s blood doesn’t mean he’s a good person, my sons bio mother is a narcissist who used to tell him nobody loved him or wanted him, she’d love bomb him, manipulate and gaslight for all you know this man might be the same. Ofcouse get to know him, but don’t just drop everything and run to him.
Your parents chose you, raised you as their own, protected you, want to make sure you go to a good collage my son will never have that with his biological mother, she used to spit in his face, offer him drugs luckily my husband was granted full custody and at first he’d see his bio mother but after some time he asked to cut all ties. There are so many cruel parents, like recently that girl in America 7 years old unalived by her own father and step mother, your parents protected you, uplifted you, tried to give you the best. You could have 2 sets of parents both that love you that’s double what most kids have.
Try not to be angry at them, I get it you’re hurt and you’re aloud to be but perhaps attend therapy with them and separate, their know doubt acting normal because they don’t want you to feel like things have changed for them, they want you to know they adore you from the moment you were placed in their arms to now.
Take some time out for yourself, feel the emotions, go through it, talk it out though, then when you’re ready start to heal. Start to meet your other family but don’t just bump in, you have no judgement on your uncle so talk more.
I would say if he starts bashing your family, being pushy about you going over I would step back, a person who loves you wouldn’t b*tch about the people who raised you, they would be happy that you’re happy, they’d want the best for you and be excited when you’re excited.
If you can sit there and say your parents were always encouraging, always happy when you’re happy, protected you then trust that their hearts were in the right place, nobody gives you a handbook on how to parent every child is different blood related or not.
My best friend was adopted as a baby, and his family was healthier than my blood family.
You get to know that your parents chose you. You weren’t a mistake or an accident. No one was brow-beaten into having you. They wanted You. That’s pretty awesome.
DIL found out her adoption after she was married, when passport got flagged for diff names and their honeymoon trip couldn’t happen . She still hasn’t resolved how it all happened and hangs over her like a dark cloud .
Families are formed by love not DNA
I used to help people find their birth parents. Used to, and not just because DNA does the hard work now, but because it went too sideways and I didn’t want to feel the blame.
Sometimes it works out great, but most of the time it’s another hard and confusing relationship. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do it, but please be realistic about your expectations. Your adoptive parents are flawed people who made a mistake in not telling you, but you will find your birth relatives are also flawed people who won’t live up to your expectations.
Generally the first meeting is great, there is a honeymoon period and then the less good emerges. Expect non perfection and it will be okay. But also, yeah, your parents are your real parents. You just have somebody else’s DNA. That’s not nothing, but it’s also not everything
My best friend was adopted as a baby and only found out when joining the army at 17/18, the shock lasted a week or so but his parents are the people who raised him as far as he’s concerned now, he’s never wanted to or tried to contact whomever his bio mother is. Give yourself some time to process things I know it’s a shock but try to take some time.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I was also adopted at birth, but I knew about my adoption from when I was a child.
It’s normal to be conflicted about this. Yes, your parents raised you, but this is a huge shock to your system. I have my own opinions about closed vs open adoptions, but just know that everything you’re feeling is valid.
Don’t feel like you need to feel one way or another about this. It’s also normal to want to connect to your biological family. I can’t speak for all adoptees, but I do feel differently towards my bio family vs my adoptive family. Not better or worse one way or another, but different.
It would be beneficial to get to know your bio family. For one thing, you should be aware of any family history of genetic disorders or health conditions. Also, this is a part of you. If you’re not ready, then that’s okay too. There’s no time limit on when you can connect with them. I personally wouldn’t recommend going to stay with someone you don’t know, related or not, but it would be good to ask your bio uncle some questions you may have.
My heart goes out to you hun. This is a huge revelation and I can’t imagine the thoughts and feelings you’re experiencing right now. Don’t let anybody tell you how to feel. Take this at your own pace. Process it however you need. It would be VERY good for you to speak to a therapist about this, so I would bring that up to your parents, pointing out how much of a shock this is and how you would benefit from a professional helping you through it.
Be well, and be kind to yourself. All the best 🩵
They really dropped the ball not telling you a lot sooner.
Take some time to process this, but ultimately, they adopted you out of love and there wasn’t any malice in them not telling you.
Be very careful about visiting this uncle alone. You dont know much about him or his character and making a solo visit at your age could just compound your trauma.
Your adopted parents screwed up big time, but have they been fully committed parents otherwise? A family therapist who specializes in adoption issues might be able to help.
do they love you? do you love them?
just because they didn’t birth you doesn’t mean they aren’t your parents. your bio parents didn’t care about you and gave you up, and they took you in and raised you from birth. that’s your family. it’s not about blood, it’s about connections.
They may not be your mother and father, but they’re still Mom and dad and they clearly love you.
It’s not about where you’re from. It’s where you’re at.
as an adoptee, your parents are the people who were there for every bump and bruise, the ones who held you when you were sick. Sure it’s nice to know who your blood relatives are, (also so you can have an accurate medical history) but as the saying goes, the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. your parents CHOSE you, they saw you and found their missing piece.
I’m sorry this happened to you. I can’t imagine how confused you must feel. It must be so difficult to reconcile the memories you have of your family with the knowledge that you aren’t biologically related to your parents. It’s awful that you had to find out this way.
The sad truth is that adults don’t magically turn into wise people who know the right thing to say and do in every situation and they messed up big time by not telling you themselves.
It’s up to you to forgive them or not. Were they good parents? Did they treat you like you were their kid? Do you have a happy life with them? If any of these things are true, try and have some room in your heart to let them back in.
There are subreddits for everything so I would suggest finding other adopted kids to talk with to help you work through what you’re feeling right now. Once the shock wears off your emotional roller coaster is going to take off, so please find someone neutral to talk to. Good luck.
As a parent who didn’t come out and announce to my daughter (bio) that her dad (my husband) was not her bio – let me tell you my perspective.
My daughter’s bio left when she was 8 months and never looked back. When she was 2, I started dating my now husband – and so all of her memories are with him. We always knew that we would never actively lie to our daughter if she asked – however – she didn’t know any different – in fact – she came home from school more than once sad for a friend whose parents were going through divorce because she was “lucky to have both parents”. What were we supposed to say: “Well, actually daughter…you don’t!”. No. Also – my husband and I now had a child together and we definitely didn’t want her to feel different. We felt like we were protecting her heart ❤️
When she was around 8 we looked into my husband adopting her – hired a lawyer etc….but her bio dad would have to sign off and she would also need to go to court with a children’s lawyer and we thought that might be too traumatic (finding out about her bio dad leaving and then going through the court process, especially given that bio dad is a flake) – so we decided to wait until she was older.
When she was 12, she came home with the school emergency contact form for us to confirm and send back – and it had my husband listed as “step-dad”. So that’s when she found out. She was upset and angry – at her bio dad – and we asked if she wanted to go through the adoption process. She said yes – and so we did.
To this day – I don’t know if I should have done it differently – but I think not. I’m glad when she was a child she didn’t have to deal with the emotional burden of being given up as an infant. She never spent a single day feeling unwanted – which I understand is a common feeling for many.
Based on your numerous other posts, I am dubious that this is a true story.
Dude they raised you and now all you can think about is bailing out completely? Wow. I know you are upset but think this through. The amount of time and love they have shown you shouldn’t be thrown away that easily.
I found out at the age of 44 that my mum and dad used sperm donor IVF ten years after they married and couldn’t have kids. So my Dad it transpires is not the biological father to me or my three brothers. Ancestry DNA results showed a different Dad for each of us. It is what it is, ok you are adopted but one set of parents gave you up and the others raised you and love you like you’re their own. It will take a few months to process it but remember they love you.
They didn’t just raise you, they CHOSE you. Real family are the ones who love you and care for you
This will sound kind of corny, but I’ll leave it here anyway. It was written by Richard Bach, and I found it to be quite truthful.
“The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other’s life. Rarely do members of one family grow up under the same roof.”
I’m not saying you shouldn’t pursue the knowledge of your birth family, but don’t disregard the ties that truly connect you with this life.
I wish I could put you in touch with a friend of mine who went through the very exact same thing at the same age but for privacy he can’t be contacted. The one thing he did that seemed to help him was he spent about a year thinking of a new name. Something he connected with and grounded him in who he felt he was. Because he didn’t feel connected to the name he had been going by since they weren’t his bio parents and hadn’t told him the truth about his bio parents passing and how he was adopted. He has a great unique name and and it seemed (at the time he told me all this) to help him develop his sense of self. No matter what you do the most important thing to do is find a therapist.
It’s common for parents to wait till a child is an adult before telling them.
Because it’s painful and confusing…as you are experiencing now.
Your parents were waiting to tell you when you were old enough to cope and to make sensible choices about next steps. They did it BECAUSE they love you and didn’t want you to face this emotional rollercoaster as a kid.
Unfortunately it can lead to very painful places, your biological parents may have given you up because of some horrible circumstances. And they may be very toxic people. Babies don’t end up being adopted because their family is great and everything is lovely, do they?
Uncle in Australia, you have no idea what he’s like.
He may have a farm, but he could be a NASTY POS.
Why would you trust your safety to a man you’ve never met, who lives on the other side of the world vs the two people who CHOSE to take you in and love you unconditionally when your biological cell donor parents abandoned you/neglected you to the point you were taken?
Your parents are the two people you’ve spent the last 16 years with.
If you need to spend some time apart, that’s understandable – but sleep on it, sleep on it and sleep on it again. It’s all very raw right now, you’re REACTING emotionally, instead of acting logically. Very bad time to make any decisions.
They made a big mistake in not telling you from the beginning, but don’t be too hard on them. It was very common for that to be done , and for a variety of reasons. And then the reveal keeps getting delayed because they’re afraid that you’ll react badly, and then, BOOM! you find out for yourself and it all hits the fan, upsetting everyone.
So, yes, you’re angry, upset, and that’s quite normal. But don’t fly off the handle and do anything that you would regret later after you have a chance to recover from the shock. After all, they raised you, treated you as if they had been your birth parents, and more importantly, love you. That’s not something to throw away. Give it some time, and maybe get some family therapy to help resolve the situation.
They are still your family. Maybe they should have told you, but doesn’t change that they love you.Give it some time, before making major decisions.
Your parents fucked up by not telling you at a younger age. It likely started from being worried you’d go through an isolation phase (like you kinda are proving them right now on) or be bullied. They just wanted to be your parents as much as you want them to be is the core of it.
It kinda sounds like a part of you is hurt and instinctively wants to punish someone for it when there really isn’t a bad guy to blame. The whole “I actually love my real family more” thing feels a bit like that sort of reaction. Know that your birth family can easily welcome some rando over for drinks that might even support them monetarily one day, they never had to sacrifice to raise you so win win for them. Try to forgive your actual parents who raised you for their mistakes, you’ll find as the years go on you’ll notice more, but it really humanizes the experience they went through spending so many years devoted to you when you were young! If you decide to be a parent one day you’ll probably make some too.
What a nightmare. Do not romanticize your birth parents. You know nothing about them. Your real parents should have been upfront but were fearful of just this reaction. You were given up for a reason. You got lucky to be supported and cared for by someone who stepped up. You may be lucky and have bonus “parents” who may add to your circle of loved ones. Why did they give you up? Your real parents did all the hard work. Do not be ridiculous. The ingratitude drives me nuts. You can have it all. Do not blow it. They are all probably well intentioned. Count your lucky stars.
Do not run away to Australia. The uncle is unknown and could be dangerous. See a therapist to help you deal with this issue.
I once heard this quote from a girl that was adopted while she was being teased by bullies… “Your parents could have had you as an accident, but I know that mine chose me.”
Don’t ever forget… your parents chose to love you. That’s much more powerful than two people who had a child by accident and couldn’t be bothered to get their shit together and raise you, or whatever other story your biological family uses as a reason to explain why they didn’t want to take responsibility.
You weren’t theirs, and yet your parents chose you and the heavy burden of responsibility that brings. That’s a powerful kind of love.
It reminds me of the original version of the saying “blood is thicker than water.” That’s the opposite of what it is supposed to say. The original actually says “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.”
The bond that your parents chose to forge with a child that wasn’t even theirs is far more meaningful than a relationship created through the happenstance of birth.
You don’t know your birth parents. Your parents are the people who loved you, raised you, cared for you when you were sick and tried to ready you for the world. Not biological matter donors that walked away from you. It was a surprise sure. The reason they didn’t tell you wasn’t to keep you from some fantastic life with some other people, but to spare you pain. Grow up and be appreciative that your real mom and dad, the people who actually love you, cared enough to make a mistake in order to make your life easier. Running away to Australia? Come on now.
There are groups on Reddit for adopted people. You are not alone, and your feelings are understandable. I suggest reaching out to adopted groups, and therapy, as a lot of different emotions will surface. I’m also adopted. A lot of people mean well, but this is one of those things where only people who are adopted can truly understand.
Your parents love you and gave you your life. It’s normal to want to know your biological roots but don’t lose sight of the reality of what your parents have done for you.
When parents adopt a child, that child is chosen. Birth parents don’t get to choose, they get pregnant and have their child. Your birth parents chose to give you up for adoption probably because they were not in the position to offer you the life you deserved. I understand it’s a shock to learn at the age of 16 that your parents did not create you, but they CHOSE you. That makes you very special. There is nothing wrong with wanting to get to know your biological family but try to be understanding of your parents and the fact they did not disclose this information to you earlier. A lot of adopted children don’t get told until their are adults that they were adopted sometimes it’s best that way so the child doesn’t feel like they don’t belong and that can happen if the information is given at too young an age.
As you process in life, don’t forget to remember that no parents are perfect! They all make mistakes and children all have resentment for their parents, some worse than others
I really hope you update with: I know my adoptive parents love me, I love them, too. Wherever I go in life, this will always “home” to me.
I know learning about your adoption the way you did and at the age you did had to be hard. Best wishes in getting to a better place emotionally!
as an adoptive parent….this enrages me for you. I can’t imagine hiding my daughters’ true self and story from her. (age appropriately as time progresses)
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can only imagine you are having so many feelings right now, and they are ALL valid!
I do agree with people who are saying not to immediately cut them out- but if you need a little space that is okay!!! this is often viewed as one of the biggest betrayals. let yourself feel your feelings, but try to talk it out, too. it probably seems like it was intentional to hurt you, but i’m almost positive that it wasn’t. reach out if you need ♡
I don’t understand why parents don’t tell kids they’re adopted. Both my sisters and I are all adopted and there’s no shame in that. The youngest was not even 2 when we were adopted and she grew up knowing she was adopted. I’ve just never understood keeping it a secret
So you want to bail on the people who wanted you and want to go back to the ones who gave you away? Just think about this why are you really upset?
Please be careful and take the same precautions with bio uncle that you would with any other adult male stranger. You don’t know him or his intentions, or anything about what your bio family is or was like. I get that it’s a big deal to have that connection, but just proceed with caution.
Suddenly realizing you know nothing about your past or history is fucked up, and I’m really sorry you’re going through this.
There are plenty of therapists who specialize in working with kids in foster care or adoptive families. They may have at least some insight into what you’re going through, even if it’s from a lens of “and here’s why we advise against keeping it a secret.” They’ll probably be able to help with all the questions you’re going to have about your bio family and history too. It’s very worth pursuing therapy, and even family counseling, to address this hurt.
You are loved, and you are the same person you’ve always been. You just have new things to learn about your history. Try to let it add context to your story, rather than ripping anything away. I’m so sorry this is how you found out though. Your parents do have some serious making up to do.
As someone who also is adopted, just remember your bio-parents couldn’t/wouldn’t keep you. These people chose You as their child. That says something. I’ve honestly never had the urge to find my bio’s, I’ve thought about it though.
I was adopted a long time ago i love my family and I tried meeting bio family in my opinion be patient your parents did the best for you dont be hard on them they raised you and love you . My meetings with bio family was horrible not that yours would be that way just be cautious.
I was adopted. My parents told me I was adopted long before I understood what it meant. At 36 (years ago) I got an email from a woman saying “if you were adopted, I am your biological mother.”
If my parents had not told me I would have freaked out. There is no “good time” to tell the truth. If I were in your situation, I would be having a hard conversation with them. Waiting for the right time to tell you is BS IMO. not sure I could trust them. That’s just me.
What you’re feeling is totally normal after a reveal like this. Slow the big decisions down, ask your parents for the full story and to share every document, and get a school counselor or trusted adult to help you process. If you keep talking to your uncle, verify who he is, do video calls, and loop in an adult on your side so you are not navigating this alone. If it still feels right, plan a short, time-limited visit with proper consent and paperwork rather than an open-ended move. You can explore your roots without burning the bridge to the family that raised you.
I am an adoptive mom and let me tell you something: my son is my son. He doesn’t have to genes (thank god) or my blood, but he is MINE, as much as the one i gave birth too. He is the son of my heart, not of my body.
They are your parents. They love you. They didn’t disclose this because they worried you would feel not connected. You are more their family then your birth family. They chose you. Please ask them to help you get some therapy to process this situation. They fucked up for sure, but it isn’t because they don’t love you.
My brother was adopted. He knew from age 3. It caused him huge pain growing up – he had abandonment issues quite severely, would often run away to find his “real mother” and tell my mother she wasn’t a good enough mother to him. In his mind, he created a story where my parents had taken him and kept him from his “angel” mother. The truth was she was a child when she had him, had severe mental health issues and loved him but had no idea what to do with him.
I mention this because your parents protected you from trying to come to terms with this at a young age. Children create stories and reasons not based on fact (like my brother) that caused him unnecessary suffering. As a teen, it was worse as it compounded with his low self esteem.
There is never a “good” time to tell a child they are adopted, but the more able they are to reason and understand, the better. You are understandably shocked, but your parents adopted you out of love, and have raised you. You have a new chapter ahead of you as you discover your bio family, but never forget that love.
I’m really sorry this came out at such a transitional time, and without preparation. Your parents definitely made a mistake in communicating with you.
If you’re wondering who your mom and dad are, consider who comes when you call. Who’d come when you have a stomach flu? Whoever’s used to waking up in the middle of the night, emptying the bucket and bringing clean sheets, that person is sure as hell your parent.
If your family’s big gap is in bringing up emotional subjects, that is really important to know so you can work on it, personally and with them. They’re going to have health struggles someday, and you might have to check in regularly if you want to avoid the “didn’t want to bother you” foolishness.
They’re still the one who made sure you ate, and who worried about keeping you out of the way of careless drivers when you were a sprinting toddler, and who woke up in the middle of the night when you cried out. They are still the ones who are going to try to help you into adulthood (which is always awkward).
By the way, if you ever want reassurance that your parents care and are deeply committed to you, go ahead and answer it for yourself. Try taking a gig babysitting a small child for a whole day, or even an extended weekend. Childcare is not for people who don’t care.
They chose you. Now you need to choose them ♡ it’ll be OK xx
If I’m happy with the parents who adopted me, I wouldn’t bother finding the real ones tbh. The ones that took you in are those who chose to keep you and raise you, while the real ones gave you up for whatever reasons that they had. Choose the people who choose you.
All you currently know about your birth family is that something prevented them from raising a child born to them. Please do not join a DNA relation in a country foreign to you based only on this fact. It seems so unsafe. Please take things slowly and logically.
Your parents adopted you, and chose you. That’s love. They raised you, adored you, gave you what you needed to succeed. They’re your mom and dad.
I’m sorry you found out this way, but you have parents, and they love you.
As an adoptee, an international adoptee, I was told early on I was adopted. I would have had questions anyways. Telling an adoptee how we should or shouldn’t feel when finding out our adoption is insensitive. We are allowed to feel our emotions when finding out we are adopted. If I was 16 and found out, I would have been angry too. Maybe not at being adopted but the fact is OP’s parents hid it from them when they didn’t need to. Please stop invalidating someone’s feelings.
Blood doesn’t make family but that doesn’t erase the fact that grown adults hid part of their child’s history. They didn’t have to tell their child the whole story unless the child wanted to know. Simply being told I was adopted helped me growing up and if I had questions, I asked. Same if someone was switched at birth. It’s a privilege to know your bio family. For someone who isn’t adopted, this isn’t the place to comment. Listen to adoptees’ stories.
Many adopted children grow up in toxic and abusive homes. I don’t think OP should just run off to another country and live with someone they don’t know. I do believe OP has the right to know their bio family if they choose so. It’s selfish that the adoptive family wouldn’t want to tell them. Regardless of reasons, it’s easier to start to process it young than older. Yes, children need loving homes, but the child should be able to choose their family since we didn’t get to choose to stay with our bio family. Our choices were taken when we were babies or children.
My adoptive family may have “chosen” me but that doesn’t mean I or others owe them our life. Same with bio families. Just because someone raised you doesn’t mean they love or care for you. Many do for selfish reasons or a paycheck. Adoption has a very dark history. Yes, some people are unfit to be parents but the system also pushes people into situations due to lack of education. This is a very nuanced subject.
From my own experience, I don’t know the history or reasons for my birth parents “giving me up”. Maybe they wanted me or maybe they were unfit. Until I know, I can’t hold it against them. I still wish I had the opportunity to know my birth family even if they couldn’t raise me. It’s human nature to want to know people who look, sound, smell, act like you etc.
Let’s remember that adoption is trauma for both birth parents and child(ren). It takes a whole lifetime to process and heal from it. If society was set up to help actually raise families, then adoption wouldn’t be a thing.
I understand people can’t have bio children but they also need to be prepared and understand how to raise and support an adoptive child. Especially someone from another culture, heritage, ethnic group etc.
You’re probably feeling a lot of different feelings because your identity of how you see yourself in relation to your adoptive family has changed and shifted.
I’m adopted and I was aware from about the time I was 5 or so about it. There’s still this underlying notion that was popular back in the 70’s and 80’s etc that when it came to adoption, adoptive parents were told that children not knowing or waiting until they were much older would be the time to reveal that.
Which in fact was and is not helpful to do to adoptees. You don’t say if you are another race or culture from your parents or not but that’s an added layer of identity you don’t get a how to manual to address nicely. (I’m in my 30’s now)
I’m Latino from South America my parents white. For me the country I was born in was going through a lot of economic stress and that impacted my family directly in many ways and my bio parents a teen and a young adult and he already had a family to take care of.
Anyhow long story short my bio mom had me adopted and when I came to the US, the State Dept put a Do Not Travel warning to Americans at that time. My adoptive sibling his bio mom lived with a teacher because her father threatened her life for being pregnant.
Plus the person who did my and adoptive siblings legal paperwork ended up in jail after committing extortion to another adoptive couple.
These stories aren’t always pretty but there typically is a reason your bio parents weren’t able to be in a capacity to raise you.
While I had my personality differences with my folks at times I was still grateful that I was supported and cared about as I’ve learned over the years even folks in their bio homes don’t have that guarantee at times.
Sometimes adoptees don’t either but expecting to shack up with a practical stranger you have not met in person is risky.
Especially in a highly emotional state as a teenager.
Because anyone can say anything online and unless you have undeniable proof otherwise I would think twice about that offer. When I reconnected with my biological family who wanted to connect we had friends who were able to do some searching and verifying our birth mothers. It was an amazing trip and bittersweet in someways but I’m glad I did it.
However it was a lot of planning and understanding to be open to anything being a possibility if things are not all happy and positive, and you don’t do that on a whim because of feeling emotional.
You mean “I just found out my parents aren’t my sperm and egg origins”. That’s all.
Now you get to be curious about your biology. That is super interesting, but your folks are your folks, and I presume they love you more than you can fathom.
I am also adopted, though it was never hidden from me I can still sympathize with some of what you are going through. Its totally normal to feel out of place or lost and its common to want to try and reconnect with your biological family. Just like everyone else has said, it doesn’t change the fact that this family raised you and considers you one of them, and when the feelings aren’t as fresh I’m sure you’ll see that. One thing I do want to say that I haven’t seen mentioned though is this: keep in mind there is a reason your biological family gave you up, and be cautious moving forward with contact with them. Its common to romanticize the idea of finding your ‘real’ family and building up an image in your head of what they will be like. That romanticized image is often not the reality though. I met my birth father at 16 and at first it was great, but it quickly became apparent how toxic his family was and why they were denied the ability to adopt me. (For context: i was a child of teen parents (13 and 15, and my biological dad’s parents wanted to adopt me but were denied.)