I just found out my wife has racked up about $18k in credit card debt
So I was putting around my Amex account and saw that I could get my FICO report for free. So I did and saw an account with just under $18k. It matched the card number that my wife and I use for general expenses like dinner and groceries etc.
I initially asked her for the login to that card account so I could link it to my account that tracks everything (Empower). She kinda side stepped and quickly changed the subject. So I pushed more and told her what I found.
She messed up and said she had been trying to pay it down and was afraid to talk to me about it. I can admit I have been pretty harsh when it comes to spending money in the past. I have made leaps and bounds in my career since then though.
The problem isn’t the money at this point (Its still kind of sinking in though) The truth is I can fairly easily pay this off tomorrow if I wanted to.
My problem is think is that she’s been hiding this and basically lying to me for probably years to get this far into debt. Yet she’s planning Disney trips and other vacations etc. She just let my spend about $8K on a pergola and la escaping on our back yard. AND we’ve been starting on finishing our basement…I was prepared to spendaround $30K if I had to…
Maybe I just needed to vent because I dont really want to talk to anyone else about this to not make her look irresponsible or anything. I just dont know how I should handle this…
Comments
Maybe lower the limit on the card to like 5k once you pay it off?
That sucks that she’s afraid to ask you for help and at the same time not disciplined enough to check her own spending.
You can pay it off, but take other precautions so it doesn’t occur again. You also need to seriously put your foot down and tell her no more lying about anything, you’re a team and she shouldn’t be lying to you about anything, it’s not okay.
If she was scared to talk to you, you have a serious problem. Yes money is important but having the ability to be honest with each other regardless of how hard the subject is, is vital to a marriage. It takes trust to be honest, if you don’t feel secure in a relationship that is difficult to do. I am not talking about things like infidelity. I have had relationships where I have been too scared to be honest because of the other person’s reactions and I am in one now that I can tell him because even if he is disappointed I know we will still be okay.
From your statement of I know I have been harsh in the past, might just show she is scared. I know it is a lot of money but even that is relative. Maybe the two of you need to go through finances together, treating her like a child won’t help your relationship.
It’s not normal to rack up 18k in cc debt. What was the time frame? What did she spend it on? America had a huge spending problem that’s become so normalized and I do not understand it
This is financial infidelity. Not good and should be taken seriously. Maybe both of you can read “Money for Couples” by Ramit Sethi and get back on the same page.
This is a form of infidelity. I would check your credit report and hers so that you can know the extent of the debt. And go find a good marriage therapist to see.
Credit score is still excellent. But this is how I found out a out the debt we will talk…
Paying it off will not solve the problem. Trust me. She wants what she wants, or you would not be in this situation. She will find another sneaky way to buy things and be right back at it as soon as her fear of you leaving her subsides. You need to take sole control of the family bank accounts and finances until she gets some therapy and proves she can be trusted.
Is she afraid to talk to you or ask you for money?
Why?
Pay it off and put a limit on that card.
She hid a large debt from you.
That’s not ok.
That kind of secret debt is crazy. Brings up lots of questions. Is she a shopaholic? Lack impulse control. Does she have ADHD? Are you too controlling? Do you two communicate with each other? Irregardless, you need to objectively get to the bottom of this so it stops. A meeting of the minds needs to happen
I had to eventually tell my wife to stop spending frivolously – it was never lavish, just unnecessary – or I would have to start looking at separate everything and possibly including divorce.
She just grew up in a house that didn’t choose to go without. Her mom (mostly) overspent or was shortsighted on basically everything and it’s a trait my wife picked up. I grew up with much much less. Not poor, but definitely much less.
Once the cards are paid off you just straight up tell her the cards have to go away. Cut them in half and don’t get another one at all. Work together to create a zero based budget household.
I was in a similar scenario and we got it under control, but then kids expenses and funerals racked it up again. sigh
Sounds like you need marriage counseling/couple’s therapy and figure out why she felt the need to lie to you (especially since you’re struggling to talk with her about it).
But also how were you aware that this card existed (since you’ve been using it for groceries and general expenses), but not the balance or making the payments on it? How are your finances set up?
And how did she “mess up” what did she buy?
Oofff … financial infidelity.
It could be shame. She’s ashamed, and if it is that, even though its still bad, its better than some other reasons. Let her know that she can come to you for help. Don’t let her have anymore secret credit cards. Have alerts on purchases. Depending on her behavior, some forgiveness can be given, but you’ll need to keep an eye on her spending. Best wishes
The trouble is that she IS irresponsible.
You two need to get into marriage counseling and deal with this huge elephant in the room. You are not on the same page as far as finances go, and that is a major contributor to divorce. Furthermore, your wife thinks hiding shit from you is a legitimate strategy.
What did she spend it on and for how long has this been going on? If you have access to the account’s login, you should be able to see when/where it was all spent. And did the money stay spent as it was? Nothing was like, returned for cash and spent on a drug/gambling habit etc? I’m not saying this is happening, but please look into where the money went, that’s a lot of cash (at least to most of us)
What did she buy for $18k? If she can’t tell you, she’s going to repeat the same spending patterns in the future.
How long have you been married? How many children do you have? Are your sources of income combined into joint bank accounts that she has full access to? Have you been saving $ while she’s responsible for the household debt? It’s the household credit card that you both put charges on. Why haven’t you asked before assuming you’ve added to the debt? So many ppl spouting financial infidelity and marriage counseling with so little information. Is she good to you? Then pay off the debt and help prevent it from happening again.
I would take her card and cut it up clearly she cannot have a credit card also any other joint cards. I would then freeze my credit so she can’t open up any new ones. Then you need a real heart to heart sit down about ending this even if you can pay things off. You need to talk about house hold debt and I would have the two of you agree on a sum of money that she can have to either spend or save.
This should be on Am i overreacting from how out of bounds this is. Every sentence you say that somewhat holds her accountable is followed by a next sentence either talking down on yourself or undermining the situation.
This is not okay. My boyfriend lied about borrowing $200 from chime, he was caught, and I was furious. We don’t lie about where money comes from or where it goes. It’s a slippery slope, and your wife CHOSE to nosedive. 18k is a lot of money regardless of how much you make. It’s equivalent to a car or a down payment on a small house. Its not even one CHOICE, its many many many CHOICES.
I would check to see if she even tried to pay things off. If she was still making big purchases, she can’t really say she was truly trying to pay it off.
She knew you’d find out and forgive her, and pay it off yourself.
Have your wife screened for ADHD. The spending addiction sub is full of people with it (I’m one.) Dopamine issues and impulsiveness are hard wired for a lot of us. Medication may really help her problem, and even if she can’t find one she can tolerate knowing she has it and doing talk therapy is far btn.
She may need to go cash only. Credit cards are like “hey free money” for a lot of us unfortunately.
Get rid of credit cards and use debit cards.