When my fiancée “Lily” (22F) and I (23M) first moved in together, I always fell asleep before her and woke up after her because of my job. So for a while, I had no idea what was happening at night.
Lily has severe, violent childhood trauma and doesn’t like to talk about it. Recently, I discovered something that really worries me and I don’t know how to help her, especially because she doesn’t want help. She told me that from ages 9 to 12, she had intense panic attacks every night. They stopped between 13 and 16, but after she was kicked out of her home at 16, they came back and never stopped.
Now, every night, Lily goes through a cycle: pacing the house, falling in and out of panic attacks and sleep, shaking, then eventually calming down. She can’t stand the dark, so every light in the house is on. She also can’t sleep in our bedroom because I can’t fall asleep with all the lights on.
She insists she’s fine and has been managing with her own coping methods since she was a kid. She’s adamant she doesn’t need or want help. But it’s hard for me to just lie in bed knowing what’s going on. I want to help her. I’d do anything. But I don’t know where to start and she doesn’t want me to tell a soul.
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This is so sad. She’s not fine. She needs a very good therapist to help her manage this. If the first therapist doesn’t click, keep trying until you find a good fit. It took me 4 different therapists to find one that was right for me. It is good that you recognize that there is a problem and hopefully she will be receptive to help. You can be a good support person, but only a licensed therapist is qualified to treat her.
The only person that can help her is her. Therapy, meds, ect… are available to those that want them.
She needs help, put your are not qualified to assist. She needs a therapist at minimum. The beat thing you can do is encourage therapy
There isn’t much you can do for her besides continue to be supportive. She sounds like she needs a therapist to work through all of it. Until she’s ready things will stay the same. None of her coping mechanisms are working, she needs new ones. I feel for her.
I’m so sorry for Lily. My husband can’t go to sleep with a speck of light and I need some light on. We go to sleep at the same time, and he drapes a thin knit cotton fabric (ex. a wife-beater undershirt) over his eyes and he’s fine for the night and also when it gets light from the dawn. When there’s a will there’s a way. Has worked for 40 plus years
You can’t ” help” no matter what. She needs therapy. Don’t blame yourself. I understand you would like to help but she has to do the work of therapy. Therapy is a lot of work. Just be there to listen when she needs it.
You dont have to work every Day? On a free day I would stay with her. If she need Light to feel secure than we sit the whole night with Light on. I would hope that in this case she will feel more safe with me on her side. Probably buying dim lightbulbs. Maybe you find a way in the middle. Light on but low Level Light.
If that sounds dumb, then sorry.
I wish you both luck and a healthy life
Panic attacks can be managed pretty effectively with medication these days. I used to have them often but then I got help. She should really visit a psychiatrist. Sleep medication is probably an option too.
I have ptsd. I take an adrenaline blocking medication at bedtime. It has been an absolute life-changer for me.
Its the same one war vets are prescribed, called Prazosin. It blocks your body’s use of norepinephrine, or adrenaline. So it just decreases the fear response. Its not a narcotic or addictive any way and doesn’t make you feel high. Its worth a try (from a 33 year old nurse that experienced high levels of child abuse and didnt find anything that worked until this)
He needs urgent therapy.
Sounds awful, clonazepam and zopiclone at night time.
She may be so used to her method of coping that she has normalized it and doesn’t realize there are more effective methods, especially with childhood trauma. I’m 63 and still struggle with sleep. I sleep way better now but still find myself trying to avoid sleep-literally struggling out of sleep to get up and stay awake. I know it is due to childhood trauma that would happen at bedtime. But I’ve had CBT and biofeedback therapy this has finally put my trauma to rest. I’m just now trying to break a bad habit of avoiding sleep.
Be supportive and commend her for finding ways to cope but encourage her to explore some other methods that will be less exhausting. Baby steps, patience and understanding.
What you want to do is make it go away for her, take it from her, fix her. But what you really need to do is to really take a long hard look at yourself and if you’ll be able to live with her, year after year, if she never changes. What does marital intimacy look like if this is an every night thing? Does it seem acceptable to you to have separate bedrooms your entire married life? What would having kids look like if this is her nighttime routine, your kids growing up thinking this is normal? You have a lot to think about.
I agree with everyone. She needs support and therapy. But continue to love her and just be there for her. Maybe as a gesture you could get a nightlight and put it in your room so she feels like she can come in because there’s a light on? You could find like a cute or ridiculous one for kids … dimmable even? Maybe it’ll encourage her to go to bed
She really needs therapy. Medication might help too.
She doesn’t have to live this way, but you can’t force her to go.