I 27M was fully aware that my mum 43F came from a bad home her parents were not good to her and when she got pregnant at 16 she moved in with my dad 43M and his family.
I grew up in a really loving house both my parents and my paternal grandparents and eventually my younger sister. I only met my mothers parents a few times and I didn’t know them on any level.
I moved out for university at 18 and moved back to my home town after with my boyfriend and life is as settled as it gets.
Last month my sister got diagnosed with acute liver failure and is in need of a transplant. We all got tested and my dad was luckily a match. Something weird about my results were that my blood type was different to that of my parents and sister. That is not possible so i asked my mother, I’ve seen pictures of her at 16 pregnant so i know im not adopted. I had assumed maybe she cheated on my dad and lead him on and honestly I wish that was what it was.
She sat me down with my dad and explained that my biological father is my maternal grandfather. I never knew specifics of what happens to my mum she never wanted to talk about it. She said both he and my dad knew there was a chance but clung to the idea I was my dads.
Now whenever I see myself in the mirror it’s like I feel my insides curl up, I feel sick and like I want to peel off my own skin. I also feel disgusting whenever my boyfriend touches me, I should not be here, people like me shouldn’t exist.
I’ve not had the heart to tell him because how to I wrap my own head around all this let alone tell anybody else, and even if I wanted to how do I casually say ‘guess what it turns out my mum is also my sister.’
My parents made me promise not to tell my sister she has enough going on as is. I also feel so stupid because I always knew I favours my mum in terms of appearance but I genuinely thought I saw pieces of my dad in me only I guess it wasn’t my dad.
My parents have kept saying this changes nothing but both they and I know it changes everything. I wish this was fake as I know those comments are coming and I don’t blame those for thinking it but this is my life now I have to learn to accept who/what I really am and also how to tell my boyfriend because he deserves to know.
When I thought my mum cheated and lead my dad on I was so angry but I would give anything and everything for that to be the case.
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I understand this must be horrible, but this happened before you knew it, and even with this happening you defied all your hard times through life and became the person you are today.
Definitely speak with your boyfriend and explain to him you’re going through a hard time, even without going into specifics, but do try to seek a psychologist.
Try to remember how deeply traumatic it must have been for your mother. You have every right to feel hurt, but please try to look at it as she was protecting you while also dealing with horrific trauma. Do not look at it as her being “your sister”. Because she’s not.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Your origin story does not in any way define you or reflect on you.
This is very complicated and will take a long time to sort out. You need not just any therapist, but one who specializes in family trauma. You’ve had a major one.
Appearance or genetics does not determine someone’s character. The only person here who did anything wrong was your mother’s rapist, not you, not your mom. Our parentage only defines us if we allow it to.
Your mother against all odds gave you a life she can’t imagine, she did better for you and don’t take that for granted. What she went through was horrific and she tried her best to protect you from that.
Try to remember something: you’ve always been this person. The person that everyone who loves you feel in love with had the same parents you do. You’ve always had the same genetic makeup. You’ve always had the same back story. The only difference is you know about something terrible that happened to your mom. It actually doesn’t have anything to do with you directly.
Incest causes birth defects if it generational, but the first generation doesn’t tend to have concentration of negative genetics, so that shouldn’t be a problem for you or your children. If anything, this is something you now know about your mom and something she has likely be struggling with for years. Take care of yourself as you work through this, but don’t forget that this has opened an old wound for her and she may need to know you understand and still love her.
Your real parents raised you. Your biological sperm donor created you. Your mom and dad made you who you are today. You are the same fabulous person you were just a few weeks ago. Please don’t let that monsters actions make you feel otherwise. Praying for you and your family.
This is not your fault, you are not something bad – you are a gift.
This is not your mother’s fault, she was a victim too. She managed to triumph over something awful to the point she has a marriage, wonderful children, a partner and a loving family. She’s knocked life out of the park. She chose you. She wanted you. She has been courageous and brave and chose for you to have a life free of guilt or shame and to not burden you with her sufferings.
Your father chose to protect her and give you a home and a father who loved you – he chose you, knowing everything. He chose you and protected you. Know that you were worth fighting for and worth protecting. They say this changes nothing…. I know what they mean. It changes everything but it does not have to define you. They chose you anyway. Nothing changes that. They love you – that does not change. They do not see you as bad, they see you for who you are… and they choose you. You can still see pieces of your dad in you – your interests, jokes etc, they come from the man who chose to be your father and love you.
Your life shows that people can triumph over adversity – THAT is who you are! Choose the joy of that victory.
Be as brave as you can. Talk to a professional if you can. Say thank you to your mum and dad when you are ready. Your biology does not define you. You are a triumph!
Despite how you got here, your parents chose not only to bring you into this world and have —from what you said— given you a good life. Your mother was a victim—and that is heartbreaking —but we are not our parents or how we got here. You have done nothing wrong and there is nothing wrong about the person you are.
My bio dad, while I am not trying to compare, is a drug addict who liked to beat and impregnate women. I am an educator with 3 college degrees who spends my free time advocating for public schools and human rights. We are who we choose to be and your parents love you unconditionally. Allow yourself time to come to terms with this, and when you are ready, share it with your boyfriend. If he loves you, this changes nothing. Good luck!
You need therapy , this is a lot to navigate .
I’m a product of sexual assault as well and it’s a mind fuck. I found out by accident around age 11 when I overheard my mom saying her ex-husband (my bio dad who was later convicted of kidnapping and SA’ing a different woman) forced himself on her after they split. She survived so much. I didn’t bring up knowing that until 20+ years later. It’s a lot to process. Please get a therapist to talk to about this. Sorry for this shock but like you, I have an amazing father (mine is a stepdad) in my life who loves me deeply. Hold on to that love and never let it go.
When I feel lost and don’t know what to do I focus on positive facts. Like the fact that you are loved. The fact that your parents, are your parents because they raised you. Your father saved your mother and she had the good sense to get you out of that situation. Currently, you have family. I’m sure you can think of other facts about your own life but stick to the here and now. Stick to the facts that make you who you are today. My I know my dad is a drunk who I refer to as my sperms donor lol. In the worst of times try to find the light, maybe even humor in the darkness. It can help 💞💞💞 Love yourself, life sucks but it could be worse. We have to cling to any lifesavers we can find else we might drown in all the sorrow.
The first thing is: that was not your fault. Neither your mom’s.
And the best thing is to care about both of you. Your mom had to climb a fucking mountain to raise you. Please don’t let her work be in vain.
OP, you are not to blame for your conception. You are not defined by it either. There is nothing wrong with you. None of this is your fault.
Please talk to a therapist about this. If you are religious, you can talk to a spiritual instructor as well. But talk to somebody you trust.
This sounds like an absolutely horrifying situation to be in – I can totally understand how your sense of self has been altered.
I don’t think that Reddit can help you with this one, you need therapy BADLY. Do whatever it takes to get in to see a therapist, and if the first doesn’t help, then see a second and a third, until you find one who is able to help you.
Your dad will always be your dad, no matter who your biological father is. He raised you with love, knowing all along you may not be his. Knowing the trauma your mother escaped. Honor that man with the name Dad.
Get yourself a good therapist. You should talk about this how it makes you feel and whatever is going on inside your head. You can also talk to family and friends if you think that’s what’s best for you but someone who is not involved in this and actually knows what they are talking about might be best
Look how much your mum loves you – she kept you, she’s raised you in a loving family, and from what you’ve posted, you’ve felt that love every step of the way. She must have wanted and loves you an incredible amount to have kept you, so focus on that. You are HER baby, and that’s what matters.
Please go to therapy. There’s no way through something like this without help.
I wish your situation was more unique. You’re not alone in finding out family secrets through DNA testing. I wish you peace and comfort. Maybe write a letter to your Grandfather one day. Doesn’t matter if he’s dead or you burn it after writing, just a thought. Helped me.