So i had sex recently, for the first time. It was really painful and honestly not a good experience. My boyfriend was really loving and comforting, and I know he cares deeply for me. But right after, I just started crying. I still don’t fully understand why.
I feel so dirty. Like I’ve done something wrong. Like I’ve lost some kind of “respect” or value as a person. I know I haven’t done anything bad, but I still feel horrible. It’s like some part of me can’t stop believing all the stuff I’ve grown up hearing that a woman who has sex before marriage is “less,” not worthy, not respectable. I’ve heard men mock women who aren’t virgins. I’ve heard them say things like “no seal no deal.” And even though I know those things are toxic and wrong, they’re stuck in my head now, making me feel disgusting and broken. I can’t stop thinking that I’ve ruined myself that I’ve somehow become “less.” I know logically that it isn’t true but emotionally, it’s eating me alive.
I hate that I feel this way. I just feel shame. And emptiness. And like I’ll never be able to look at myself the same.
I don’t want to feel like this. How do you cope with this kind of internalised shame?
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Sounds like you might want to consider speaking to a therapist to unlearn this extremely unhealthy mindset you’ve been indoctrinated to believe. It’ll be slow but necessary work to regain your self-worth.
You’ve assigned this meaning to sex and then made it your identity however what you are saying to yourself is only you making that judgement. So, only you can change the meaning of it so you stop beating yourself up for a not great first time experience that has nothing to do with your identity.
And if you didn’t do it they would be making fun of you for being a virgin. Hang in there ❤️
It’s not your fault that you feel this way growing up with my culture and religion when I first lost my virginity I could hardly sleep. It also didn’t help that my partner was less than comforting after. I felt all your feeling. Therapy helped and also just knowing that my virginity didn’t define me. I was still the same person and losing my virginity was an experience and not a life altering event. I also put so much pressure on it and was confused why I wasn’t feeling happier after losing such a “big” thing. The feelings will subside just prioritize your mental health. You did nothing wrong and you’re still a good person.
I don’t think you shine feeling this bad..the fact that you wanted it and you had it is a big flex..imagine being raped or something? Heads up and feel good..it’s a natural thing to do….
Did you grow up in a very religious household?
Sounds like you have religious trauma.
This is the result of toxic purity culture. I would start by reading some sex positive articles and knowing that this takes time to unlearn.
Just FYI most of those guys are completely full of shit. Not that you would ever want to be with someone who makes such arbitrary moral judgements anyway, but trust me, those guys don’t mean what they are saying. Usually they are just lonely incels who want to make sexually active women feel bad, or they are just trying to fit in with their other Andrew Tate-love moron bro crew. Or both.
I think most people – regardless of gender – would have at least some reservations being with someone who has had many many partners (a “ho bag”, in scientific parlance), but virginity for most people is not really a deal-breaker.
Just out of curiosity, was your boyfriend also a virgin? I’m only asking because maybe some of these feelings are being compounded by also not being his first partner.
At any rate, just wanted to express that I’m among the people who think you have nothing to be ashamed of. Even if you regret your decision, you can regret something without feeling shame about it. Hope you can feel better.
It may not help right now, but believe me… In a few years time you’ll laugh at yourself for being so worried about it. I think 99% of people who look back at the time they first had sex and think “Why did I make such a big deal out of it”.
Hope you can stop being so hard on yourself soon. Sounds like you’ve got a good boyfriend, maybe speak to him about holding off for a bit next time until you feel properly ready.
Someone indoctrinated you to think this way. Everyone wants to have sex. It’s a human basic need, and a way of expressing yourself in your relationship. It sounds almost like you’re denying yourself the ability to feel pleasure.
You’ve been programmed with these beliefs from people who don’t understand how much you are loved by God. They impose these rules he has, yet God has no rules, just love. The rules we make should simply guide us to happy lives but not to shame us. They were wrong for believing false things and putting it on you/ ….speak in the silence of your heart to God in the quiet of your room, alone. Give all your pain to him, he will gladly take it from you. Be sincere. I traveled India once a while back. There was an Indian spiritual master there who spoke to us during a discourse. He said “A woman can never be defiled, for she is made of the same energies of God’s creative force.”
My friend, it may seem that way but it is not, don’t fall for the illusion that was planted in your mind. You are a strong and perfect woman in the eyes of God. The shame you feel is only your mind presenting this illusion. Wake up and walk free, you are clean.
First, let me pile on with everyone else who says go to therapy. You got to unlearn your internalized missionary or whatever the kids are saying these days.
Second, try having GOOD sex. It hits different when it’s good. Hormones, arousal and emotions are all interconnected. Relax your body have him take his time and make sure he gets you off multiple times before he finishes (or if he can’t/won’t, find a guy who will). All those angry negative voices in the back of your head get a LOT quieter when you just came your guts out.
Ask yourself: Why are such burdensome expectations, shame, and guilt placed upon women but not men? Why hold onto these sexist beliefs that do nothing other than cause misery? Remember, sex is a natural function, like eating and breathing. You have just as much right to engage in it without shame as any man does. Your value as a person has nothing to do with what’s between your legs, You deserve to be loved and cherished, and to live your life free of these attitudes that do you harm.
You are sharing all your emotions on feeling worthless and dirty. But it sounds like you were trying to save yourself for marriage.
Nah, sexual things are natural but honestly it’s just when the woman feels comfortable giving away her virginity. You didn’t mention was it a mutual thing in deciding to have sex. Because It’s so much pressure on young women to have sex but not enough time talking about it. Like, what the expectations are after. Or not letting someone guilt tripping you into sex. Some say it’s natural to hurt on the first time and not be good the first time. Every couple has different experiences and I’m sad that yours wasn’t better. Find a family member or a close friend to discuss your feelings. Please update us and try to not be so hard on yourself. Your self worth is more important than sex.
Try it with different guys daily
You are carrying shame that does not belong to you.
Culture has put this thought in your mind. So you are having aftershock of this cultural shame
Changing your thought patterns. Decide what you want to believe. Then go back in your life and identify when you started believing/internalizing these negative thoughts and replacing them with what you want to believe about the issue you’re encountering.
You’ve already said what you know to be toxic and what you don’t want to believe. Change this to what you do want to believe, then go back in time and do the swap. It helps to do this with another person who understands the process. Relaxation can help in this as well by slowing down your thinking before you go back.
A therapist can also help but make sure they understand what you want to do and stick to your plan.
It sounds like you didn’t actually want to have sex. I hope you used protection. The average woman does not enjoy her first sexual experience. For a lot of women it takes years to have their first orgasm because you need to understand how your body works and you have to have a loving and patient partner. Our society doesn’t encourage women to explore their sexuality which is why it take a lot of women awhile to have an orgasm. If a guy only wants to marry a virgin then the guy is not worth it unless he is also a virgin. Think about why you had sex with your boyfriend and if this is really something that you want to do again.
Virginity is a myth in our societies, or at least it is much more complex than a supposed “seal” being broken. In reality whatever you do with your own body concerns you, and you do not really change depending on what you did, and you certainly didn’t lose any personal worth. Try to be kind to yourself and think that you just wanted to do this because you felt comfortable with that person. Later, you will bring your experience in your future relationships, and you simply will chose the person(s) you will be with, including on they way they perceive your past sexual experience.
Men who need woken to be “pure” (for whatever that means) and virgin before the wedding might secretly be jealous that they’re not the first or the only one, or worried that they’re not the only one with sexual experience in the couple, and thus they could ne challenged. Past experiences are a healthy thing in any relationship, because they make you grow. An your future partner should appreciate this.
I think you should listen to your heart. The Lord has a good plan for your life. One filled with happiness and love, but if you don’t pray …how are you going to follow that plan. Trust me. You need to pray. Every day & night. Or this world will use you up and drag you down. You will get through this. You are a Child of the Most High God. P.s. avoid this boy. He is using you.
Oh hun you didnt “lose” anything. you just had sex for the first time. “losing virginity” is a religious construct design to suppress women and create shame. And from your post its working lol. Everything is going to be ok. As long as you’re being safe and everything is consentual and protected. And its ok if you dont want to do it again for a while but try not to beat yourself up about this. You mentions feeling “less”. Theres nothing about you having sex for the first time that anyone else is thinking about. No one can “see it on you” No one cares. Society and immature kids make jokes and thats again just feeding whatever shame.
Sex is a normal part of life and if you feel at that moment you were ready then so be it. And if you dont feel like you’re ready to do it again so be it. People have sex out of wedlock all the time. And it can still be meaningful and a beautiful experience. MILLLIONS of people lol there’s NO way they are all just dirty and going to hell for this. Your thoughts are just thoughts. They dont mean they’re true. Take it easy on yourself.
Therapy, oh so much therapy. And he better get some as well. You must have destroyed him by turning on the waterworks
It’s sad that the way you feel is 100% based on other people’s opinions. Not your own.
Most people just get used to it, it happens to everyone, just in different ways and degrees. If your thoughts are really interfering with your everyday life, then it might help to talk to a professional. But if they’re not, please know this: you’re not worthless for enjoying life. Those voices telling you that you are? That’s usually cultural or social conditioning. It’s up to you whether you want to keep living by those expectations… or let them go and make peace with yourself.
Most people eventually choose peace, and it takes time to get there, but it’s worth it. And if your boyfriend is supporting you, don’t let shame take over. Focus on loving him back, and on loving yourself too.
First, many women have a rough time during their first sexual experience, and it’s sometimes because their partner didn’t bother to arouse them or give them an orgasm. Second, believing that you are somehow “less than” is a product of the patriarchy. This is very unhealthy, and it can ruin a loving relationship. Third, keep in mind that some men and women have dozens of sexual partners and they are NOT “less than.” Please be kinder to yourself and remember that the voices in your head are wasting your time and energy. They don’t deserve to be there.
I think once you realize it’s 2025 not 1945 you’ll feel better about yourself, nobody thinks you’re less “worthy” because you had sex before marriage that’s just in your head maybe they did in the 1940’s but this day and age nobody thinks that way nor in my opinion do they even expect it
As far as the sex being really painful is because I think you’re nerves wouldn’t allow you to really get into it and enjoy it the way it’s supposed to be enjoyed and therefore because of that you’re body wasn’t able to produce enough lubricant for it not to hurt as soon as you get over this phobia of feeling less of yourself you’ll learn to relax and enjoy it there’s no better feeling than having an O
Hi~ you are going to be okay.
If you knew the number of humans who have grappled with “sexuality.”
Sweetie, DON’T be so hard on yourself. Our culture and often our parents, not their fault because they never had really helpful conversations, they are like first
say:
9 (just a little info & discussion)
10 (Iil more)
12 (lots more info & talk)
14 (Some real honestly and a talk with someone very knowledge, experienced, wise, kind….like a teacher or someone’s MOM, who you trust.)
Read or better yet~
“Listen to the author
Louise Hays, on u-tube.”
She had some WONDERFUL
meditations, talks, books.
Wayne Dyer also very good.
I believe in you!
✨✨✨✨✨🕊️
P.S. I have done years of therapy and it is the best. You need try 3 therapists…sometimes before you find the one who clicks with you.
Sounds like my first love. She cried the first time but after several sex it just becomes the “norms”. We were first for each other and it was awkward as heck
Understanding that Virginity doesn’t define you and no less because you’ve had sex. People who shame you are not worth your time. You’re not shameful or lack respect because of it.
I felt the same because I was too young and wanted to please everyone around me; conflicted with what my boyfriend and parents wanted for me. I wish I had just cared about purely enjoying myself. This life is for you, even if you make mistakes, they’re your mistakes, if you allow yourself to make them then in the end you can truly call this life yours. Enjoy your life, it’s not that serious.
If a woman list virginity she is worthless?! I cant believe people say these things in our 21 century. Many decades ago my father told (about my sister) that if a girl was still a virgin at 21 , she was not normal
Well, first realize that those feelings are a result of very controlling religions that dates back hundreds and hundreds of years. Where they created guilt over enjoying sex even if married if not specifically for procreation.
Even if you are not religious we can’t escape so many things in our society has been influenced by this.
So remind yourself that any guilt you feel is not because you did anything wrong, it’s because of extremely stupid people. You are NOT worthless. You did what biology pushes us to do.
As far as discomfort, get yourself a thin sex toy and practice. Learning what feels good will make a huge difference. Plus the discomfort will stop, and if it doesn’t contact a doctor.
Last. Use protection. More than one kind. You don’t want to get pregnant until you are ready.
Your feeling is right! Don’t do that again. Beg forgive from Creator and get marry for having inter-course!
It sounds like you weren’t ready for that step with your boyfriend. Is there a reason you chose to have sex before you were ready? Did your boyfriend pressure you? Given the shame you feel, you should see if you can speak with a therapist.
A therapist can work with you on why you have those feelings of shame. I’m sorry that you’ve heard men mock women who aren’t virgins. It sounds like you have been around some very unhealthy and defective men. Let’s just start with the fact that one global study found that 1 in 8 women reported having been sexually assaulted or raped before they turned 18. They weren’t given a choice about their virginity. Also, sometimes men who women have rejected get mean toward women b/c they can’t handle that they aren’t wanted. Perhaps a therapist can help you uncouple your feelings of worth from your virginity. Sex can be an important part of life, but for most people, it shouldn’t be the end-all-be-all of how they define themselves and their worth.
Do you define your friends’ worth based on their virginity? If so, why? People make different decisions, and what they do doesn’t have to be (and often shouldn’t be) our business from my perspective, so I don’t judge people based on what they’ve done with their romantic partners. Anyone who has time to sit around and judge people for when they choose to lose their virginity has way too much time on their hands and must be a bit of a loser for spending that time on judging that which is none of their business.
Regarding “like I’ll never be able to look at myself the same.” You aren’t the same, but we all change over time. Who we are today isn’t who we were yesterday. Experiences change us, but change doesn’t necessarily mean “less than.” Sometimes different is just different. You tried something. You weren’t ready. Don’t do it again until you are ready. No shame needed.
OP, jumping on the bandwagon here to go see a professional. Therapist, counsellor, psychologist, whoever you feel most comfortable with. Also go check out @ericasmith.educates on Instagram. She also has a website with some very helpful articles about purity culture.
She was recommended to me by my therapist and it’s been extremely helpful reading the articles on her website and Instagram.
its because you know deep down he was probably a demon and has forsaken your womb (portal). essentially you know deep down all relationships are demonic because angels dont exist here and want to engage in X (bond of torment) and will eventually break up (break the chain) with you.
Maybe it’s because of what you heard growing up, you feel so. Don’t feel worthless girl, you are still the same person with same energy, same kindness, and same love within you.. And, nothing can change that. Your virginity doesn’t tell your worth. It’s not the old world after all. Just Don’t think too much!
What is intimacy? It’s a culmination of love . Sex and making love are different . There’s some method to understand what’s what . A lot of sensitive women have headaches where their partners approach to them with lust. And when your man touches you with love and that comes from his heart , it’s a beautiful act of unity. Think about it this way. And also it’s an act of creativity given us by our Creators . You can create a new life;) . You gotta remember about it so far !;)
You should know your safe days and the best is to measure your temperature . Read how to do this. Because to use condoms for years all the time is not good, really. . We need man’s hormones and true intimacy without this rubber barrier for our health . I wish you to live and be loved. You have your best life ahead
It will take time, but you need to start deconstructing the messages you’ve received throughout your life. A therapist, coach, or counselor with a focus or base in feminism would likely help. The concept of virginity is heavily emphasized in purity culture. It’s possible that you didn’t want to have sex either – heteroromantic partnership is often coercive due to the strong societal norms. I didn’t learn that asexuality was a valid identity until recently. Best of luck sorting it all out.
I know that there isn’t much I can say that would make you feel better, but I will try.
This comment is intended to show you that I sympathize with you, and to point out the flaws in the prototypical male conservative/religious perception of female virginity and sexual activity.
Men of this persuasion (of course not all men) desire possession and control over the women in their lives. Sexual activity is one of many things they want control over, but it is an effective way of permanently attaching them to one man. Marriage, at its root (along with the concept of virgin brides), is simply a form of control over women. This ban on premarital sex is enforced by most of the men in a woman’s life to support the total dominance of men; each man doing his part to maintain the patriarchy. In the end, you may have lost value to the men who hold these beliefs, but they do not determine your value as a person. Your value as a person cannot be quantified or measured, because it is inherent in your being. You are a person first, before you are a woman, a virgin (or not), or a wife. Your value is undeniable and unalterable.
It will take time for you to feel better, but just remember that healing, mental wounds included, does not come without pain. It will be hard at times, like it is right now, but it is all part of a process that will take you somewhere better. I wish you well, and feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to.
You have been raised right.
Sex outside of holy matrimony should feel wrong. Repent and move on.
‘You are fearfully and wonderfully made’ God doesn’t create people for them to hate themselves.
Your value and identity is not based in a relationship or sex status. You seem like a kind, decent person. Give yourself a break and look after your peace of mind. Counselling is a good idea or joining a community/social group of women your age.
I spent time in a religious culture with similar values. All I can really say is that as you get older, you see that all the people who are screaming religious values (ie. Wait for marriage) are ALL FUCKING EACH OTHER. I see affair after affair and scandal after scandal.
If the people enforcing a value do not, in any way shape or form, actually live by those values, I would suggest one then consider deeply whether those values have any meaning at all.
You are not dirty; you’re only a person trying to figure out life.
Religiously and biologically speaking there is some basis to feeling guilty of losing your virginity to someone other than who you will spend your life with.
Your inner self is telling you something and it’s OK to listen.
But it’s also not the worst thing. In modern world most men don’t care about virginity before marriage, as long as you are not someone who has too many sexual partners (too many means having one night stands, short-term hook ups, etc).
It’s ok to feel bad about it, but life doesn’t end there, you have many great things you can do (and they don’t all come down to “don’t sin”). Your worth is not your virginity. Sure, it may be a small part of you, but really – doing good things
It’s OK to process your feelings but also be realistic. And don’t lose hope that you can be a great person, great woman regardless of this.
Straighten up little soldier. Its alr you made a mistake you should promise yourself not to do this again and do not tell anyone ANYONE PLEASE. Itll ruin you its your little secret keep it to yourself. And make your connection w god ask for forgiveness and move on.
Whereas some men feel shame if they’re still a virgin. You are worthy, whether you are a virgin or not. Old ways of thinking about women’s virginity has no place in the modern world. It’s no one else’s business but your own. Make your own judgements as to what is worthy and what is not. People that look down on you for not being a virgin because you’re a woman do not value equality.
Nothing is bad if you guys seeing each other for long-term and your base of relationship is strong enough but definitely it’s going to be little hard if everything just happened because of hormones and there is no strong foundation im relationship so take care accordingly sex is not shame but reach it responsibly.
How old are you? Losing your virginity hasn’t made you any less. Take a moment to try to understand your reasons for doing it and disregard all of what anyone has ever told you on this matter. If you did it for the right reasons, it’s because you’re loving yourself. You’re possibly just confused because of the initial pain caused by it happening. I hope you can find the ability to understand yourself better and know that you have no reason to let anyone make you feel bad about yourself. You should be proud that you’re able to make your own decisions and know that there is purpose behind them.
just think about how this mindset wouldnt exist if men werent insecure
Where you brought up in a very strict christian household? It sounds like religious abuse/indoctrination to me. But I’m not a professional therapist just some random internet person.
Unless you come from a place where premarital sex could put you in immediate danger, my advice is to enjoy your life and not worry about others. If you and your partner are being safe, it’s consensual, (and legal) I say go for it. If you come from somewhere that they are going to go out for an honor killing, I advise you practice safe self preservation.
If a guy thinks you are less of a person for having premarital sex, I’d say don’t date that guy anyway… someone else will make you happier.
All of that guilt at your experiencing is a residual effect of controlling influences trying to make you feel that sex is bad.
It’s not, there are people that want to control what you do and they use all sorts of mechanisms to make you feel that way.
Ignore them, they are not important. Sex is a normal, healthy experience that you can share with someone who is treating you with respect, as it seems like your boyfriend did.