I just started dating someone who says that the retraining order was put in place by an ex that wanted to destroy their life.
They admit to all of the violence : biting their hands, spitting on them and making violent threats at them. However the spitting was because they were provoked (insulted), the biting of the hands was because they had taken their glasses (and it was the only way to get them back) and the violent threats was because they were so overwhelmed in the relationship it was the only way to let their ex understand how upset and over they were. I understand that they were probably hoping doing all this would cause their ex to leave the relationship but in the end they had to be the one to break it off.
The ex then called the police after they had decided to leave the relationship, to ruin their life. The ex is manipulative, abusive and did not love them (their words).
Right now they have a lawyer and are waiting for trial. They have three different counts of domestic abuse.
Should I be panicking? Should I believe them.. that they are not violent and abusive and this was all reactionary and because they were provoked and unhappy?
Comments
So they admit to threatening and outright physically abusing their ex-partner, and you still somehow perceive the restraining order as baseless? Are you a moron or just trolling? Don’t believe a word they say.
Someone who handles their anger as such is not safe period. We all think men change for “the one” and we’re special, we’re not. Men will turn on you just as fast as they turned on their last victim.
>Should I be panicking?
No need to panic just yet, but you should cut all contact with them.
>Should I believe them.. that they are not violent and abusive and this was all reactionary and because they were provoked and unhappy?
Even if you choose to believe their excuse, that’s not an excuse. Their admitted behavior is reprehensible, and that’s why you should cut all contact with them.
Run away you fool.
But they are violent, right? Because they told you they did all those things. And they are abusive, right? Sometimes life provokes you and overwhelms you. But we all choose how to react in those situations. But, let’s say, and I don’t think this is true, that it was all a misunderstanding with an evil ex. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone that is still dealing with the fallout from an extremely messy and dramatic relationship and breakup? Does this seem like the kind of person you want to be with and does this seem like the right time in their life for you to start a relationship with them?
Run, don’t walk, away.
Did you know that prisons are full of people who did nothing wrong?
If you want to involve yourself in that lifestyle be my guest. If you accept being around that, you’ll become a part of that. And eventually you’ll normalize it and accept it.
These things aren’t okay and I wouldn’t accept being around someone who did them vs walking away. It shows bad decision making on their part. Especially if it’s so recent they’re STILL going through the process. If this was years in the past and they had time to process and grow. Maybe become a better person? Maybe. But even then still sketchy.
Please run without looking back , friendly advice
They are going to do that stuff to you as soon as you do something they don’t like. Then they’ll say it’s your fault because you provoked them into it! Get out now.
You don’t need to be panicking but you do need to politely but firmly break it off. Give him the classic – it’s not you it’s me. And pray things haven’t gotten to the point where he will feel entitled or obligated to begin stalking you.
Stupid is as stupid does
The person admits to being abusive and makes excuses about it’s somehow being ok for them. What happens when they decide it’s ok to knock you around?
FFS RUN!!!
This person has admitted to being violent, and takes no responsibility for their actions. They say it was all because the other person “provoked” them, with no realization that it’s possible to respond to being provoked without violence. Do not see this person again.
Oh, come on.
Even if provoked, violence is not the answer.
This is not a person you want to be with.
Rather than looking back and stating that they could have handled things differently, they decided to make excuses.
Person is not stable enough and hasn’t done enough to own their actions.
Walk away.
Whatever the case, this is a red flag and I’d walk away. But of course, it’s up to you.
The bar is so low it just exited the atmosphere on the opposite side of the earth. FFS.
Break up immediately. I dated somebody who said that they were accused of sexual assault and they told me that it was false charges and that they didn’t do it. And then one day they came over to my place drunk and they sexually assaulted me and even injured me and my down there parts!!! So they actually were rightly accused…
So you like red flags…
Red flag!
Oh honey, no. No no no no no.
One does not fall into a situation like this even if the other person is a walking piece of trash. This person is at the very least 50% responsible and probably more. Do not. Just do not talk to them again. The mess will follow them to their next relationship with whoever is dumb enough to date them..
My abusive ex described all his Ex’s as manipulative life destroying witches .. I was young and ignorant, I learned the hard way.
Listen to the advice you’re getting here.
That’s a hell of a lot of waving, blinking red flags there.
Like a Red Flag parade on Red Flag Day…
Long term restraining orders are not easy to obtain. Temporary ones yes but then they are often dismissed during the court hearing. If this order is in place it’s for a reason. Please don’t stay.
Exactly how many red flags do you need to see in order to make an informed decision??
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 restraining order
🚩🚩🚩 ADMITS to violence
🚩🚩biting their hands
🚩🚩spitting on them
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩making VIOLENT THREATS At them
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩three different counts of domestic abuse
How many red flags are there?
Sorry, I lost count because I am getting the heck out of here.
I think we are being trolled. This can’t be real.
Hmm
Do you WANT to be spit on and beat up and potentially murdered by this person??????????????????
Use your brain and get away from this VIOLENT PERSON.
Then read this free book about abusers – so you don’t end up being assaulted. You need to open your eyes.
Leave
It’s never their fault.
So it’s actually really hard to get a restraining order approved and you have to have solid evidence of why it’s valid so uh. The person you’re dating is fucking lying.
And what happens when they get overwhelmed by your relationship? Bounce from that man immediately! Youndon’t want that in your life. That man needs a LOT of therapy before he will make a good partner
Hi. 911 operator here.
You’re gonna be the next person who needs a restraining order if you continue with this man.
I see it all the time once the new girlfriend moves in.
Wow, seriously?
They bite, spit, threaten other person, but it’s not their fault? Riiiight.
Maybe the ex put restraining order because they are truly feared for their safety. Did you think about that possibility?
“Provoked” is not an excuse. Short of s ituation where you are fighting for your life, like someone puts a gun to your head, there is _never_ any reason to engage in abusive or violent behavior with your partner. And the guy thinking this is excusable in any way at all is red flag the size of Alaska.
The only question is, what will YOU do that “provokes” this behavior in the future?
WHEN SOMEONE TELLS YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM
Nope, you gotta go. Quickly and far away. Even if it wasn’t their fault you don’t need that noise.
Kinda like dating a guy in jail that says they were wrongly accused for murder. Good luck with that 😬
Omg it’s tragic that you even have to ask. The guy has a type I’m afraid. Please don’t be his type! (Gullible codependent submissive insecure vulnerable) Girl RUN!
Why take the chance?
Maybe not panicking but be smart and don’t get involved. Too many red flags 🚩
Are u fucked, run far and fast
Do you know the symtoms of a psychopath? This is huge, HUGE, red flags and you’re next in line. So run as fast as you can.
I came in thinking it’d be one of those things where the other party made false claims (actually is pretty common) and got it in place, but no this is legit. Steer clear and move on.
That is absolutely whack. Just casually admitting to abuse is wild. I wouldn’t pursue this person. They do their give out restraining orders just cause.
Edit: spelling
WTF? Get away from his person immediately. He literally admitted to being violent!
So they admitted to all the violence and you still asking this question? What’s not clicking for you that you should leave this person alone?
Give your head a wobble and ask why you are dating a violent individual, not to mention listening to their weak excuses.
Get away from the idiot now.
I’m betting money you’re letting gender play a role in this decision. Reverse the genders, and pretend you’re hearing a woman ask if they should be worried about a dude. There’s never an excuse for initiating violence. Spitting on someone because they hurt wittle feewings is ESPECIALLY bad and should absolutely be the biggest red flag.
Also, just look at the discrepancies in sentencing based on gender, and the way so many stories of domestic violence situations are handled by law enforcement. This person is bad enough they’re still getting charged… Just google it, you’ll see and understand.
I’m sorry but he is manipulating you. I had to file a protection order against my ex. And he tried to justify all of his behavior, after lying about it at first. These men are narcissistic and sociopaths! They do not ever change. No rational man should behave like that and resort to violence or threatening another person. The ex standing up to them is holding them accountable. It is not ruining their life. Leave him now and stop believing his lies.
To add, I found an another girl my ex dated. He treated her the exact same! This is now a one time behavior of your partner. This is a pattern that will continue. Him going to court and fighting it is a waste of everyone’s time.
As a domestic violence counselor for more than two decades, run faster than you’ve ever run in your life. They are an abuser. You don’t assault your partner because you want them to break up with you. You assault a partner because you’re an ABUSER. You need to stop justifying why they were abusive to their partner. Btw, that’s what every abusive partner who has a restraining order against them says to their new partner.
Based off your post history… you two are a match made in heaven… get married so you two aren’t in the dating pool anymore.
Oh yeah the old “had to bite my glasses out of their hands” defence 🙄
Fucking RUN this person is dangerous and you are a level 7 susceptible
Lots of people here are just telling you to leave. but in a toxic relationship anything can happen. Self defense is a real thing, but the courts favor the women.
I was physically attacked in my house when my ex wife was high, I did absolutely nothing, she called the cops I got arrested….I even had video and audio proof I did nothing. No one cares except the judge. But I still experience public backlash just like everyone in this thread is doing.
Insulting is not provocation for spitting. This is a violent person.
The courts don’t hand out restraining orders like sweets…. The threshold is quite high and there needs to be some pretty damning evidence.
This guy/girl (not sure if you clarified) is manipulating you. Run.
The abusive person is never at fault. There’s always an excuse for their behavior.
Does it even matter? Why would you invite this chaos into your life? Couldn’t be me.
So, they admit to everything and they’re still blaming the ex for their behavior and defending their own? Woof. How is you sticking around even in the cards? The level of desperation here is off the charts.
Lastly – who the heck bites and spits someone? What are we in daycare?
Ohhhh i read your previous posts, you’re an abuser and this post is probably about yourself biting people.
Leave your kid and your wife alone.
A bouncy red flag!! Please leave before it gets out of hand
In what world is biting someone the only way to get your belonging back from them?
Every abuser thinks they are justified and act in reaction to some perceived issue. That doesn’t make it okay.
You need to stay away from someone like this.
Oh, it’s definitely their fault. This is almost the same case as someone who says every ex they have had is “crazy”.
You should definitely get away from him. He told you exactly what happened. But worded it in a way that makes him a victim.
Don’t be stupid. Please. If you don’t want to end up on the news.
Person sounds crazy. Why get involved with someone that’s either violent or has a ton of baggage or both
Every lie has some truth to it, so he may have been provoked. His ex may have been bat shit crazy, but he clapped back. If you do something he perceives as wrong, he may lose his temper and bite you too. This fight was caused by both parties, but who knows who did what. Don’t take the chance that one little thing will have you on the victim end of a domestic assault charge. No guy is worth that risk. Run don’t walk.
There’s no reason to act like this unless you’re getting dragged away. This is a large child. 5 year olds have better behavior. Biting? Come the fuck on.
You don’t like how someone treats you, you move on.
Even if everything they’re saying were true (which is highly unbelievable), do you really want to get entangled into this mess with someone you JUST started dating? Their life is literally a wreck right now and you don’t need to be sucked into their drama.
Jesus are people really this naive? Run the fuck away. Immediately
I feel it’s really hard to just get a restraining order against someone unless there’s enough evidence to support it.
I don’t entirely understand why he needed to get violent against her for something as small as “she insulted me and then took my glasses.” It’s pretty difficult to justify violence unless it’s self defense and even if his ex was being violent towards him, he should’ve called the police first.
I think he’s under representing just how bad he was in these situations and I think he’s likely the abusive one, so yeah you shouldn’t take what he says at face value and break up with him.
they have all the reasons in the world to be violent now, are you really going to stick around for them to come up with reasons to be violent with you ? bc that’s more than likely what’s going to happen here
Abusers tell on themselves. Listen.
Do you think violence is an appropriate response to being insulted and unhappy?
I can’t tell if this is actually about someone you’re dating or yourself based on your previous posts. Either way, you need to focus on your anger management program not dating
You would be crazy to stay with this person.
They don’t just give out restraining orders. Fucking run!
Apparently, violence is ok, as long as you are provoked, insulted or if they felt overwhelmed. You might want to aspire to be more then someone’s punching bag.
That person is going to be in defensive ally-seeking mode. Nothing is going to be their fault. They are not in a position to enter a balanced relationship. At the very least it this person on a looong pause and feel free to see others. Everyone deserves a safe and sane partner.
“She made me bite/spit/make violent threats” becomes “LOOK WHAT YOU MADE ME DO” in the blink of an eye. Honest to gum, it sounds like you’re asking if you should date a pitbull with food-and-toy reactivity: “Oh, he’s the sweetest dog ever. Except for every time I reach for his bowl: he’s sent me to the ER six times now! And the shelter said he did that with his previous owner, too…!”
One more thing: be very careful breaking this off. I wouldn’t want to be in your shoes when Mr. Wonderful asks “You do believe me. Right?”
Run.
NTA
I would not believe this person at all and I would run. Do not invite that kind of person into your life.
Normal people don’t bite someone’s hands to get something back.
Of course it’s never their fault.