So me(f31) and my partner(m35) have been together for 12 years and poly for around 4 years now. Our relationship is rock solid and we have very much enjoyed this poly adventure. (Well except the beginning. I didn’t handle it well at first.)
Anywho- I keep “stealing” people from my partner and it isn’t a new thing. A handful of friends stopped talking to him and started talking to me long before the poly journey. I even tried to give minimal responses to those friends because I didn’t want partner to feel abandoned by his friends. But it just keeps happening. He keeps making remarks that he’s just gotta keep friends seperate from me. (Which is fine he can have friends that are just his) But I just feel AWFUL.
Then this most recent issue. He matched with this girl on a dating app and they started hanging out/dating. He brought her home to meet me and I was immediately smitten with her. I made it a point to sit as far away from her as possible. I tried my hardest not to steer convos or take over them. I excused myself early-ish so they could have alone time. I even told me roommate to make an excuse to leave as well. I didn’t get her number or add her on fb. (He eventually told me to add her on fb, and I did because I’m fkn stupid) No in person contact outside of the times he brought her over. I didn’t even hug her despite being the huggie-est person ever.
Welp. It didn’t work. She’s enamored with me as well. I love the idea of a throuple situation but he just gave me the cold angry shoulder all day. He said “life goes on. I should’ve known better than to get excited” I feel just terrible. I want to pursue things with her so bad because holy crap Batman she’s awesome and we have sooooo much in common. I want her so badly but I’ll never go for it cause my partner would be so upset. Which also sucks. I thought I could maybe be friends with her (I’m so fkn stupid) so when she asked if she could come over for a couple hours I said yes. What a god damn mistake that was. He barely acknowledged me when he got home. He keeps telling me to go for it (just friendship) but at this point I should know he’s just trying to save face and doesn’t really mean it. I had already made plans with my boyfriend(32m) so I left the apartment feeling like I shouldn’t go. Not that we would have talked much if at all.
I guess I just want y’all’s thoughts. Did I do anything wrong? How should I do better?
TL;DR people seem to pick me over my partner no matter what I do. He gets upset and I feel like a piece of shit.
Comments
I mean, I fear you are ignoring the neon coloured elephant breakdancing in the centre of the room here.
>A handful of friends stopped talking to him and started talking to me long before the poly journey.
That wasn’t because you are more interesting. It’s because they dislike him.
So why is that? Why is it that mutual friends cut him off?
Have you ever actually asked them what it was? Why they lose interest in him?
Because that isn’t on you. Friends can, as you are aware, be friends with both you and him if they want. But they don’t. And it’s not because you’re too dazzling, it’s because there is something up with him.
And given how sulky and sour he gets about this stuff I suspect they probably pick up on that energy. You are relentlessly positive about stuff and quick to blame yourself but he does not come across as very emotionally mature or healthy and likely that has been doing more damage for him than he realises for a long time.
The way it played out with this particular girl is what it is. Attraction is attraction. But it doesn’t actually have anything to do with why everyone else seems to lose interest or withdraw from him like that, even though he is quick to blame you for it [red flags waving as he does so].