I know I have to keep going but I don’t wanna be here no more.

r/

Sorry if this is inappropriate. I must state that this is in no way about slf hrm. I just need to vent about having to live in a world that doesnt have room for me.

I’m 28 and my plan A, B, C, D, and E have all gone to shit. Seriously. I’ve gone to 2 great colleges and dropped out of both. I’ve been lucky enough to have apartments in 2 different states to try to start fresh. Every time, I’ve found away to fall aggressively on my face with physical and mental illness.

When my plan E failed, I realized I had lost everything. Most importantly, every friend I’ve ever had. In a storm of desperation (and instability), I started posting on my IG about trauma, illness, and all of my failures. I talked about the world being a better place without me. I’m very, very sad that I did this.

Even more sad? Nobody checked on me. I made my fight for my life public- and the response was a resounding fuck off. Not only could no one slide their damn fingers up for a “u ok?”.. there was a person or two who had told me they loved me and would support my recovery, who have gone radio silent in the months since these posts. The sentiments are clear: even the people who love me most don’t want to get their hands dirty with me. I can’t blame them. I deleted the IG- my psychotic rants will be the last that mostly everyone I’ve ever loved will see of me.

My head hurts every second of every day. The trauma flashes do not stop, ever. I am very clearly not deserving love. Not because I am ugly or unkind, but because I am a failure. I’ve already lost to natural selection and I’m not even 30.

I do know that tides can change, it’s taken a LOT of bad luck for me to lose my health in the first place. It’s possible I could get struck by good luck at some point. But until then, I am a passenger in a dead man’s body I swear. This world is not for me. I have lost my cognitive function, lost everyone I’ve ever loved, lost my access entertainment and enrichment. Hell I can’t even enjoy the free stuff because my brain is so cooked with ADHD, regret and self hatred.

I just miss having peers. Solitude fucking blows. If anyone has anyone advice for how to escape a traumatic environment please share because Im about to choose homelessness. I’d rather my body kill me than my mind.