Backstory, like many couples my partner and I have struggled with fertility. And we know it’s on my side. I know I’m the broken one who can’t seem to get it right to even give my partner a chance at being a dad. And that alone hurts. We’ve been trying for several years. My friend knew this. I had cried to her about how I’m failing my partner because this is the one thing he has always wanted in our relationship. He knew from the start that it would be difficult, and he assures me that he is okay with not having kids as we still love to spoil our nieces and nephews.
But dear friend who knew my struggles… why did you have to send a picture of what was CLEARLY a positive fucking pregnancy test asking me what it means? “Is this a water line??” IN WHAT FUCKING UNIVERSE IS A LITTLE PINK FUCKING LINE EXACTLY WHERE THE PINK POSITIVE FUCKING LINE COMES UP A STUPID WATER LINE?!
You didn’t need to involve me. You didn’t need to send that to me. I get it, you were unsure and excited, and I’m not saying that’s wrong, but why the fuck did I have to be the one to tell you? And then you fucking questioned me?! Asking if I was sure. And I told you to do what most people in that “uncertain” time would, go do another test, see what the result is there. And then you did. And it was the same fucking result.
I had cried to you about how much of a failure I feel I am for not being able to even have a chance at conception. For years I cried to you about it. And it was only a week before your result that I spoke to you about how hard it is and that we were trying to accept that it’s not going to happen for us. I told you how confusing it is because I was on the fence about kids, but I wanted them so badly because I want to make my partner happy, and I want to have the choice to have kids…. I’ve spoken to you about these struggles….. but you still had to go to me to tell you it’s positive? When there were so many options you could’ve taken? Do you realise how fucked up that is? Did you even think to consider how it would hurt? And I get that my feelings aren’t your responsibility… But do you even care that it hurt so much to find out you’re already pregnant? And you’ve been “not actively trying, but not actively preventing” for 2 fucking months. You spent less than half as many months as we have YEARS…. We have been trying for longer than you have been roommates with your partner…. but I’m the one that has to hear it? I’m the one that has to do the fucking work for you?
It fucking sucks. And I know it’s shitty of me, but fuck you. I’ve asked you to step back, I’ve told you it hurts to talk about and that I need time. But have you even thought about apologising? I know you didn’t intend to hurt me, but you still did, and I told you it did. You didn’t intend to hurt my dog, but you apologised profusely after accidentally stepping on her paw…. but I don’t get anything more than “Okay” when I tell you that your actions hurt me….
Legit, fuck you. Fuck you and how easy it was for you. Fuck you and your fucking waterline. Fuck you and your “not really even trying”. Fuck you and your stupid fucking message. Fuck you and your fucking lack of consideration for a friend you knew was hurting over this very fucking thing.
Two thirds of our lives we’ve been friends, and I still don’t deserve to have my feelings considered? Two thirds of our lives as friends, and you still didn’t see how much it hurts to try and accept that kids won’t happen for us even after confiding in you about it?
You weren’t sharing exciting news either. Don’t pretend that’s what you were doing. You weren’t sure. So you were making me work it out for you. You were dragging me into something I didn’t need to be in. And then to tell me you don’t want me to tell anyone. I get that you’re only 6 weeks along, but not only did you not consider my feelings, but now you expect me to handle this on my own? Another fucking struggle, and constant reminder that I’m broken and trying to give up on dreams I didn’t think I’d had for so fucking long. And you don’t want me confiding in anyone.
It would’ve been less shit to handle for me to find out when you were ready to tell everyone. At least then I would be able to speak to my fucking friends and family to deal with this. But no, I’m sobbing to internet strangers, knowing full-well I’ll be copping “You don’t get to tell people they can’t be excited or have kids cause you’re struggling” or any other negative thing that I myself have said. I’m valid in feeling hurt. I am excited about this, and you’ll both be amazing parents. But fuck you.
I just wish you didn’t use me so unnecessarily and then tell me I can’t get support from people around me because you were too fucking stupid to consider just doing another bloody test because you “didn’t have to pee again right now.” Less than half an hour later you had enough for a second test… You didn’t need to include me in finding out you’re pregnant. Whether you meant it or not, that was cruel.
EDIT cause it’s come up a few times already, I am in therapy. It is on the list of things to talk about and I do know all the therapy things like this being projection, and I am fully aware that it isn’t fair on her, and it isn’t something I’m going to throw our relationship away on, cause I’m gonna love the crap outta that baby. I just don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this until therapy (next week thank fuck) without disrespecting her wishes of keeping it to myself. I’ve already been keeping notes to never use her name just in case my therapist knows who I’m talking about lol.
This is just the ramble of shitty emotions that keep piling up and giving them a space to exist and be expressed, cause it’s almost 1am and I can’t sleep because all of that won’t stop repeating. And I just need it off my chest for a minute.
Comments
I really think you need therapy…
I know you dont know me but i just wanted to tell you, your feelings are valid. A real friend would have more compassion for you and your feelings. You are so right about how she didn’t have to involve you in this yet. I hope you find peace with your partner.
I hope you find peace and healing.
Your “friend” aside, please be kinder to yourself. This is pure cruelty:
> I know I’m the broken one who can’t seem to get it right to even give my partner a chance at being a dad.
What are you supposed to do to “get it right”? Change your physiology? You’re struggling enough without being mean to yourself. Give yourself grace and take care of yourself.
I’m super sorry for what you are going through, but therapy. Holding onto this anger is going to implode important relationships in your life.
Oh man…. I’m trying to brew up my compassion for you. Sounds like your friend has really been there for you. And maybe she could have told someone else first. But let’s be honest, you were going to have these feelings whenever you found out.
Take a deep breath and decided if you want this friendship. Because friendship is a two way street and it sounds like she’s been supportive of you. This might have been though less but I hardly think she was trying to be cruel. Can you handle being friends with a pregnant woman?
So it’s ok for you to trauma dump
Your hurt feelings due to infertility but it’s not ok for your friend to ask a question and wanting your support? You need therapy infertility is horrible but you can’t take it out on other people. I read your post history especially regarding your BIL you sound really bitter
I’m sorry that you’re going through this. You are not faulty. You are not wrong. You are not incapable. You are not broken.
I’m saying this with a lot of love, I know you are mad at your friend. But you can’t expect other people to stop living their lives because of your struggles. Yes, what your friend did was insensitive given your circumstances. But what if you’re the only friend she trusts with this? Yes, the better way of approaching this would have been to give a fair warning what she wants to talk to you about and ask you if that’s ok with you. You are absolutely allowed to be mad about this. But right now, you are projecting all your anger and disappointment and self loathe on your friend.
Dear, please consider therapy. What you’re going through is heartbreaking, but your reaction to it (all of it) is so very unhealthy.
I hate jealous people rub their shite in your face
I’m so sorry. What this person did was cruel and thoughtless. Yes, obviously, she would have had to tell you about her pregnancy later, but this was NOT the way. Your feelings are valid.
Unfortunately, some people don’t know how to be friends in a supportive way to those who are undergoing long-term issues like infertility. That is also evident from some of the dippy comments here.
Your feelings are valid. You are not broken or a failure due to infertility.
She sounds like she’s been a loyal friend for many years and has been there for you during your journey. Not trying to make you feel like shit here but you’ve trauma dumped a lot on her. I get it-it’s your life and it must be so painful and for that I’m so so sorry. But taking it out on her is just not going to ever be okay. Why is it okay for you to lean on her so much about fertility, but not the other way around? You two have separate journey’s and that’s okay. What matters is that she’s a friend, doing friendly things. You’re losing sight of that. Envy and contempt will destroy your relationship. You have to find it in you to acknowledge your pain and envy and then choose to replace it with compassion and joy for your friend. Good luck in therapy, I do think it’ll help greatly. And again, I’m very sorry-I’ll keep a prayer for you.
You need professional help and a lot of it. SMH
Yes, you would have found out either way, but the cruel part was putting you on the spot by asking a direct question like that. We show people grace by giving them space to have their feelings without demanding that they react the way we want them to.
I’ve been there with the infertility and the feelings of brokenness and the jealousy was often the worst part of it. Therapy and taking space for myself was the best thing for it. ❤️
Go ahead OP. In therapy, know it’s not her (the friend) fault, still helped her through it to rage at the void of reddit.
Go ahead, we’ll hold whatever you need for a while. It’s ok to rage. It’s not fair. I’m so very sorry.
This internet stranger says FUCK HER and fuck the universe. You have every right to be furious at anything right now because life is being unfair to you. I’d tell her that you need to tell her secret because this has been traumatic for you and you need to talk to someone. If I were her and had pulled such a tone deaf move, I would completely support you sharing with who you need to share.
Have you considered that maybe she thought revealing it to you in this way was possibly less harmful to you than making a big happy announcement? Whether it was the right way to go about it or not, she doesn’t sound like a bad friend to me if she’s been there for you listening to your struggles for that long.
Whether she included you on figuring it out or told you later, you would have probably been upset either way.
I hope things get easier for you. You’re more than a womb. You’re a person, a partner, a friend, etc. Don’t forget that.
The friend could have been more tactful. She could have asked someone else or I don’t know do this to other her partner. Yes OP would have found out at some point but this stage where the friend could have just done a 2nd test or gone to the doctor. It’s great news for the friend and OP recognizes that she’s projecting. Yet the friend could have handled this differently. Done the beginning stages with someone else. It didn’t have to be OP.
OP continue journaling your feelings until you can speak to your therapist. Also you can confide in your husband the news and neither of you tell another soul. He’s your partner.
OP is adoption not an option for you and your husband? Would the two of you be unable to love a child less because biologically they’re not yours? Just a suggestion. As someone who always knew children may not happen the traditional way I thought absolutely adoption might be an option.
This is a good place to anonymously vent. Your feelings are valid and you are in pain. I highly doubt your friend can even picture what you are going through. Most humans don’t truly understand the sort of suffering that comes from fertility and parenthood struggles.
Someone struggling with having too many kids or not struggling and just seeking out a friend to ground them is most likely not trying to rub it in your face or hurt you. More than likely your friend sees you as a wonderful caring person who knows you’d be there for them and know the tests and how it works. If she did it on purpose you should drop her but I doubt it was meant that way.
I’m glad you are in therapy and hope you deal with your pain and anguish as healthy as you can so you don’t harm the relationships around you. I’m so sorry you are struggling and wish you the best
Nah fuck that. Honestly your feelings are valid af. You’ve got the right approach and you’re realistic. And fuck your friend.
Sending you all the love from my corner of the world 💜 The world is a hard place and shit doesn’t always go the way we planned, but I hope what you’ve got is good and you get to keep it for as long as possible 💜