I’ve been with my girlfriend (26F) for two years, and I think it’s the only real relationship of any kind I’ve had in my life.
Before meeting her, I (28M) don’t think I ever truly cared about anyone. I won’t go into detail, but I’ve never felt like anyone mattered other than myself, and I’ve never really understood how people connect or why they care so deeply for each other.
I’m not trying to sound edgy or like some tough guy, this is genuinely how I feel. I didn’t love my grandparents, I don’t love my parents, I don’t love my friends. If I never saw any of them again, I don’t think I’d care. To me, the world is full of people who could replace what they give me.
I’ve never been a good son or friend.I haven’t treated people who cared about me the way they deserved. I’ve managed well in life by faking it; I know how to act likable and make a good impression. But it’s hard to treat people right when, deep down, you don’t actually care.
That changed when I met my girlfriend. I don’t know how to explain it, but I care about her feelings. I think about her.
I always treat her well, I think about what she wants or needs me to say or do, and I do it, even when it’s not what I’d normally want.
Recently, her grandfather had an accident and is in critical condition in the hospital. She’s going through a really hard time and is debating whether to take him off life support. She asked for my opinion.
What I honestly thought was that the old man had already lived enough and it might be better to unplug him and save the money. For her, it’s an emotional and moral dilemma so I try to offer practical advice as gently as I can, because I truly don’t understand the depth of her pain or her feelings for him.
That made me reflect on myself. I really believe I’m missing something fundamental that others have. I’ve always thought that, but it never bothered me until now.
I’m not a good person. The good things I say or do aren’t because I feel them, but because I know they’re “right,” because I’ve seen someone else say or do them.
I don’t think I can truly be a good boyfriend, or not the one she deserves, because my instincts are selfish. Even though I genuinely love her, I’m afraid that even at my best, I’m worse than anyone else because I don’t have a moral compass.
It kills me to think I might hurt her. I’ve even thought about parting ways with her—which is the last thing I want, because maybe it’s what’s best for her.
Feels weird writing this.
TL;DR: I’ve never really cared about anyone before and have gone through life faking empathy and relationships. My girlfriend is the first person I genuinely care about, but her grandfather is dying and I’m realizing how emotionally disconnected I am. I’m worried I’m not good for her in the long run, even though I want to be.