Something important before starting is that I’m 27M and my parents never married.
My paternal grandfather married my grandma after she got pregnant with his first son (my dad) and when the second baby came he found out it wasn’t his, but couldn’t divorce her because our family was extremely religious (not anymore) and divorce would NOT be in the table for him since it would mean all his family would cut him off, and he stayed with her until she passed away.
My dad, that saw how unhappy his father was and how it affected his own life and his half-sibling’s too decided he wouldn’t marry until he had a two kids of his own blood with his girlfriend. To be fair he did talk with my mom about it and initially she was okay with it since she understood how it affected him. I honestly somehow do too but it still seemed unfair to my mom, but as a kid I didn’t understand at the time and as a teenager I didn’t feel in the right to butt in or say anything.
Well, my parents had me and where happy, but there were no marriage plans yet, but it was fine, they just needed to have another child.
So they tried for years, and years, and years, and now here we are, his only son almost in his 30’s and they are still NOT married. My mom had fertility issues but she wasn’t infertile, and they attempted to get pregnant for many years depite the difficulties, but they never could. My mom suggested to go for adoption but it didn’t align with my dad’s the self-imposed rule of having two biological children with his partner to marry, so he declined.
They eventually stopped trying and seemed ok together, but my mom constantly asked to get married since they were together since highschool but my dad did not want that because he wanted to marry after having two children, which was now off the table so eventually my mom gave up and stopped asking.
With that said, there was never an issue out of it that affected me directly until a few years ago.
See, as I’m an only child my parents kind of expected me to give them grandchild, and when my parents (or should I say my dad) decided to stop trying for another baby they agreed that they would marry when I have my own child. I didn’t know it until 2 years ago, because a few years ago I came out as gay and evidently I won’t have any biological kids (I don’t discard the possibility of adoption but it’s not in my plans and my dad wanted a bio grandson).
So, unintentionally, I destroyed that last hope of them helping raising my child to finally get married (although I know it’s not my fault, but my dad’s ridiculous norm he had for himself, so I don’t feel one bit guilty or any remorse).
At this point my mom doesn’t even care about marriage anymore. She is 58, and even before I revealed I was gay she didn’t think she would ever get married to my dad because of how much he seemed to have in his requirements to compromise.
A few days ago my parents, two of my aunts, my uncle (my dad’s half-brother) and me were celebrating my mom’s birthday, and she was having a nice time, she was smiling a lot and we were giving her our gifts for her to open in the spot.
When it was my dad’s turn (it was one the first gifts) she opened it and it was a small box (no, it wasn’t a ring’s box, it was like the size of a necklace box so it wasn’t that obvious at the moment) and when she opened it there was a paper that said “would you marry me?”. She turned to my dad, who was getting in one knee, taking out an engagement ring out of his pocket, and waiting for my mom’s response, who was looking at him with a strange look it almost seemed made me laugh by how serious she was.
She looked at him, then at my family, who were visibly more shocked than her (I was too but I was kind just staring blankly) so apparently no one other than my dad knew about his proposal plans, and she just said “ermm… let’s not spoil the moment right now, let me open the rest of the gifts”.
My dad apparently was shocked by how indifferent my mom was and sat down without saying anything while my mom went back to cheerfully open the rest of her gifts, and the rest of the family was also enthusiastic about it (maybe a bit too excessively but I guess it was to avoid thinking of the awkward moment that just happened) and after enjoying the meal we all went to our homes.
Well, that was two days ago and today my dad asked if he could come to my home and I said yes, I though he was gonna vent about what happened at my mother’s birthday, and I was totally right.
He cried a bit sating how he had planned to propose to my mom after thinking a lot about it, that he was NOW ready and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her, that he couldn’t believe he humiliated him like that in front of the family, and the whole time I had to keep my straight face, but it was so difficult because of my dad’s nonsense until he said the last phrase and I couldn’t hold back anymore and starting laughing my ass off.
Obviously, he got mad and asked me why I was making fun of him. I don’t hate my dad, but I was a little too mean to him and said a lot of stuff I didn’t say as a teenager and even as an adult because it wasn’t my bussiness how they handle their relationship.
To summarize, I told him something like “I don’t know what you expected after leaving my mom waiting for almost 40 years for a proposal. You didn’t need to wait for her to get pregnant again just because that old hag was a cheater. Or did you think my mom was a cheater too? If she was a cheater, why did you stay? If you knew she wasn’t, what was the point of that stupid goal of having two children to prove she wasn’t having an affair?”, and I kept going off on him for like 40 minutes, he was so shocked I raised my voice to him since I have never done that to anyone.
He stayed quiet during my whole rant and when I finished he just avoided looking at me and simply apologized. I gave him some coffee before he left so he would calm down and possibly talk to my mom.
I think they will get married, but I was so annoyed that he decided to do it at the worst moment, in the worst place, and in front of everyone and then complained he felt humiliated as if my mom wasn’t waiting for him for decades for him to not even comsider marriage until they got old. Bruh.
I just wanted to rant, sorry for the long text lol
Comments
this whole story is NUTS, good on your mom for not giving in to the pressure of a public proposal to say yes, and good on you for getting his ass about it after the fact.
It sounds like your dad was more disappointed that he lost the power of something he had thought he was holding over her head. Jokes on him and his ridiculous self-imposed rules, you just said what someone should have told him years ago. He embarrassed himself over a decades long power trip.
I’m proud of your mom. I am sure it was humiliating to her being punished for decades over the sins of someone else. Sins that producing a second biological child wouldn’t even disprove as condoms exist. Having had fertility issues myself I can guarantee this felt like a further punishment for her due to her struggles. I am shocked she stayed. But im not surprised after all this the prize of marriage to your dad has lost all desirability.
“complained he felt humiliated” for 2 minutes, as if she wasn’t humiliated for nearly 4 decades with him refusing to marry her. That’s rich.
Good on your Mom and kudos to you for sticking up for her.
Your poor mom. There is such a damn stigma to being the unmarried mom and she put up with it for 30+ years because she wasn’t fertile enough to meet his demands?
And then he switched his demand to you having to perform.
Idk how either of you put up with his shit for so many years.
lol I would absolutely do what you did. Also I can’t believe your mom went along with this craziness.
Ngl, I kinda hope your mom doesn’t marry him.
Imagine spending forty years with someone BEFORE deciding to spend the rest of your life with them.
What in the fuck?
No, you told his childish ass what he needed to hear. He punished her because of his mother’s infidelity, for nearly 40 years. He dangled that over that woman for decades, thinking she’d still do the pick me dance to get him to marry her, now he’s upset he’s feeling what she felt. How the tables have turned.
Somebody should have told him that 20 years ago. Better late than never. Your dad needed to hear it.
I don’t know how a man gets so stock up on this well into his 50s. His logic is insane. If he had two biological children with your mom, that wouldn’t stop her from cheating on him afterwards if she was a cheater and neither would the existence of a biological grandchild. Just how fucked up was the marriage between his parents that was this afraid of it?
Your dad had some unresolved childhood trans based on his mom cheating on his dad, and their to unhappy marriage as a result. Which has made him insecure in his relationship.
If I grew up in a household where my parents hated each other, id probably do some weird shit to avoid that happening to me too.
He finally works through that and tries to make a bid for connection to your Mom. That bid is rejected, and his kid mocks him for it.
I’m not saying your mom should have accepted his proposal. That’s completely up to her.
But laughing at him, knowing his background, is a dick move. I mean, I don’t think you’d like it if you worked over some childhood trama and faced flat out rejection from your entire family.
I can’t imagine this will have a positive effect on your relationship with him, or his relationship with your mother.
Yeah. He humiliated her for 40 years. He should suck it up for a couple of minutes of the same.
Today I learned that this guy doesn’t think a person is capable of cheating after two pregnancies. Once that second birth happens, apparently a woman’s vagina seals shut like a bank vault and will only open once it detects the DNA profile that created the two previous pregnancies.
Like wtf is the logic here?
Please let us know what your Mom responds when your Dad tries to propose again and/or explain himself.
Updateme
I’d be humiliated staying with a man that dangled marriage in front of my face for decades even through fertility struggles. What an asshole. Truly. But good on her for the self respect to not just accept the proposal out of pressure and a long lost dream. She may be at peace without marriage now but boy, that must’ve stung to be proposed to after so many years of hoping and wishing only to resign yourself to being a permanent girlfriend. Feels so insulting and humiliating for her.
You’re a good son. He needed to hear it.
Glad that someone was actually able to have this conversation with him, seems like he needed to hear this 20 years ago.
Your dad had 40 years to put some effort and make the proposal a little bit personal, but instead he chose her birthday to make it about what he has finally decided to do.
I THINK TF NOT. LMAO. Give your mom props, and I hope your father has learned a valuable lesson in all of this. Then ask him to imagine how your mom felt having a son with a man who was “not ready’ and “unsure” of whether he wanted to marry her, for 40 years! Not even having a kid convinced him; he waited until they were both in their late 50’s to do it. You’re mom is both strong and brave, because I would’ve left your dad after you were 5-6 years old and married someone who wasn’t going to have to be convinced to be with me and my son.
Best of luck and congrats?
I love when people get exactly what they deserve. Karma cafe is still serving bangers
Wow, what a rollercoaster of a family dynamic! Honestly, your reaction makes total sense, it’s wild your dad clung to that “two kids first” rule for so long without considering how unfair it was to your mom. Sometimes parents forget their kids grow up, see the whole picture, and form opinions. Venting probably hit him harder than expected, but maybe it’ll help him finally reflect on how much time he wasted.
Christ that’s long. I’m sure everyone clapped though, OP. Everyone.
Also, your dad hijacked her day and tried to make it about him. He’s selfish
Your dad should have gotten therapy for his issues 35+ years ago.
Good for you for telling your dad what was up. He was being ridiculous.
I’m hearing a lot of “Me Me Me” from your father. He made your mom pay for someone else’s infidelity, made her feel pressured to produce a second child despite fertility problems, wouldn’t accept alternatives to a bio child because of what HE wanted, disregarded the fact that she wanted to get married for YEARS then expected her to cry tears of joy when he decided that HE was finally ready to drop the prerequisites and that HE now wanted to get married. After 3 years with my boyfriend he said something about getting married in 5 years, which would have put us in our mid 30’s. I informed him he could wait 5 years if he wants but I’ll be finding someone a bit more enthusiastic about marrying me. This was in 2004, we got married in 2005. No one is going to sit there and TELL me what kind of timeline I have to follow and if that is what they need then we obviously aren’t compatible. Your mom has tolerated a lot more than I would have, and I have a feeling your dad is feeling his mortality, after all, they ain’t married, they have no dependents, she can leave any time. Like if he has a heart attack or stroke and needs her help to recover. If I were her, I’d require some serious grovelling before I even considered it, but then if I were your mom I would have left already. I’m not going to sit and pay the penalty for someone else’s infidelity. You can find another sucker for that.
Id call my mum and tell her that I’m sorry I have that much of a dense father and that she doesn’t need to worry, she handled the situation perfectly well and she should do whatever feels right for her – if it’s marrying him – good, if not – also good.
Your Mum is AWESOME
He’s only proposed to your mum now because he thinks now she’s “too old” and no one else will want her, that was his failsafe back up in case the 2nd kid never showed up. Now that he thinks she’s not going to leave him because of her age, NOW he “wants to spend the rest of his life” with her.
Your dad is a selfish asshole, and deserved every word you said to him. I wouldn’t be shocked if you come back within the next 6 months to update us that they have split up, because her reaction was not good, and your dad sounds like he’s vindictive so he’s likely going to try and use her public refusal as a new excuse to come up with a new line in the sand of some criteria he’s made up she has to meet before he would consider marrying her again because she “betrayed him” and needs to “prove” herself again.
Good on you for giving him an earful. Your poor mum is a saint to put up with him.
And she is NOT too old to find herself a nice man either. She doesn’t have to be stuck with him just because of 40 years.
You handled it perfectly.
So her feeling guilty and inadequate for not meeting his standards about being able to provide him with a second child in order to be worthy of his commitment and love their whole relationship boils down to yet again his feelings of her telling him no when he is finally ready and making him feel bad. No offense, but she should have never stayed with him.
Wtf is his logic tho? Having a mutual child is a BIGGER commitment than a marriage where you can divorve any time…
Omg I love your mother for her response! I’m sure it was humiliating to have to beg for decades to get a proposal or to have to explain to anyone that your baby daddy won’t marry you until you pop out a second one to prove you are trustworthy. Humiliated?! O well, He deserved it, Your dad sucks (sorry).
Updateme
Nah man. Sometimes we need to hear the hardest truth from the ones we love and trust the most for it to stick. He really needed to hear it from you.
I will say this, when it comes to later in life and medical decisions and inheritances, it will be much easier on both of them if they are married.
Your dad humiliated your mom for years with his arbitrary goals – seems fair that she considers carefully if that is what she even wants anymore
Mom handled it the best way. Dad set stupid conditions on getting married and mom doesn’t need to marry him now.
I mean, he’s been humiliating her for years. FAFO
Are you sure that your dad didn’t secretly get a vasectomy to avoid getting married? And I’d be asking about your father’s health. I’ve heard of many stories of men avoiding getting married until they come down with an illness that requires home healthcare.
Yas, clock his shit gaga lynn
I’m sorry but if your grandparents decided not to change their underwear because the sports team they supported won and they would only change when they lost, would your father have done the same?
It might sound ridiculous but so does your father’s absurb requirement too.
Good on your mom
As though he hadn’t humiliated her, when marriage was obviously important to her, by being so beholden to a set of rules that has nothing to do with her and making her carry on married life as an unmarried woman for FORTY YEARS.
He humiliated your mom for years by making her wait. Good for you for giving him so humble pie.
He realized he will need her to take care of him when he’s old. I hope she walks. And it’s crazy that he’s complaining that he was humiliated, when he insulted and humiliated her for 40 years. Complete lack of self-awareness.
Honestly, I think your Dad really needed to be humiliated around the family. He’s been humiliating your Mom for 40 years! He also needed to hear it from you.
I’d love an update!
Oh my god?? There are so much replies lol I posted this before going to the movies and I just got to see how many of you replying haha
Thank you all for supporting my mom! I’ll reply to some comments when I’m home.
It’s funny that he wants to spend the rest of his life with your mom when he’s ALREADY spent his life with her 😂
Your father is delusional af. WTF
Mom waited her entire life and did everything your dad wanted just for… This.
Your dad prioritized his ridiculous goals instead of the “love of his life” That speaks how he didn’t give a shit about your mom’s feelings. He only lived for his imposible standards.
I feel so sorry for your mom bro
Good grief. Your mother is a saint. That is all.
Yell your mom to get married asap.
She needs that protection legally.
That’s crazy and a heck of a story.
He needed to hear it.
funny how he said she humiliated him on that one occasion, meanwhile he humiliated her the whole time they were together by not marrying her, making her feel unworthy and others suspicious of her character as your dad cant seem to marry her.
Idk man, I thought you lost your parents in an accident according to your previous post, or my English is not as good as I thought 🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️
What kind of therapy was suggested to your dad over the years that he turned down u/TonightLost5721?
u/burbnbougie
OP I enjoyed your reading your dad to filth. The library is in session
what your dad did is called “moving the goalposts.” and now he’s upset that the football game ended without him, even though he’s the one who made the game impossible to play. straight men, amirite? 😂 /s
Tl; didn’tr
Kudos to OP for calling him out. More people should call out father toxicity
Also think of how different money could’ve been handled differently officially if they’d gotten married? What an additional harm.
Seriously, what a self important manipulative shit. If you have trauma, deal with it. Don’t make people troop through years with you and be narrow minded that kids have to come ‘from him’. Men are such selfish children. They always use women for unpaid emotional and physical labor.
Well. His whole life is about himself and never about his partner.
Do you want your mom to leave your dad?
Sounds like you do
I’m so mad for your Mom! He took her granted all these years. He probably doesn’t realize how good he had it. Another woman would have left him. He could have just asked for paternity tests.
I’m probably the same age group as your Mom. Being someone’s girlfriend permanently was not common back then. It was even looked down on. Your poor mother is a saint! Your Dad would not have had that experience. He didn’t honor your mother.
I hope she doesn’t marry him. Let him learn what it’s like to wait.
Updateme
Your mom is a boss.
This whole family needs therapy