In college I met a girl who made me feel things I’d never felt. Suddenly, I was alive and finally getting to experience the beauty and joy in life that I had never known before. I saw the world through a new lens. I am fully convinced that shit rewired my brain.
Then, she cheated on me. Our school closed down when Covid hit and we both had to go home to different states. I thought about her nonstop, missed her so bad it hurt, held onto hope the shutdown would end soon so I could see her again. While I was busy missing her she was fucking her ex boyfriend. When I finally saw her again something felt off. She confessed to me what happened- saying she was sorry, and she thought maybe we would never see each other again, that’s why she did it.
My heart was shattered. I thought I had been through some difficult shit before but this taught me I hadn’t. Not like this, not even close. Nothing had ever felt this painful. I cut her out of my life and tried to keep on living somehow. But everything was hollow and empty.
Despite the heartbreak and the anger, I missed her. I hated what she did and I hated that I still couldn’t stop thinking about her anyway. Slowly she crept back into my life. I didn’t have to deprive myself of her entirely, right? Why force myself to suffer and miss her so intensely, when she was apologetic and knocking at my door?
It was a cautious friendship on my end at first. I knew it wouldn’t be smart to date her. But spending time with her felt good. The anger and pain slowly got replaced by laughter, good times, happy memories again. Us hanging out and getting along.
Friends turned into friends with benefits, and pretty soon, she was at my place all the time again. I still maintained that we weren’t “dating”, but we decided not to have sex with anyone else but each other. My friends gave me endless shit for hooking up with the girl who I swore up and down I’d never talk to again.
Denying the label became pointless after a while. She was my girlfriend, a huge part of my life. We became more intertwined and I ended up supporting her financially to help her through school.
No one in my circle approved. My brothers told me I should drop her. Friends told me I was being taken advantage of. Even co-workers said they didn’t like how she spoke to me after overhearing a conversation. I thought everyone was too biased against her from her actions in the past. My friends warned me the guy she cheated on me with (her ex) still liked all her pics on instagram (I don’t use social media so I didn’t see this myself)
After a bad argument where she called me too controlling, for not wanting her to be in contact with her ex, I felt lost and hopeless and confused and turned to Reddit of all places for help. I could see what strangers thought who didn’t already have a sour taste for her. It was very eye opening.
Hundreds and hundreds of comments calling me a simp, a fool, a human ATM. I was being used, wasn’t it obvious? What kind of girlfriend takes all your money and insists she should still be allowed to talk to the guy she cheated on you with? I felt like my only choice, to preserve whatever dignity and self-respect I had left, was to end it. So I did.
She hated me for breaking up with her. I felt overwhelmed with grief and regret but told myself this pain was necessary. It was the right choice and everyone else but me could see that. I had to go through this pain. It was for the best.
That brings me to today. It’s not a fresh breakup anymore (I knew that part would be painful). Im supposed to be at the part now where it’s a decision I made peace with. It’s been months, and guess what? I fucking miss her and wish I could take it back. I miss her with every fiber of my being.
What was the point of breaking free from a toxic relationship if I’m not any happier? It hasn’t gotten easier. Nothing is better. Day after day, night after night I think about her and wish I never ended things. Maybe I want to be with her more than I want to have self respect. Nothing feels worth this kind of loss. My life is emptier now and I did that.
Comments
Gotta get some more options in your life. Rejection breeds obsession…and that is also true if you are the one doing the dumping. I don’t fault you for turning her into a Friends with benefits. I DO fault you for trying to get into a relationship again with her. She cheated on you and you rewarded her for cheating. Relationship talk is OVER. FWB only or nothing at all. And yes, you are at fault for financially supporting her. You see how she reacted when you asked her to stop talking to her ex. A girl who really respects you, isn’t going to be upset about that. But deep down, you know she doesn’t respect you because she cheated.
You have to have enough self-respect to walk completely away from this now. Focus on yourself and your healing. Be the best man you can be. Another woman who knocks your socks off will come into your life at the right time…but you gotta be prepared for it.
I think maybe being with here did some lasting damage to your mental health, I’d talk to a professional cause in the end I think you did the best thing for yourself