CW// mention of non-consensual touch, substance use, and possible addiction.
I feel really sick to my stomach thinking about it, so I guess that’s a good thing.
At a group sleepover (20F), we all got high and drunk in the same night, which honestly should’ve been reason enough for me to stop. Especially as the group’s hard-weight while my friends are more light-weights. Before we went to bed, I laid down on a friend’s (20F) leg and asked them to play with my hair. Their hands began to get more aggressive and my hand reflex squeezed their thigh, the pressure only increased so with my delusion, I assumed they liked it. That plus asking them if they felt comfortable and the one of the responses back being a wink, I thought I was in the clear. In fact, I assumed I was encouraged.
So not long after, I let my hand wander to their upper thigh, their stomach, and their chest, all while people were trying to sleep around us too. After touching/brushing those areas, I couldn’t get another answer if they were comfortable or not and if I could continue touching there; so I stopped but they stopped being comfortable quite a while prior.
*They messaged me last night and I don’t think they weren’t into it at all. I doubt a single part of it. I went on for so long. Though some responses might’ve been misleading in my eyes, I could never get a flat out yes from them and now I know exactly why. I shouldn’t have touched them without a flat out yes, but I was too caught up in my own emotions to care about that. I was selfish and didn’t fully consider if they weren’t into it the way I was. Dumb note, but I’m also a virgin, the most virgin in the group, so maybe I was just that desperate or clueless to stoop that low for any action.
I feel so disgusted with myself to have made them uncomfortable. Honestly, I’m wondering if I’m having a sex/masturbation and weed addiction that’s feeding into all this, and I accidentally took it out on them? I had to apologize while a bit high (**got high not expecting the message a few hours later) and I’m worried I sounded fake as hell because of it. Sometimes the only motivation I have day to day are those two things. It’s not an excuse but it might be a reason and I feel gross knowing that. I feel gross even wanting to get off after this.
They’re in my main friend group I’ve had since High School. I don’t know why I decided to risk this, I just wish I never did. Especially as someone who’s also been uncomfortable being touched by somebody. Yes is yes, no is anything else.
Edit:
Thank you for the genuine replies, just wanted to confirm that I’ve already apologized to this friend.
In the morning, I asked maybe once or twice if I made them uncomfortable and they said no, but that was to brush it off. After they left, I messaged them and asked if they were uncomfortable and I’d never do it again if they were, and they said they didn’t care too much of it and it’s a one time thing we can sweep under the rug. A few nights pass until they confronted me last night. That they never gave explicit consent for me to start nor continue, how close my hands got, and the nerve I had doing this in front of our friends. I sent quite a few messages apologizing back, absolutely on their side, and that I feel remorseful. It’s currently left on delivered. I just hope they don’t feel unsafe around me, though it’s very fair if they do.
Edits:
*added another line for clarification that me and my friend have already addressed this.
**clarification that I didn’t get high to apologize to them! i immediately stopped puffing once they opened the convo and I didn’t continue smoking until hours after the conversation was over. I wanted to be as sober as I could be for the conversation.
+note: other times I asked them for their comfortability, it was often left unanswered, instead stating how intoxicated they were. I should’ve stopped there. I only let my hands roam further than the outer leg after the wink as that was my most clear answer, which still isn’t a full yes. + I asked about the wink afterwards, they said they couldn’t remember answering like that.
Comments
Don’t beat yourself up over it too much. Did you guys make amends and clear the air? Make sure they understand how sorry you feel and ensure them that it won’t happen again. Yes, being under the influence was a factor but not an excuse. You seem genuinely concerned about it so I think it’s safe to say they should understand also considering you guys have been friends since high school.
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Just talk to her about it.
I think you should have a conversation with this person sober. Apologize sincerely, ask if there’s anything you can do to rebuild their trust/sense of safety, respect those boundaries and move on. If you cannot bring yourself to have a sober conversation with this person, you may want to re-evaluate your relationship with weed.
It seems like you have a genuine sense of regret, have a solid grasp on what actual consent means, and have an understanding of what you need to do to avoid situations like this in the future.
I also want to mention something—and I say this as a person with a history of being sexually abused, who sometimes has frozen up or gone along to get along in sexual situations where I didn’t feel comfortable but was also not physically unsafe, and could have withdrawn consent. Communication needs to be two ways. Of course you could have done a better job of interpreting your friend’s responses to your advances. Yes is yes, no is anything else, especially if your friend was too drunk to make herself understood. But going forward—it might be useful to think of enthusiastic reciprocal consent as a prerequisite to your continued interest. Your attention is worth more than someone who just tolerates it in the moment. There are people out there who will want your touch enthusiastically and vocally.
I think you’re lonely, and you need to put yourself out there, intentionally, with women who are willing to openly consent and reciprocate. Are there lesbian bars/gay bars with WLW nights in your area? Is there a queer party scene? I’ll be honest, this isn’t an abnormal experience for young queer people—already having such a limited dating pool, wanting it so badly and already having so much shame. I don’t think persistent and punitive self-disgust does anything to repair your friend’s sense of safety. I don’t think it makes anyone else safer. I think you’re capable of making informed choices in the future, and that people don’t need to be kept safe from you, so to speak. This doesn’t make you a predator. Treating yourself as a sexual predator or pariah doesn’t help anyone heal or move on. I’m sure you understand that she doesn’t have to accept your apology—but you have to accept your own. You have to believe that when you apologize, you’re genuinely remorseful and committed to paying more attention in the future. You fucked up. Being accountable means owning it and moving forward differently. You don’t have to throw the whole person out. Best of luck.
I was the victim of the otherside of this, for a second I thought the person who did this to me wrote this post but the details are a bit different. It’s true, silence doesn’t equal consent. Maybe with the wink they were ok with one thing but once you did something else without asking you crossed the line. I would talk to them and apologize about misreading the situation.
And please don’t say anything like “don’t act like you didn’t like it” because that’s what was said to me when this happened to me.
Genuinely as a victim of similar circumstances (except my perpetrator took things much further, and followed me around after i had escaped to shower and did it a second time after I was done) I think you should apologize for what you did. Your friend might need some space you should respect that if they do. I would try to communicate with them and apologize for crossing boundaries and misreading the situation and see how deeply it affected them.
If it was a big deal she could have pushed your hand away at any time. Maybe she wasn’t sure if she would be into it, and eventually decided it wasn’t for her. Or maybe she would have been into it if other people weren’t around. You can’t know what was actually going on in her head unless you talk about it with her.
You seem to have made a mistake, but I don’t think you did anything wrong.
Oof, that sucks! It sounds like you got your wires crossed, so to speak, and made a misstep. That doesn’t make you a bad person. The fact that it makes you feel sick to think of it shows that. Sometimes we do things we shouldn’t and it’s more out of clumsiness than knowingly doing something bad. It still feels bad though, and no doubt leaves you feeling like a creep.
What’s good is that you owned it. You don’t deny that you made a mistake and it will change your behavior in the future. I know this may feel haunting right now, but please don’t let this fester into self hate.
We all misread situations on occasion. You have apologized, they can choose to accept or not. Move on as if it’s over would be my advice!
Did you just say weed and masturbation addiction? GTFO. God I hate some of the shit your generation says.
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What does
CECW here stands for?I’m glad you had stopped when you realized something was wrong, you made a mistake and it’s bound to happen. Even if nobody talks about it, almost everyone who has drank or smoked more than they should have had done something they wish they wouldn’t have. Nobody was in their right mind atm when the situation occurred, and I think that once you let her know what your intentions were (stop when you realized you went to far) that you may have a chance at going back to normal. To fix the previous situation/conversation, I would recommend letting her know that you’ve been struggling with smoking and that when you had initially apologized you felt so guilty about the situation that you felt like you had to smoke to cope, and that it led to a conversation that you weren’t fully comprehending or ready to have. At least this is how I’m interpreting what you’re feeling from what you posted. Also I would maybe cut the weed until you feel better about what’s bothering you emotionally, hopefully though therapy. With substance use, people who drink or smoke a lot usually have feelings or thoughts they’re trying to suppress, and smoking may not be an issue for you as it is now down the road if you get the help you need. Hope this helps!
even the wording in the title is gross and avoids accountability..
Let me say that I am very proud of you for acknowledging the wrong you did and I believe you are very sorry for what happened. Your young we have all said and done things and made plenty of mistakes in life that we aren’t so proud of or that we still have trouble with a wrong decision. Sometimes in life you gotta let go and let God. Meaning you can’t let this eat at you. Don’t constantly put your self down or think you a bad person. Because reading your post and the sorrow you had and still have shows your not some monster. You have to know sometimes no matter what you do or how hard you try somethings just stay broken. And I am sure you want to repair the damage you done and make it all better and make her feel comfortable around you again. But this is not and will not be a situation where to get a do over. And that’s understandable so all you can do is adjust to how it is now like keep a distance so they are ok and not tense around you. Don’t ever be just you two alone, maybe let them know if at any time when you are hanging out if something comes up and they get uneasy around you to let you know what happen and how it did so you can be more mindful of the situation that caused it. Let them know if try want to vent, yell or ask you questions at any point you are always open to that. And make sure that you mean everything and are going to follow through with it. Then know and see you have done everything that you possibly could do to help her as well as yourself work through everything. And be ok with it still never being fixed. You can’t not sit and beat your self up, live a life filled with so much guilt it suffocates the person you are because maybe you are where you are meant to be on your path. Going through this experience you learned a ton about your self and how people can impact other people lives and not even be aware the damage it causes to them. Maybe you could help others in some way. Sadness and depression can lead down dark hopeless life ending tunnels that have no way out. So please see the good in you and the value you have and live in the light. Keep shining and know your life golden!
Talk to her
This doesn’t sound like a crazy big deal, actually sounds like she was into it/not stoping it in the moment, and after the fact they thought about it and regretted it.
Real life isn’t Black and White, Yes and No’s. Of course that all changes with a yes or no, but there’s been plenty of times I’ve been in the moment with someone and they just made a move or I made a move and we just went with the flow, no one was stopping for a Yes or No, although that can be reassuring.
I’ve had almost the exact same thing happen to me, except I was on the recieving end and I’m still friends with the person.
We also got high, watched a movie with friends. He started touching my hip and thigh during the movie and I was half asleep and so high that I was wondering if it was happening in real life or not. I didn’t move and for a while he thought I liked it, but stopped after a while because he wasn’t sure.
I sent him a message a few days later and let him know I wasn’t able to react the way that I wanted and tell him no. Ngl, it took some time and rebuilding the trust, but we are still friends to this day.
You sound like a person with the right morals, you just didn’t act accordingly this one time. You’ll be fine, I’m sure.
I’m a bit confused reading this – maybe because I’m a bit older. Someone has to be bold and make moves otherwise we’d all be lonely virgins. If the other person doesn’t like it they need to tell you clearly – just roll over, face away and get your head off her lap should do it. She has countless ways to make it clear and she didn’t. Stop apologizing and move on – pat yourself on the back for actually trying to make things happen.
Did I miss something about this? You’re two girls high at a slumber party – she was hardly in a vulnerable position too terrified to say no.
Well I smoke weed too and this happened to me before too.. And I get really horny when I smoke so I just sometimes randomly touch people… Like my friends but they don’t really care tho… Bcoz I don’t really touch them in a sexual way… Well I only once touched my boy bestie’s back, like in a horny sexual way… Well that’s bcoz I liked him and he didn’t like me back so he got weirded out and told me not to touch him so I just kinda laughed about it….
But this one time me and him were high together, but my sis and my other friend were in the room too so… My boy bestie told them to go clean the kichen, so they went and we were alone… And once they were gone he looked at me in this seductive way like… I wanna f*ck you and well we done stuff and I didn’t want him to stop… And I am a virgin too so it was my first time getting touched by a guy… And he was horny too… So you were probably just horny and couldn’t help it.
My opinion is that no means no, but silence means consent. I don’t know, I’ve never been to anyone who kept saying “Yes, yes, I’m comfortable. Keep Doing it. I totally consent.”
Maybe this is unnecessary to add at this point, but consent for one thing is not consent for all and you should practice asking at every “escalation”.
I go to cuddle parties all the time and consent is a big deal in those spaces. Ask to cuddle, ask to touch/pet, ask if you move your hand closer to or on any more intimate areas. And you always need a clear yes, and when in doubt, pull back.
I know when you’re young it’s all very exciting and there’s sometimes this feeling of “this is my only opportunity to be in this space with someone”, but that’s never true and it’s always better to not push.
Also apologizing is great, but also try to be extra respectful around them next time you see them. Make sure that their consent is very important to you and show that to them.
Things like this are trauma. And trauma comes in many sizes and forms, but basically this person experienced a situation where their consent was not respected and their boundaries were breached and that’s a big deal no matter what.
Hey OP,
It sounds like you have taken the steps to address the situation, and give it time, and I hope things clear up between you two. You said that you might have a sex/ masturbation, and weed addiction. So masturbation addiction is behavioural while weed is substance. And yes, it is possible for a person to have a problematic relationship with weed and/ or masturbation.
To find out, think about this:
for masturbation, how often do you do it? Hypothetically, let’s say you masturbate more than once a day, can you stop this behaviour for a 24 hour period? If you can, the next time you can try aim for 48 hours. If you cannot, then try the same another time. No pressure.
same for weed. Glad that you’re wondering about your relationship with it.
Let’s say I take 80 grams edible a night to go to bed, what happens if I don’t have any? I twist and turn and can’t sleep. This is a true story. I had my dream vacation in Japan in 2023, but I was so anxious because I miss weed. It took me about 7 days like half the trip to get used to not able to smoke one. So….. I am planning my next vacation to Thailand coz I can smoke there. Not that I am encouraging you to prolong to engage in cannabis use, I have bipolar, and cannabis is a part of my maintenance.
Take care. You are young. And no matter how old, how young, how mature or immature a person is, one is bound to make mistakes. You made one. You are addressing it. You’ve learned a lesson. You are okay.
Here comes the 13th stepper
Im sorry but maybe you should stop smoking so much just my thoughts because that’s how things get so messed up with a mind altered state.
Okay. Now let me align you properly. First of all. You are apologizing too much to the point that you’re making your friend overthink things. It is the end of the matter do no engage more. You just sexually harrased someone. And then proved your guilt by admitting over text. If she wants she has you by the balls. If someone sues you’re screwed. The best you can do is. Go back to doing normal things with your friend group the more you poke it. The uglier it’s gonna get. Get off the weed it’s messing your brain and making you more anxious.
They said they were ok with it multiple times then they confronted you and were disgusted after? Are yall teenagers?
Okay so you got LGBT tendencies… That’s fine. Your ok. I would stop talking to them and block them.