I (19F) come from an Indian abusive family. They are toxic, especially my father, and I feel like they’ve ruined me for life. I have so many issues and I am so so insecure about EVERYTHING. I feel like I don’t deserve a nice, decent guy. I feel like I’ll just bring him down with me. He deserves good in-laws as much as I do. But all he’s gonna get is a bunch of sociopathic, judgy people and a girlfriend with a THOUSAND ISSUES. I am scared of sex and intimacy. I am scared what if he later on realises that he’s the one that had to ‘settle’ for someone like me. I am scared I will not be able to maintain good relations with his family, given I hate most people in my family. All I have learnt and seen is selfishness. Though I am good at adjusting with people but you know, these ‘adjustments’ can’t go on for life, right? What if I am unable to adjust with my in-laws? How will the marriage work then? I wouldn’t want my husband to have to chose between me and his family.
On one hand, I feel like I won’t make a good wife, mother and daughter-in-law. On the other hand, I am also scared about what if the universe gives me a bad guy? What if he hits me or cheat on me? I have trust issues too which is why I will never agree for long distance relationships.
I have lost so much due to my issues. So much. Even let a guy I really loved go without confessing to him. I tell people I don’t ever want to get married and life’s better without all the drama, etc. But the truth is, I want all that. A happy marriage. A nice guy. Beautiful and healthy children. Everything! I even wanna take care of his parents, his family like my own. But my mind is full of what ifs!
All this means that I am not ready for a relationship. And I don’t think, I ever will be.
Tl;dr : I have indian abusive family and a father that hits my mother. They gave me major issues for life and hence, I will be forever single.