I (19F) come from an Indian abusive family. They are toxic, especially my father, and I feel like they’ve ruined me for life. I have so many issues and I am so so insecure about EVERYTHING. I feel like I don’t deserve a nice, decent guy. I feel like I’ll just bring him down with me. He deserves good in-laws as much as I do. But all he’s gonna get is a bunch of sociopathic, judgy people and a girlfriend with a THOUSAND ISSUES. I am scared of sex and intimacy. I am scared what if he later on realises that he’s the one that had to ‘settle’ for someone like me. I am scared I will not be able to maintain good relations with his family, given I hate most people in my family. All I have learnt and seen is selfishness. Though I am good at adjusting with people but you know, these ‘adjustments’ can’t go on for life, right? What if I am unable to adjust with my in-laws? How will the marriage work then? I wouldn’t want my husband to have to chose between me and his family.
On one hand, I feel like I won’t make a good wife, mother and daughter-in-law. On the other hand, I am also scared about what if the universe gives me a bad guy? What if he hits me or cheat on me? I have trust issues too which is why I will never agree for long distance relationships.
I have lost so much due to my issues. So much. Even let a guy I really loved go without confessing to him. I tell people I don’t ever want to get married and life’s better without all the drama, etc. But the truth is, I want all that. A happy marriage. A nice guy. Beautiful and healthy children. Everything! I even wanna take care of his parents, his family like my own. But my mind is full of what ifs!
All this means that I am not ready for a relationship. And I don’t think, I ever will be.
Tl;dr : I have indian abusive family and a father that hits my mother. They gave me major issues for life and hence, I will be forever single.
Comments
You should work the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous… they helped me with similar problems, that’s why I drank all the time
write your insecurities down. read and re-read them, accept them.
get out of the environment that makes you sick, no person heals in the same place that they got hurt.
seem professional help, start therapy.
embrace love, embrace life, and embrace life as it is, full of flaws and difficulties, just like you and me.
you are much stronger than you think you are, you just need to accept it within yourself. yoga has also really helped me. i genuinely hope this helps.
I get you, my parents force me to do a lot of stuff like working in their restaurant and babysitting my siblings while they’re working. They often come home around 21:30 and I need to get up at six the next day. If I have tests they don’t let me stay home and study because I need to help them. My mom is always fat shaming me. I feel insecure and I’m scared to be in a relationship. I always tell my friends that I don’t want to be in a relationship because I like to be alone. The truth is that I don’t think someone is ever going to love me. I’m also scared like you that they will cheat or are abusive. I already made my decision that I’m never gonna be in a relationship. Maybe you’re different than me. I don’t like nor want kids. If your parents are abusive and controlling maybe you should cut them off. It’s best if you start being friends with the guy you like. Get to know each other, doing stuff you both like. I hope that you have a healthy relationship 🙂
(I don’t know if my advice helps and this is my first time commenting so I’m sorry if I said something wrong)
Edit: I’m Chinese so I know how Asian parents are
You’re 19!!! You have like 15 years till you need to worry about any of that. Slow down. Grow up a bit. Heal into a healthy adult before you jump in.
No rush.
Do you have a good counselor? That will be so important for you as you learn to set boundaries for yourself as an adult. I also recommend starting with the books “Boundaries: When to say yes How to say no” and “Co Dependent No More”.
Make yourself a priority and you’ll be able to find what you’re looking for! I wish you the best! 🥰
I’m srilankan and have the same problem. The older I got the more I understood if you want someone or something you have to go get it. If you’re insecure you can over come that by believing in yourself. If your head is full of what ifs try to change it. I used to think “what if I’m not good at my job” I changed that by working harder and made sure I was the best at my job. People come to me for help at my workplace.
For short just believe in yourself
When you lie to someone YOU become the abuser. By controlling them with falsehood.
A good partner loves and accepts you as you are and is supportive of you working to be the person you want to be. Don’t settle just to leave one less than ideal situation for another.
someone special will love and respect you, will you love and respect you?
If you love and respect yourself, then you will only accept being loved and respected by your lover.
Do not bend on your self worth and love for oneself.
Does not seem like all you know is to be selfish, when you are seemingly sparing someone from what you perceive as a chaotic life that can harm them.
I’ll say this. I’ve been a hot mess in ways you couldn’t believe. Messed up family, messed up situations, a lot of messed up stuff.
And still found love and people who accepted me, and families who I liked more than my own. And I was healthier especially because I was around healthy people who gave me a sense of normalcy that my upbringing couldn’t.
I hope you give yourself a shot in love some day, you deserve as much. And you can unlearn even the bad that your family taught you, its possible, and as tedious as it can be, its so freeing fam to do the inner work, truly. Opens you up to worlds of potential, places your family can never reach you, and more. Don’t seal yourself away from love or hope, please don’t, it’ll isolate you and make you stay stuck thinking there’s nothing more for you but your family to rely on for any type of affection or bond and that’s not true. Amen.
Seek therapy for you. Just bc they r family doesn’t mean we have to keep in touch or be around them ..anyone toxic stay away..do u ..we get one life to try to be happy. Heal urself first work on you and ur issues..not fair to bring a person into a unhealthy life…good luck.
I wish I could give you a hug. I was a very insecure young woman from having neglectful parents that put me in dangerous situations. I’m 38 now and finally feel like I started learning about myself and healing from all the trauma. Therapy helped a bit but I did a lot of research on my own to understand why I was the way I was! I felt like I didn’t deserve happiness. I felt like I could never be with someone and be a good partner. I was scared to be abandoned by a partner.
I started reading a lot of books on emotionally immature parents and codependency (which I realized I had) and some other things. I joined some groups online that helped a lot too. Just a few years ago I also stopped talking to my mother.
You’re young and have time to heal. You can feel better and leave the negativity behind. You deserve love and success and happiness. Don’t ever forget that.
I’m sorry to hear about this. Your Yung still full of life. Don’t worry about what they think about you. Your a different person then them you make your own decisions. Find someone and get out. It doesn’t matter your life is important you need to live it. I don’t have family to worry about I don’t care about what they do. I have my own problems lol. Like bills and food. Extra trouble isn’t worth it. You will find someone in time. Just don’t say anything to them. Then get out
Therapy works start now.
I had /have a lot of issues from growing up under the shroud of my mother’s mental illness. I’m in my 50s now. Believe me when I say – you can and will have a healthy happy life. You have to work on it but you can do it. You are self aware. This is the groundwork for which everything else will grow. Read books about being an outlier in your family. Read books about self compassion. Try to get into therapy.
I think right now you are thinking in binary terms – that People are either damaged or perfect. Every family has their issues. You are definitely not alone in having a fucked up family situation.
But mainly I wanted to let you know that I’ve had a wonderful experience w a kind husband and 2 kids. My mother in law was a wonderful person and she acted like a mother to me.
Please go easy on yourself. Get the support you need. You’re going to have a beautiful life.
Hi! I am 30/F. Been through the same things in my teens, felt and survived the same things as you mentioned. I finally could afford therapy in the last couple of years. Feel free to DM me. I’ll be happy to share my journey and the things I learned in my therapy.
These are all codependency issues. You are worthy. I don’t blame this girl. Parents, this is the result you get when you punish your kids for telling the truth.
Focus on your career, not a relationship. You can only rely on yourself and your worth shouldn’t depend on a man – not your father or future husband.