I lie to people I meet about having friends, when in reality I use podcasts to fill the silence and I dwell on all these old situations

So I was really close with my sister. She can’t hang out anymore bc she’s busy with school. I had a bunch of close friends but it’s like they stopped being reciprocal so I haven’t spoke to them in years. I legit use podcasts or YouTube to fill the void bc this past year it’s sucked. I went on a date with a guy (first date ever) and he was talking about exes and his friends etc. Asked what I do. And I full on lied about having friends. He could tell too because I clearly acted a bit awkward.

When I meet new friends or people they also ask what I do with friends. I literally have none. One time I told the truth and people in my college stopped speaking to me and one of them said it’s kind of weird to have no friends/ to have fallen out with people. Since then I’ve stopped. I stopped dating bc I think I need friends not a bf in the first place. I think about reconnecting al the time and I just feel really vulnerable and sad. I spend most of my days alone or not speaking to others and it’s fully my fault too.