We’ve been married for nearly a decade. Two kids, steady jobs, a decent house. From the outside, we look like the ideal couple. But I did something five years ago that I’ve buried deep, and last night I finally told her.
Back then, we were in a rough patch. Our youngest had just been born, sleep was nonexistent, and we barely talked about anything except diapers and groceries. I felt invisible and stupidly looked for validation somewhere else. One of my coworkers had been venting about his own marriage and convinced me to go on a weekend trip with the guys.
There was drinking. Way too much. And one night at the hotel bar, I flirted with someone. I didn’t sleep with her, but we kissed. Just once. And I pulled away immediately. I felt like trash the second it happened.
I went home, held my newborn, and told myself I’d never breathe a word. I was convinced confessing would only bring pain and ruin something that could still be fixed. So I worked harder at being a better husband and father. I stayed loyal from that moment on. I thought I had buried it forever.
But it’s been eating at me. Not just guilt, but the fact that our marriage is so strong now and she still doesn’t know who I was during that time. So I told her last night. Everything. No excuses.
She didn’t say a word for five full minutes. Just stared at me. Then she asked why I thought telling her now would help. I had no answer that made sense.
She slept in the guest room. She’s barely spoken today. I keep playing it over in my head. Did I confess for her or just to clear my conscience? And if it was the second one, does that make me selfish?
I know people say honesty is always the best policy. But right now it feels like I just dropped a bomb into the middle of our life. I have no idea what comes next.
Comments
Oof, that’s a heavy situation. It sounds like you’ve been carrying a mountain on your shoulders for a long time. I can understand why it ate at you, secrets tend to do that. It’s brave of you to finally tell her, even if the timing feels off now. Do you think maybe she needs time to process everything before you can really talk about it?
Hey, I hear you. You’re not a monster you’re human. You made a mistake, you hid it, and now you’ve told the truth because it was eating you alive. It does feel like you did it partly for you and maybe that is selfish but it also means you trust her enough to see the real you. Give her space. Be patient. Don’t push her to make you feel better. Just be there when she’s ready to talk. One hard truth doesn’t erase years of love and loyalty but healing will take time
You have to give her some space to process as it’s like it just happened to her where for you it was years ago. You can let her know that you are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild trust or work through this together – therapy or whatever she needs. Allow her to communicate about what she is going through and accept the ownership – which it seems like you do.
Just a few days ago, your wife confessed something to you that made you never look at her the same again you said ..so did that prompt your confession to get back at her?
It was a kiss. Five years ago. Personally, I wouldn’t be upset about it. I’d be glad my husband didn’t follow through. Is she mad because you told her? Or because you waited so long to tell her?
Who ever said ‘Honesty is always the best policy’ was a lying twat.
The thing about cheating is, no matter when your partner knows, they’ll feel bad, in my opinion and keep in mind that I’m single, you didn’t cheat, you pulled away, the moment you went back home you should’ve told your wife, you didn’t, you should’ve kept it that way forever, now your wife will be having doubts and questioning your every move, your every trip and every late night work, and she has valid reasons for that, give her time for her to regroup, you broke her trust and that’ll take time to heal, if she’s open to it then try couple therapy, maybe she’ll be able to forgive you
She’s probably questioning everything (not to scare you), whether you did something else (worse), if you’re loyal in general and if you still love her. Keep on giving words of affirmation but give her space to think. It had probably scared the shit out of her and even she’s scared of what comes next. I’m sorry to say, but no one can tell what comes next except her.
I’ll give you points for being honest, but it was at your wife’s expense. You did something that made you feel better, but hurt her.
You should have kept it to yourself. Show your remorse by being able to carry that burden and by being the best husband you can be
I don’t know if I slipped into some alternate dimension, but I have never, not once ever, seen a comment section in this sub so understanding about cheating.
That being said, I’m mostly on the side of everyone here. It just…. Blows my mind a bit
You confessed because it was eating you alive. So you did it for yourself, not for her.
I don’t know what comes next either, you’ve just dropped a huge bomb onto the peaceful place no one was expecting.
I’ll be brutal… but extremely sincere.
You must first be honest with yourself…
For different but equally serious events, I’ve been there too friend… IT’S HARD!… I know.
The first thing you need to accomplish NOW! it’s being intellectually honest… and understanding that this guilt of yours that has eroded you inside… that has consumed you and distorted every happy moment, every joy… this constant pain… has now SELFISHLY led you to confess everything to her…
But…
You need to realize that you didn’t confess everything to her to be honest (if that was the real reason you would have told her years ago) but you did it EXCLUSIVELY to ease your conscience.
He simply shared your burden with her… partially placing responsibilities on her that she doesn’t deserve.
Were you destroyed? Certain!
But why destroy her who is not to blame?…
Friend… it’s hard… I know… but the reality that you need to understand and realize as soon as possible is that before only you suffered… and instead, 2 of you suffer.
Did she have a right to know? Certain! But years ago…
Now that you’re in it, try to manage the whole new situation with these awareness… It’s IMPORTANT… and respectful for her… believe me.
And above all, TREASURE all of this! It will help you make better choices in the future… even when drunk!
Greetings and a HUG from northern Italy ✊🏻🤝🏻 🫂 👋🏻
It was self serving more than it was benefiting her.
She didn’t need to know. You rather clear your guilt than protecting your wife’s feelings, all under the guise of “doing the right thing”.
So now she has to go through the emotional rollercoaster while you get to feel relieved and you dumped the hardship onto her.
I am not saying you’re a terrible person at all, but telling her was selfish
You told her to make you feel better at this point. She’s going to take it hard and hurt.
This was pretty selfish imho
Some things belong in the past only. It’s your life but always ask yourself if anything good can come out of a rehash of ancient secrets. If no then leave it in the past.
There’s worse things. If it was a woman saying this, she’d be getting lots of sympathy and brushing it off like it was years ago. The same applies to you. It should destroy your marriage and family. The good news is it is no longer a lie. The good news is you can both work together to overcome it. You both have to be uncomfortable and ride it through and resolve it. I think the majority of people would think a kiss 5 years ago should not cause a separation or divorce as that would just be crazy. Both need to agree where to go from here.
5 years ago doesnt matter. It becomes present when they learned about it.
And what’s worse with not telling the truth right a way is you didnt just ruin one day… but you ruined 5 whole years because you were lying to her. She will feel betrayed half of your relationship.
It’s not about how intense the mistake was… it is about the lying… she knew now that you are capable of lying even if it would take years…
You told her for yourself, not for her. Didn’t help did it? Stop being selfish and prove yourself through deeds not words
It might still be a good idea to see a therapist, with your wife if she will go.
Well, it honestly sounds like you want out of the marriage. You waited 5 years to tell her, after you proved you could be a better husband and father.
Is your conscious really cleared? You flirted and kissed once and then immediately pulled away. No one knew but you. That woman probably doesn’t even remember that night.
I would say you were selfish then and selfish now. Mostly because it was all fake on your side. Now you are looking for a way out.
Read the begining, no sleep only talked about diapers and groceries. So what did you do….Went on a mens weekend and left her there to deal. Good job…is that what you needed to hear.
Honestly, I think she could care less about the flirting and the kiss and really only sees the, You needed validation because you could not handle being a parent, until you almost cheated on a mens weekend. Where was her weekend. Why not take her and the baby or have the inlaws take care of the baby and you 2 go.
Yes, you are very much a selfish j–k—
What an interesting case. I had a flirt at a party 4 months in my relationship and spoke about my openess of such things with my now ex. As much as we didnt agree explicitly on something, it shouldnt have come as a surprise. I told her i kissed someone to discuss more our boundaries as she did not set hers despite me setting mine.
She got cold, treated me with silence, stonewalled, refused to give me back my things. Before doing this she went out with someone on a date, 3 days after me telling this.
On one side i dont think a kiss, open conversation and speaking openly about it deserves such treatment, on the other side she might have been hurt, had unspoken expectations…but ultimately in my case i believe this showed her immaturity and lack of empathy. I only learned about her bring with another guy after few weeks of keeping me waiting and once i confronted her saying that the only thing that would explain her behaviour is that she met someone.
I would go for couple therapy and dont let the situation rot by itself. Thoughts?
> did I her just to clear my own conscious?
Yes
> does that make me selfish?
Also yes.