Just as the title says. I lost my daughter. The most dear precious person in my life.
Last night I was really emotional. I was looking at my late daughter’s photos and I started crying. My wife was taking a bath but I didn’t want her to know or hear me so I hid in the room. We’re not okay now, and have had talks about separation. Another topic.
But as I was crying I was trying to reminisce how it was to hold her, touch her head, carry her. The way she would hold my face with her two tiny hands and say the two most wonderful words, “love you.” It didn’t feel like it was the best words back then because I know she was just copying me. But today, I would do anything just to hear her say it again.
She was my everything. My past hasn’t been the best kind and I always hated my life. When I was young I swore that I would love my future child and give him or her the best life. A life I wasn’t able to have. Eventually my past made me long for a child.
Unfortunately, life isn’t fair. My daughter lost her life at the age of two. Gone too soon. She was bubbly, happy. Always jumping. A real ball of joy to everyone she meets. She’s also sassy and she has humor! She would copy every word we say like daddy, mommy, cocomelon. Anything. But for some reason, she would only say “mamam” when we say “water” and she would laugh as if she’s proud of her little jest. She was about 1 to 2 years old then.
She was very smart. She talked on her first year. She knows the alphabet. Knows an animal from a puzzle piece. She understands a lot of things in the house. It’s almost you can leave her alone, because she knows a lot of things. She even knows not to touch an outlet or go up or down the stairs.
She’s the most wonderful thing in the world. And I love her with all my heart. Then last night, for some amazing unknown reason I had a dream. Maybe it was her reminding me or just because I was thinking about it.
The dream was long and detailed I’m sure of it. I spent minutes or maybe hours in that dream. But like most dreams go, you forget everything as soon as you wake up. It’s funny how I know the dream had more but I can remember only one tiny detail. Even that detail is incomplete. It was when my daughter spoke to me.
All I remember was kissing her all over her face. And I said “I love you so much”, it’s something that I would always tell her because it’s true, I do love her so much. And I can still remember her saying “I love you” back to me. But the sentence was longer. Maybe followed by daddy? Don’t worry? I miss you. I really can’t remember. But somehow I know it’s not daddy or I missed you. I remember it was a short sentence.
But what matters is that I was able to hear her say “I love you” to me again. It’s only a dream and I still miss her completely. But it’s a comfort.
I love you so much my daughter. See you soon.
Comments
Oh I am so sorry. That is so cruel and unfair you lost your little baby girl 🙁
Damn man I know me saying sorry won’t make you feel any better . But I am so sorry . I have lost my brother and both my parents . I can’t imagine losing my child. Therapy really helped me get threw the emotions and gave me some skills to cope with the loss . Maybe see if your work benifits would cover the cost of a therapist . It’s worth a try .
I can’t imagine the grief you must be feeling. I know it must be really hard to deal with and i’m sorry that you have to experience something so difficult. I hope that with time your days will become easier and be filled with light and love.
I have a daughter too, just over two years old. And the description of your child is very similar to mine. Everything you wrote resonates with me and your story made me cry. If something were to – God forbid – happen to my baby – I would need to be committed to a mental institution for quite some time.
My heart really aches for you and I send you a virtual hug. Though I know, beyond perhaps for a moment, all the support, kind words, and commiserations, doesn’t take away the hurt.
Nothing much I can say other than seek help and support where you can get it. It’s too soon to give up entirely. Her memory can only go on living through the people she loved and touched.
And, I’m sure I don’t need to tell you this, but your wife is suffering too and whatever the problems the two of you are having with each other, you are also the only people who can really and truly understand what the other is going through. You don’t have to stay together but you should still support one another at this most difficult time.
I can’t imagine saying anything to you that hasn’t been said before. My heart breaks for you. You are suffering the worst possible pain any human can experience. She can live on through you. Through your thoughts and actions. Through your love and laugh.
I am so sorry. Truly. I know sending you love across this internet might not be a lot but it’s what I can do.