I’ve never shared this with anyone before, but I feel like I need to get it off my chest.
When I was 18 (4 years ago), I went to a party in my city. The first few hours were a lot of fun, but after that, I woke up the next morning with no memory of the rest of the night. My phone was full of messages from my friends asking if I was okay. Apparently, they lost track of me at the party, and when they went looking for me, they found out I was in a bathroom with a 24-year-old guy.
They alerted security, and when they opened the door, they found us both half naked. My friends thought we might’ve been touching each other, but nothing more. My friends said the guy looked sober, but I was in a really bad state—I could barely stand.
The next day, I started bleeding, which I thought was strange since I had my period only two weeks earlier. Then I got a text from the guy, saying he had an “amazing night.” I had no idea how he even got my number, but I asked him what happened. He confirmed that we had sex, and when I asked about the condom, he told me we didn’t use one.
I’ve never really known how to feel about that night. I feel stupid for drinking so much that I blacked out and forgot the entire evening. But at the same time, I feel uncomfortable that a 24-year-old would sleep with an 18-year-old who was visibly really drunk.
I’ve never told anyone about this, not even my friends. They know that something happened between us, but I’ve never told them that I lost my virginity that night. And I’m still not sure how to feel about it all. Sometimes I wonder if it was a form of sexual assault. But then it would be strange that he texted me the next day. If he hadn’t texted me, I would never have even known who he was.
I don’t know what to think about all of this, it is hard to believe that it even happened because I remember nothing of it. But it’s been eating at me for years, so I just needed to share it with someone.
Comments
Drink Responsibly people.
I’m really sorry that this has been eating at you. It sounds like such an uncertain and confusing kind of thing. I can see how it’s been stuck in your mind for years.
FWIW, I think our society places a lot of emphasis on “your first time” or “losing your virginity” – like it has to be done in the right way, just how you want, with just who you want – or else you’re a bad person, and an even worse woman. And I’ve always found that so weird, when you think about it.
Humans are a pretty messy, incoherent and sub-optimal species. 90% of what we do is improvised, random and sub-optimal (well, maybe 80% but you get the idea.) Why would sex be any different?
And why is the first time so important? Like, reading is important – but the first book your read doesn’t have to be the perfect book. Exercising is important, but your first workout doesn’t have to be this special, magical thing. It sounds like your first-time was kind of regrettable and embarrassing, which is a shame – but it kinda makes sense that it would be because you’re young and doing it for the first time.
I hope as time goes by that this becomes less a memory that eats at you, and more of something you can kind of chuckle about – despite it’s ambiguities.
Did you really drink that much? Or was one of your drinks drugged? Either way, your ability to consent was not present so it was definitely SA. If you can, consider therapy.
The way I see it is you didn’t lose your virginity to him. Rape is not sex and what he did was rape.
This is where the lines get blurred bc it’s hard to know how drunk they were, maybe they were just drunk enough to not realize how drunk you were. I did something similar and only one moment flashes in my head where i was helping find a place that we could do it so i was technically giving consent i guess? So i think that can play into factor as well. The other guy was pretty sober i think? and when i realized what happened a bit later i started hysterically crying. Anyways I know how you feel and it feels so violating. Because it’s not something you or I would have done if we weren’t blacked out. I think that was a turning point for me though, and i stopped blacking out all the time. I suggest you do the same. Pace yourself and don’t feel pressured to take another shot or have another drink just bc others are. As women we become vulnerable and men that don’t care are everywhere
I lost my virginity this way too, to a stranger while drunk at a college party. I felt horrible the next day. Ik it’s so frustrating. I’m way more careful with the people I choose to get drunk around now. You shouldn’t feel bad about this. Sending you some mental support.
As a man, now much older at age 59, I just hate that that guy did that to you. I know that I wasn’t there so only know what you’ve typed.
I suggest for your consideration that you stop beating yourself up for what happened. None of us are perfect, and as such, not every decision we make is the right one. I’m not blaming you for what happened.
It makes sense that you’ve been deeply hurt by it. He violated your trust too.
He certainly could have slipped you a drug into one of your drinks.
I believe as someone else suggested, that you consider seeing a female therapist with whom to talk about the situation and how you feel.
Not only is it possible that he sexually assaulted you, he may have also indirectly damaged your future ability to trust a man.
That would be understandable at least in the short term.
Please consider for future that not all men are like that. If he was 24 at the time, he likely knew better and took advantage of you.
I’m sorry that happened to you.
Hang in there, and in future please be extra careful hangubg around men you don’t know at parties and at clubs, bars, etc., and consider limiting your alcohol consumption if you don’t already do so.
I can’t imagine myself as a young man doing something like what appears to have been done to you to any woman.
It’s interesting how much times have changed, even like 10/15 years ago this would have been considered a completely normal way to lose your virginity, and nobody would have batted an eye
I’m so sorry this happened to you. If you are not able to consent, and it sounds like you were too impaired to do so, than it is rape.
Something similar happened to me, turned this guy down all night, got blackout drunk, came to briefly with him inside of me, passed back out, he was gone before me or the rest of my friends in the house woke. My rapist did not think he had done anything wrong and actually thought we were going to start dating. It does not seem weird that yours would text you.
Edited to add that I agree with the suggestion to find a female therapist to help you work through this event. In my experience, it helped me work through my thoughts and emotions around my SA, but it is something that will still randomly come into my mind.
It was definitely assault if you were so drunk you couldn’t stand and he had sex with you. I’m so sorry that happened. I hope however this leaves you feeling that you can be at peace.
I’m not sure how long ago this is but you should def seek the authorities. If you still have the texts, it’s admission to rape. You were in no state of mind to be agreeing to sex and he 1000% took advantage of you, especially if you were drugged.
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and so sorry that this continues to trouble you. I hope you’ll remember that you are (and always have been) a whole person who is much more than a hymen. Your life is much more than one evening. You can acknowledge how sad it is that that was your first sexual experience, and maybe you might feel bad about some of your decisions, but … You are no longer the person who made those choices. I hope you’ll consider too that your flawed youthful choices also did protect you from a worse partner and worse surroundings and worse repercussions. Only you can decide what kind of counseling might help you continue to thrive, but I’ve personally seen women well on their way regress by rehashing the worst experience of their life every week for months (during “therapy” that enriches a therapist who gets paid every session).
i’m sorry if this realization hurts, but you were sexually assaulted. you were too drunk to consent. and him being sober and six years older, he knew that. the reason he texted you the next day is because he wasn’t the one who was sexually assaulted. he’s the one who did it.
virginity is a social construct. it has no objective definition. how do you define sex anyways? penetration? so do lesbians never lose their virginity? if someone does “one pump” is that losing your virginity? if it’s rape, is that losing your virginity? when you have your first kiss, do you lose some other type of virginity? no. because you’re not “losing” anything. it’s just a human experience and you get to decide how you define it.
my point is, i’m really sorry this happened to you. you didn’t deserve this and it’s really unfair and i’m sorry for the pain you’ve been in for years. my point however also is you don’t have to give him the credit of taking your virginity. if losing your virginity is a significant thing to you, he doesn’t deserve the credit for something you never consented to in the first place