Please bear with me. It’s a lot I have to get off my chest. I (27f) have been in a relationship with my bf (32m) for almost 10 years.
Overall, we have a really great relationship. We have trust, we are silly and can be ourselves, we resolve conflict quite while and we get along really well. We have overcome soooo much together and we have grown a lot.
He takes care of me and he’s very good to me. I love him very much. I could see myself with him for a long time. Possibly marriage and a kid?
BUT
I don’t know what it is, but I’m feeling unsatisfied in our relationship. I don’t know whether it’s because I feel my needs aren’t being met, or that I just don’t feel we are compatible anymore.
For example, I’m a very sexual person and when I’m ovulating, I want to get intimate quite a lot around that time. (It usually lasts around a week) I want it pretty much every day, sometimes twice a day or every other day. Then once ovulation is over I tend to relax, I’ll want it a few times in the space of the 2 weeks while I’m in my luteal phase.
Then, once my menstrual phase comes, I don’t want it at all for almost a week. So as a whole for the entire month it kinda levels itself out.
We’ve had plenty of conversations on this subject and I asked him ideally how many times a week would he want us doing it. He says 3 to 4 times a week. Which is fine for me. Except we never do it that much, and when we do get intimate… I always initiate.
It’s always me making the first move and I do enjoy doing it but every time really irritates me and makes me feel like I’m doing something he doesn’t want. But despite asking and making sure he says he does. When he doesn’t he tells me and we don’t. I’ve always respected his boundaries. At the end of the day I want us both to enjoy ourselves.
I’ve also asked him if there’s any fantasies that he would like me to fulfil or anything that he wants to do that he hasn’t told me and there’s nothing.
I love him and he has so many great qualities, but, I just feel that I’m taking too much of an assertive role in the relationship when I want to be more equal between us both.
I already make a lot of decisions in our relationship and I feel I have a lot of mental load, it would just be nice if he took more control.
On top of our sex life, he doesn’t really plan date nights which I told him makes me happy if we went at least once every couple of weeks.
But he doesn’t plan anything. He doesn’t take initiative. I need to feel wanted and special. The sparks have fizzled out of our relationship and I feel bored.
I’m stuck. I’m starting to fantasise about another guy that had shown interest in me while we broke up briefly a few years ago. I see this guy in the gym often. I don’t entertain anything, I haven’t spoken to him. It’s just when I see him in the gym, especially when I’m Ovulating.. it’s hard. And I feel like shit. I feel bad for feeling this way.
There’s also another guy that I had a fling with before I got with my boyfriend. Who’s shown a lot of interest in me still after all this time. I don’t entertain him either. I have clear boundaries and would never cheat on my boyfriend. But Me and him seem a lot more sexually compatible, but I don’t know what we would be like together.
The trouble that I’m having is, I don’t know how to differentiate whether I’m just feeling this way because I’m not being satisfied in my relationship, or whether this is becoming to terms and realising that me and my boyfriend aren’t compatible anymore. I don’t know where to go from here
I love him so much and he’s such a wonderful person. He’s kind, But I honestly feel like he’s a little too vanilla for me. As weird as that feels to say. He’s not assertive as I need him to be. I do compliment him all the time and try to tell him that I love it when he takes control of the situation but it doesn’t stick for long. Any thoughts?
Thanks
TL;DR
A woman in a 10-year relationship loves her boyfriend deeply but feels unfulfilled. She carries most of the emotional and sexual effort, desires more passion and initiative from him, and is starting to question their compatibility. Despite her loyalty, she finds herself fantasizing about others and wonders if this disconnect means the relationship has run its course.