Hi Reddit. I (20F) have been with my boyfriend (20M) on and off for a while. When we first started dating, things were honestly toxic. We weren’t in the right headspace, but after taking time apart, we both started working on ourselves. I got into therapy, and he finally started opening up to the people around him. That time made such a difference. When we came back together, everything felt different. I think because we built a friendship first this time. Anyway now the relationship is healthy and calm in a way I didn’t know was possible. He’s my best friend, and I am so deeply in love with him. I feel safe with him. He makes me laugh. He feels like home.
And because the relationship is finally stable and good, I’m now facing harder questions I didn’t want to look at before.
I’m going into my fourth year of university and about to apply to grad schools. I know I want to move out of state and chase big opportunities. He just started the program for his associate degree after finishing his prereqs, which took a few years to complete. PT school is the long-term goal, but realistically, it’ll be a while. He says he wants that future because he wants me, and he loves helping people and working in health. That means a lot to me. But he doesn’t have much internal motivation when it comes to school. I try to be supportive and never critical, but sometimes it feels like if I stop encouraging him, the whole thing stalls. And that pressure builds over time.
We also grew up really differently, which is no one’s fault. I was raised with structure and support, in an environment that expected me to be great. His world was more about survival. Getting through the day, working with what you had, not necessarily being pushed to think about long-term goals. Our schools, our communities, and the expectations around us shaped us in completely different ways. Now we’re trying to merge those paths, and it’s hard. I think he wants to live the kind of life I’m working toward because he wants me, but I don’t know if he actually sees himself in that future. And that’s what scares me.
He works a lot and has been doing everything he can with what he has, but I can feel the gap widening. Long distance is definitely coming once I leave for school, and I don’t know how that will work when we’re already in such different places.
Our values are aligned. My family loves him and they’re really close with him, which I treasure. But his family doesn’t really care for me, and that’s been a quiet struggle. Still, I love this man. When I’m with him, all the questions quiet down. He’s thoughtful and selfless and has never hesitated to put me first, even when he doesn’t have much to give. I’ve seen him spend the last of his money on me without saying a word. I want a life with him. Marriage. Kids. Everything.
But I also know that love alone might not be enough. And I’m scared that staying together just because it feels good right now could lead to more heartbreak later.
If anyone’s been through something similar, I’d really appreciate your thoughts. Is it possible to grow with someone when you’re moving at different speeds? Or am I loving him so much I’m ignoring what’s realistic?
Thank you if you read this, truly. Any advice would be appreciated.
TLDR: I love my boyfriend deeply and we’ve built a healthy, supportive relationship after a rocky start. But I’m about to apply to grad school and move out of state, while he’s just starting his associate degree after years of prereqs. We grew up very differently and are moving at different speeds in life. I’m scared our paths don’t align long-term, even though my heart wants to believe they will. What do you do when you’re in love but your timelines don’t match?
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