Tldr below + throwaway because he knows know my Reddit.
My(F23) boyfriend (M25) and I have been together for three years, and we’re very much in love. I have no plans to leave him..he’s my person. About over a year ago, his best friend (M26) lost his job and his GF dumped him. And my boyfriend offered and insisted to let him stay with us until he got back on his feet without consulting me. I won’t lie, I was very upset. I wasn’t happy about sharing our space with one of his friends..but also I didn’t want to be that person who pushes out someone my boyfriend clearly cares so much about. So I decided to be patient and let him have his way.
A few months in, the guy and I actually became good friends. I started to see why he was my boyfriends best friend. He’s loyal, kind, funny and easy to get along with. I realised just how much we had in common. We share the same sense of humour, similar interests, and the kind of easy banter that feels like it’s always been there. I feel like I’ve known him forever.
Over time, it stopped feeling like it was just my boyfriend and me it naturally became us three. We started doing everything together cooking, grabbing dinner, spending lazy evenings in, even going on trips abroad. It never felt forced. It just… fit. Like he belonged with us, Like our home wasn’t fully whole without him in it.
We would plan our free time to make sure we would always be free at the same time. Sometimes during drunk nights out we come home and we all sleep in the same bed nothing sexual, just sleeping and cuddling it’s so comfortable the three of us together. It started to feel like homw, well for me at least.
He’s a very tactile and friendly person to me and my boyfriend. He’ll brush my hair when I’m unwell , and he helps take care of me with my boyfriend or if he’s sick we will look after him or we will look after my boyfriend. We all look after one another like a family would. I trust him my boyfriend trusts him. It’s just the kind of relationship we developed over time.
I think that’s why it hit me so hard the other night when he told me he’s planning to move out next month. He got a new job 6 months ago and said he can’t stay with us forever. He hugged me saying thank you and something in me just quietly cracked.
I didn’t understand at that moment but now i think about it ..I do. I love him..and I’m realising it now. It’s not about anything physical, even though I do find him attractive. But It’s deeper than that. I love him as a person, completely. And I feel like I will grieve the day he leaves.
I don’t really know what to do with these feelings. Maybe it sounds selfish, but I didn’t know it was possible to truly love two people at once. And yet I do. Loving him hasn’t taken anything away from what I have with my boyfriend. If anything, it’s made my heart feel even fuller. I would never leave my boyfriend. I’m just an ashamed I feel this way it’s not normal. I feel conflicted about all of these feelings. I know I shouldn’t feel this way. I can’t help it. I will eventually have to tell my boyfriend. I don’t know what to do with these feelings
Tldr: I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for four years, and his best friend moved in with us to get back on his feet. Over time, I became really close to him, and now I realize I’ve developed feelings for him. I’m confused and feel guilty because I would never leave my boyfriend, but I don’t know what to do with these feelings
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Most of us don’t do the shared love thing not because having feelings is limited to one person, but because it hurts our partner A LOT, consistently.
I’m sure everyone would love to have their little harem. We don’t because we care deeply for our partners emotional state. So most of us have an unspoken rule about being monogamous. In theory.
But humans are humans and things like what you’re experiencing do happen so we also have the concept of “not playing with fire.”. Internally being careful about how we act around others.
You say that you’re never going to leave your boyfriend, but I don’t think that statement is going to mean much to him when it’s followed by “I had feelings for that dude that was living with us for an extended period of time.”.
Go to a therapist first. Then talk to your boyfriend.
Geez dawg, and i thought there was hope for the human race
Maybe they’d be into Poly fidelity.
Polyamory isn’t for everyone but gosh this sounds like polyamory.
Sugar, the kind of love you are describing is never, ever wrong. Is there any chance that if you told your boyfriend exactly what you told us here, he would, instead of feeling threatened or hurt….. get it? I mean, he loves his best friend as well, right? I’m a straight, 50 year old man, and I love my best male friends that I’ve had for decades, and I even tell them that not infrequently. Maybe instead of feeling conflicted about your love for your friend vs your bf, you and your bf could grieve the end of what sounds like a beautiful era with your (now) mutual friend whom you both love.
Or am I fkn nuts and this is not how people do things? But anyway, from what you’ve said… stay golden.
What in the infernal devices… (iykyk)
It seems to me you’d feel the same if it was a close female friend. He’s become family, and that’s ok.
From my perspective, you may just not know where to direct your emotions about him leaving.
He will always be your friend, as he is your boyfriend’s friend. You can ALWAYS keep that strong bond as long as you keep it as that.
Hopefully you can work it out.
We’re conditioned to think that love has narrow boxes to fit in. That there is “the one” for our amorous love, and that there is love for family and friends which is distinctly different. If I’ve learned anything in my years on this planet it’s that all of that is bullshit.
Love takes many forms and is displayed in many ways. You certainly can be IN love with two people at once & you can love many people at once. How you choose to handle that is up to you and it’s not mutually exclusive. Love for one doesn’t take away from your love for another. It’s just different for each person. Hell, it’s the premise of near every rom-com and/or romance drama movie ever made.
All this to say is you have a lot of deep, meaningful love for both and there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s a beautiful thing to be able to experience and share love. You’re obviously devoted to your bf and it sounds like he may be of the same or similar feelings. Talk it out and let the best friend know when you both are ready. I’m sure he’ll appreciate it.
I think u love him but not in a romantic way. U just love him like how u would love friends idk seems like it
Love and lust are not the same thing just as fucking and love making aren’t the same thing……and our culture has a hard time telling the difference