Information:
I’m a M19 and I’ve been in a relationship with a F18 for 8 months.
We’ve known each other since freshman year of high school and have always had a good friendship, which has evolved into a relationship.
Well then.
-In this 8-month period, I can count on one hand the number of times we’ve made out, about 3-4 times, very few, we’ve never gone beyond kissing. I try to make advances, I try to be with her, I try to create the opportunity for us to be intimate (I’m not just referring to sex, but a longer kiss, a touch, etc.) and all my attempts have failed… it really wears me out. Nowadays, I feel ashamed to even try to touch her because of all the “No’s” I’ve received.
-I’ve always felt terrible about it, I feel like crap, rejected, I think the problem is me, I get anxious and very sad about it. I was waiting for the opportunity to talk to her about it, and the opportunity came, but it didn’t go as planned. I wish it had happened in person, because I’ve tried to broach the subject a few times, and she always played it off as sexual, making it seem like I just want sex. Last week, I was so upset about this situation that I couldn’t hide it, and she noticed and questioned me on WhatsApp.
(Information about her: she suffers from severe anxiety, takes prescription medication, and lives in a constant state of anxiety. Before me, she was in a relationship that didn’t end well, and she was very upset.)
She asked me why I was being indifferent to her. I couldn’t bear to hide what was going on in my head (the fact that she didn’t show the slightest physical attraction to me and I thought I was the problem). So we started talking. I told her almost everything that was on my mind, and she said it wasn’t like that at all. She said she knows she’s missing something, she said she doesn’t feel that desire, she said she’s afraid to be with me because it will lead to sex…
Now comes the part that’s been bothering me and filling my head. At the beginning of our relationship, she made it clear and insinuated that she’d never done anything with anyone, and over the course of eight months, she reiterated this, saying she had her own time and that I had to respect that. But while we were talking, she brought up her ex, that everything with him led to sex and that she felt dirty, that she’d done things with someone who wasn’t worth it, and that it was hurting her because she should do those kinds of things with me who is worth it (her words), but she was feeling stuck, with a kind of block. What’s been troubling me and making me anxious is that during those long eight months, it was a comfort to me to know that she’d never done anything with anyone, and that’s why she didn’t do it with me. For eight months, I idealized something we had, something extremely intimate between me and her, that we would do together (I’m a virgin), that we would be each other’s first. I idealized this the entire time, and now my expectations may have been dashed.
I want to ask her about how far she got with her ex; that question is on my mind 24/7, but I don’t know if I should.
Honestly, I’m reaching my limit between us. I didn’t want to think about it because I love her, but if it continues like this, I don’t know if I can handle it.
What you guys think about that?
EDIT: While we were chatting on WhatsApp, she acknowledged that the lack of intimacy was a problem and said she was going back to therapy. If I’d never heard her say that, I’d be happy to see that she wants to change. But she’s said this several times about various other issues, both related and unrelated to our relationship. I can’t believe she’s willingly seeking help.
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I’d give it some time to see if therapy solves anything before moving on, but you wouldn’t be wrong to leave before or after. Partnerships should be our place of peace, and you are currently anything but peaceful.
If she’s fragile to the point where her previous relationship kind of ‘ruined sex’ for her the answer isn’t to do everything in your power to get her to submit to sex. Maybe give this next stab at therapy a few months to see if she’s making any progress. But ultimately, if you and she have fundamentally different relationship expectations it’ll mean you’re just not a good match.
Break up. Especially if you talked about it and she doesn’t care.
Sounds like she needs therapy first and then to evaluate if she is healthy enough to be in a relationship right now.