I’ve known my boyfriend for about 3 years and started dating a little over a year ago. We’re both each other’s first relationship and still figuring things out. Two days ago I had a date with my boyfriend that ended up in sex. We’re both pretty rough with each other, and I was topping today (related, I promise) I eventually started teasing him about fantasies as he’s the kind of person who’s pretty shy about that stuff. I’ve made things about consent clear multiple times so I knew he was fine with it – he’s a very expressive person and if he didn’t like it, he would say something and wouldn’t wuss out about it – I started sharing my own fantasies in a way to urge him and after a few I said something involving self harm and razors. I’m not too sure if I can go into detail on this sub, but it’s pretty violent and I didn’t go into it more than two or three sentences. As I’m typing this I realize how this might instantly be a problem, but our relationship isn’t pure. We’re both into freaky things and considered BDSM stuff before, and we make a lot of dark jokes between us involving s/h and many other things. Tldr this is the norm for us. My other fantasies weren’t innocent and were on similar levels, just not involving cutting like this one. Once I said it, my boyfriend immediately told me to stop and exploded at me, saying things like “why would you fucking make a joke like that” and “go jack off to your slitting fantasies somewhere else” He kicked me out and was visibly shaken, I really wanted to stay but he wasn’t having it. At first I thought it was a pause and we could talk about it, but he wasn’t having it at all wouldn’t let me get any words in, constantly telling me to shut up while I left. He honestly looked scared/about to cry and I didn’t want to make it worse.
I’ve texted him three times over the past two days asking if he’s okay but he isn’t replying. He’s an expressive person ESPECIALLY over text the internet is like his safe space, and if he wanted me gone I would know that by now. For some further context, he grew up in the foster system and never had stability with multiple abusive foster homes. This is how he led into edgy humor, and he used to spend a lot of time on 4chan. He has very bad abandonment issues and only talks to a handful people other than me, of which I am definitely the closest out of them all. With all of that said though, he’s confessed to me a few times he genuinely cares and loves me and doesn’t want to fuck things up which is difficult for him to even think about because of being abandoned so many times in the past. He doesn’t want to lose me and I’m aware of this, and if he wanted me permanently gone he would’ve blocked me and told me to fuck off. This has happened once before (non-sex related, just an argument about an internet politics issue) where he ghosted me and I had to keep pushing him to talk so I could apologize, but since it’s now sex and consent related I feel wrong to do the same. What the fuck did I trigger in him for him to give such a bad reaction?? That’s what I’m worried about, especially with his previous experiences of abuse.
Please don’t tell me to break up with him. He matches my freak on every other occasion except for this and this came out of nowhere and I don’t know how to handle it. What do I say? What do I text him?? Do I wait? Do I call?????????? I know I need to be patient with him but I’m very afraid I triggered something related to his past and I lowkey don’t trust him enough to be on his own, however I’m too afraid to bust in there and making him more scared. He has avoidant behavior which I can tell this is as he hasn’t blocked me. If he wanted me gone I would know and wouldn’t be typing this. It’s the morning of the third day as I type this.
Sorry. Very long. Very rambly. I know I fucked up but idk what to do. I think my TLDR is too long too but I don’t know how else to rewrite it. All of his issues combined into kicking me out but not texting me back is typically when I’d show up to his front door but I’m worried it would freak him out further. Please help.
Thank you TLDR: Having sex with boyfriend, I said I have a fantasy about self harm. He exploded on me, immediately telling me to get off of him (I was on top) and snapping at me with rude comments and kicked me out. He was visibly shaken and I wanted to stay but he didn’t let me. Now it’s been two (almost three) days and he hasn’t texted and I’m worried I messed everything up. He has very bad abandonment issues and never had a stable home life which leads to messy communication from him in person which is usually corrected over text and like I said he’s had enough time to text me if he wanted me gone permanently. If he was breaking up I would know and wouldn’t be typing this. He would’ve told me and blocked me day 1. What do I say to him? How do I fix it? How do I know I’m not pushing him too far for a reply?
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You hit a nerve. Something in his past really shook him, and you woke it up for him again. He should be talking it out with you so you would a) understand it isn’t you he’s reacting to, it’s the unresolved feelings about the past and b) so you won’t trigger him again accidentally because now you know. And even if he doesn’t have past trauma related to cutting, the thought of losing you may be more than he.can handle right now. Again, talking it out is the standard procedure.
Your problem is that you can’t talk if he’s not communicating. You need to figure out what you want to say to him and then how you’re going to get that message across. You may need to write it down and mail it or stick it to his door or something, and even then there’s no guarantee he’ll read it, but if you want to break this impasse you’ll at least need to try.
It’s kind of difficult to offer advice without knowing what you actually said.
If i was your bf I would be terrified too. Idk how I would react to my bf having self harm thoughts while trying to get me horny.
You need to give him space, and when HE is ready he will reach out too you.