My gf (F20) and I (M21) have been dating for about a year and a half, and throughout this time have been mostly very happy. The only times it seems we ever really have any arguments is when this happens. Sometimes, which at this moment isn’t as common of a problem, I fall asleep after work when we had plans to spend some time together. I never mean to, and often wake up around 10 and ask if she wants to just spend the night, so we could still see each other, and often she feels like I don’t care about her, either tells me “forget it, get your sleep” and stops texting me, sometimes for days, or is distant when we do spend time together.
We’ve communicated about this, when things like that happen it makes her feel like I don’t matter to her, despite that being completely untrue. Recently, we had another moment where I made another mistake, we spent 3 nights together in a row, and in total, I slept 3-4 hours every day for 4 days, inconveniently directly during and then on the one day of proceeding working 58 hours over the course of 6 days previously. Today, I fell asleep, working two 10-hour shifts yesterday and today. Today is typically our day, I fell asleep after work around 7, woke up at 10, she sent a couple disappointed text messages, and despite trying to call her, she isn’t answering. I fear she may stop talking to me for more time.
I feel like, despite us having made plans because we both wanted to see each other, falling asleep was something I really couldn’t control, and even though I feel terrible doing so, I don’t think I’m an AH just for doing this. I switched jobs and took pay decreases to keep this from happening, and even though I try, it still happens, and I still let her down. Do I deserve getting treated this way? Is something like this, something I can’t control, deserving of being so upset with me she can’t talk to me for days? What can I do to rectify this situation?
(Reposted to ask defined question)
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Stop making plans you can’t keep.
If you know you’re working 2 10-hour shifts, don’t make plans with your gf.
Where are you falling asleep? Your bed? The sofa? Both of those are pretty well controllable. If you’re falling asleep at the kitchen table – ok, that’s beyond your control. Otherwise, you know better than to get comfortable when you have an appointment.
I know you think you’re working SO MUCH, but 9-10 hours/day isn’t exceptionally tiring unless you’re working a road crew or an equally physical job.
Why are you getting so little sleep? Is she keeping you up? If so, tell her you can only spend the night if you’re asleep by 10.
None of this is that hard to manage.
Don’t make plans with her after 10 hour days, unless the plan is to have her come over and nap with you.
There is a fair argument to be made on both sides in my opinion.
Sometimes plans need to be cancelled. It just happens in a relationship. The ability to work around that goes a long way.
But if you’re notorious for never showing up, always cancelling… That’s a serious problem on your end.
And a crucial piece that’s missing is the heads up.
Where you are going more wrong is when you pass out, leaving her wondering if you two are hanging out… Only to text her after “you still down to chill?” Hitting her up after the fact. Instead of before the fact.
You have to get ahead of that curve and deliver the heads up. Not leaving her wondering wtf is happening.
Some bits, I also take some of your side… Spending 3 nights straight. The 4th is imperfect. We’re not going to always be on point. Sometimes there will be a day that is off the mark, its fine. You need to catch up on sleep, she should understand that about you without the guilt trip.
I think an area where you are screwing up a lot is the fact that you two had plans. Pass out. Leave her wondering. Then hit her up afterwards when its late. Got to get ahead of that and avoid those spots. At least tell her ahead of time:
>Hey, today was a long day. I don’t think I have the energy to hang out. If you want to come over and cuddle, you’re welcome to. But I have to catch up on sleep because I am about to pass out.
Instead of taking a nap, waking up, reaching out a few hours later going:
>So, even though we had plans to chill at 6, its now 10 pm. Still want to come over?
That’s fuel to the fire, making things worse. Have to at least avoid the leaving her wondering spots. People can be understandable about no energy. It becomes a problem if you don’t make them aware of it asap.
Take some damn accountability for your actions. You say it’s “completely untrue” that she doesn’t matter to you, but what are you doing to prevent this or improve the issue? Set a damn alarm. Sleep earlier! Stop making promises you can’t keep. Be realistic about what you can handle and communicate with your gf. You absolutely DO have control over it.
She might find the quality time iffy if you offer for her to stay over. Maybe it comes across as wanting sex but not a date? She’s right to be frustrated but you’re both young and learning to manage time. I hope you both can find a good, fair middle ground.
I’ll add, I have a strong suspicion that I have a sleeping disorder and/or an unknown vitamin deficiency, I don’t know exactly what, but I often find it nearly impossible to fall asleep when I have time to, even when exhausted, then often have a lot of trouble staying awake when I no longer have time to sleep. The problem has gotten severe enough that I avoid stimulants entirely, have 40+ alarms during different parts of the day meant to wake me for both in case I can’t wake up, or fall asleep during inconvenient times during other times in the day. This is a problem I often fight through regularly to spend time with my gf and friends, even told I “look exhausted” a variety of times.
I appreciate everyone’s advice, even that I’m whiny or not taking accountability, I understand feeling like I’m behaving like that, I’m just feeling desperate not to lose any more time with her. My gf has told me she suspects she has avoidant attachment, and when she gets upset with me, she can sometimes not talk to me for up to 5 days, being that long at least 3 separate times, she says she even thinks it’s severe, and not meant to be a punishment. It doesn’t exactly help me feel better when it happens though.
Right now, you are handling this in the worst possible way. You aren’t acknowledging reality, you’re letting your girlfriend down, and you’re depriving yourself of sleep. All that needs to stop. Sounds like you need to be realistic about
how many hours a week you need to work
how many hours a week you need to sleep
how much actual time that leaves for you to spend with your girlfriend
if that is enough to make you both happy
At the moment, it feels like you’re acting like the victim of circumstance, as though all this is just happening to you rather than it being something you’re actively doing. You are sort of hoping there’s a magical way to make there be enough hours for work and sleep and quality time with your girlfriend, but it sounds like there just…isn’t.
Possible solutions:
Make the above time budget and then communicate with your girlfriend about what you have to offer. Maybe you’re just not in a place right now where a relationship with this person is going to work?
Get another job where you have to work fewer hours
Sort out your weird sleeping issues
Make changes and commit to better sleep hygiene. Get checked out by your doctor or look into getting a sleep study done. My boyfriend falls asleep on me on occasion, I feel disappointed but I try to understand. I’m okay if he communicates that he’s tired, it’s when he doesn’t that bothers me personally.
You feel like you don’t matter to her? Dude, you’re making plans with her and then not showing up because you fell asleep. Regularly.
You have to manage your schedule better. Go to sleep earlier, go straight to her place after work, whatever you have to do. But you absolutely cannot keep making plans and then not keeping them. That’s insanely disrespectful of your girlfriend’s time.