I have a friend that we will call Tiffany (F23), she and I get along very well and have very similar interests. I’ve always had a crush on her, but assumed it would never work out. We’ve known each other for years and it’s never gone anywhere despite me trying. Except for recently, she asked me out. And no, I wasn’t on the roster for her. She didn’t have other guys, she just didn’t date. I was shocked when she asked, as by this point after years I kinda repressed my feelings and gave up trying. So I said yes without thinking. And herein lies my problem.
For the past year I have been trying to date a girl we will call Cassie (F21). Cassie and I met through mutual friends and hit it off after a short time. I tend to take it slow with these things though and so I was in no rush to date her. Hence why I haven’t been already, she seems to be of similar mind to this. There was a clear connection though.
Now here’s the issue. I figured in the wild world that Tiffany ever did date me, I would be ecstatic. She’s my dream girl, I’ve been trying for so long, and she’s everything I want. But now that it’s happened, that’s not how I feel.
Instead I feel scared to tell Cassie about her, instead I feel like I said yes without thinking. Instead I feel like I’m going to lose Cassie and that doesn’t sit right with me. I’ve thought about myself dating Tiffany and Cassie moving on to somebody else and idk if I like that outcome. Ever since Tiffany asked me out, I’ve been thinking about Cassie, not her. Cassie and I hang out way more often, we are objectively way closer right now than Tiffany and I are. But I also recognize Cassie is new, and I’ve been spending more energy cultivating that relationship. Whereas Tiffany is safe, and a constant in my life at this point. She’s always been there, and probably always will be.
So my question is: am I just getting cold feet? Is this like a groom getting worked up the day before his wedding? Am I stupid for thinking about Cassie when I have a great girl like Tiffany right there?
And if I’m not, if this is my brain/heart telling me I’m meant to be with Cassie, how does that happen? I obviously won’t cheat on Tiffany. Things with her would have to end. But I’m not a cruel person, and I do care for her, I can’t just tell her “yeah I didn’t actually think things through when I said yes” and I definitely don’t want to tell her I’m breaking up with her for another girl. She doesn’t deserve the spiral that could put her in. Especially since she’s kinda going through rough times right now.
I guess I’m asking for insight here. I’m not good at this whole relationship thing. Is this normal? I don’t want to be the kind of guy that throws away a good thing for the shiny new toy.
TLDR: recently got into relationship with girl I’ve liked for years, but now having doubts regarding a new girl in my life. Unsure about whether I am overthinking things or not, and what I should do.
Comments
In a situation like this it’s normal to have mixed feelings. You thought Tiffany wasn’t an option and have been repressing your feelings.
Do keep in mind that Cassie may not be an option either. You weren’t in a rush to date her but apparently were fine with rushing with Tiffany. Is your relationship with Tiffany not what you’d thought? You may be assuming any negative part wouldn’t have happened in your relationship with Cassie, but you don’t know that. Don’t let FOMO or uncertainty ruin a relationship you have wanted for a long time. Think about whether your relationship with Tiffany is working without bringing Cassie into the equation. Are you happy? If yes, continue dating her. If not, break up. Don’t do it because of potential with Cassie.
You’re not ‘meant’ to be with anyone, I wouldn’t look at this as a right or wrong option. There’s a high chance neither of these relationships go the distance, and that’s okay, but you just need to decide. And actually the fact that you told Tiffany yes immediately says enough, in my opinion. If you’re unsure about being with Tiffany then break up with her as soon as possible, but not because Cassie ‘might’ be better, but because you aren’t feeling the feelings that you once felt, if that is actually the case.
It’s also entirely possible that you putting Tiffany on a pedestal for years and pining for her is messing with your ability to form romantic relationships with other people in general, and you should draw some boundaries or take space from her if you don’t want something like this to happen in the future.