Me and her have been together for a little over a year and everything has been amazing up until this bump. Her ex broke up with her two years ago and from what I gather it was amicable and they decided to still keep in touch every 3 months over text (although becoming more frequent as of late such as twice in the last 3 months).
Some key info:
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They unfollowed each other on insta after breaking up but recently refollowed each other. They don’t engage on social media so it seems to be just another way to stay up to date on each other’s lives. (My girlfriend doesn’t post hardly ever, and has no posts of me and her together romantically).
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She still has an album of pics of him (both of just him and the two of them together but nothing explicit). And to be clear this doesn’t really bother me, as I understand she has good memories from her life before our relationship so I’d never ask her to delete these.
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In all her texts with him (dating back to before me and her were together) she has not once mentioned being in a new relationship to him even though their convos revolve around life updates
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All convos between him and her have been initiated by him so it’s not like she’s going out of her way to connect with him, but neither is she giving him the impression that she is taken and needs to have boundaries in place between them
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They have not mentioned calls or meetings in person so I do not think there is anything shady as of yet.
What I’m mainly concerned about is that by not telling him about me she is keeping the door open if he ever wants to push for getting back together or if she and I get into an argument and she needs someone to go back to.
Also, I know I’ve got issues that I need to address, but I had to find all this out myself. She doesn’t know I know, and has never brought up the fact that she is still in contact with her ex.
What are your opinions? Red flag or no?
And if I were to try to give her the opportunity to be transparent with me, would outright asking her “are you still in contact with any of your exes” be an acceptable thing to ask?
TLDR: girlfriend and her ex have life update texts every few months but she has never mentioned her relationship with me to him. She has never mentioned she still texts him to me either.
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Disrespectful as fuck imo. A stray picture here or there wouldn’t matter to me, but my partner hiding that they’re talking to an ex is not something I’d tolerate. Yes, I’d bring it up, and it would be one conversation, if it continued happening, goodbye
I don’t mess with girls who keep in touch with their exes. It’s a first or second date question. Do you have a guy best friend or ex boyfriend you talk to? No third date if it’s a yes. It’s just a preference for me based on my life experience. I don’t put myself in that situation because I learned my lesson. This girl is keeping you hidden because she wants to keep the door open. Close the door buddy. She doesn’t respect you.
I hate the idea of playing “gotcha” with your lover. You already know she’s in contact with her ex, so why would you ask, except to try to catch her in a lie?
You’re concerned about her, but she should be equally concerned about you, secretly snooping her texts and her Insta. If you’re that distrustful, you’re probably not ready to be in a relationship with anyone.
If you’re going to ask her anything, I’d say “I know you’ve been in periodic contact with Ex, and I notice that you haven’t told him yet that you’re in a new relationship. Why is that? It sure doesn’t make me feel great about how committed you are to us, if you don’t want Ex to know anything about me.”
You can have a cordial relationship with your ex. If you feel insecure about it, just communicate it with your partner.
Just let her know that you feel insecure about her and her ex and you need her assurance that she is serious in her relationship with you.
People split into two different camps. Some say it’s none of your concern who your partner talks to. Others are firm that they won’t be in a relationship with someone in contact with their ex.
I agree that this guy is on the back burner. You can ask her “if she is still talking to him,” and then ask her to go NC. Then if she either lies or refuses, that will tell you something.
Ultimately, she can do what she wants, and you have to accept it or leave.
There is absolutely no good reason to keep in contact with an act. No, you’re not going to be friends regardless of anything that you might say. The fact that she hasn’t mentioned you to him is very shady, and I would immediately confront her on it. Do not put any more time or effort in relationship with her if she is not going to reciprocate and kind.
Its like she’s not telling her ex about you because she wants him to think she’s still available? Saying that you should ask her if she still has contact with her ex. Then if she says no then you know she’s hiding something from you. Many times when people break up they cut contact with their ex. Maybe she’s not over him yet? Seems shady as fuck like somethings going on. Are you sure they still don’t secretly meet up?
Together a little over a year……. I think it’s okay to have a conversation about where your relationship is going and what boundaries should be in place. Do you have any ex’s that you have cut off? Maybe start there.
What good can come out of her keeping in touch with, talking to etc a guy she used to fuck and used to have feelings for while she’s in a new relationship with you? What benefit does it have for your relationship?
If the answer is none..why is it occurring?
You’ve been dating over a year, and she’s following her ex on social media, hasn’t told him you exist, and still has pics of them together on insta, but none of you two?
You need to get off here and talk with her if it’s bothering you.
It’d bother the hell out of me if I were you. I’d feel like I was the place holder til the ex shows her he’s worked out the stuff that made her want to end it. And if it wasn’t bothering you, you likely wouldn’t be here asking us for advice.
Do you have any Ex’s you could ask her about? You could say you want clarification because you might occasionally run into your Ex or friends that were mutual friends with your Ex and you want clarification on how she suggests you handle this situation. If she says no contact you know there is a double standard, if she says limited contact with notifying the Ex you’re in a relationship with her you can ask her to do the same.
Yeah red flag, in particular why are you not part of “life updates”??? Sounds like you’re just keeping her warm for him. I’d have a serious discussion with her.
Hot take: not all relationship break ups need to be dramatic affairs. Me and my ex realised we just weren’t a good fit (he’s a swinger, im not) and we are still good friends. My partner gets it. Everyone is pals and it’s not weird at all. But then im on the other side of 30 and I just think adults can adult and be in the same social groups without the drama.
Definitely suggest to see if you can all meet. If she’s against it, question why.