I’m having problems with my girlfriend. We got together 5 years ago and are now [M26] & [F23]. The thing is, everything was going great in the first years. But then, at least from my point of view, she started showing signs of psychological issues last year. She had a very difficult childhood, experienced some really terrible things, and because of that, she has problems with her self-esteem.
She often lies to me, seemingly without any real reason. I often feel like she just tells me what I want to hear. For example, when it comes to texting with some guys, etc.
I sometimes have trouble trusting her. There have been a few situations where she was in contact with different guys. She was texting with them, and after that, our relationship always suddenly felt strange. When I found out that she had been texting them (I can tell when her behavior changes), she said again that she wasn’t that happy anymore and gave some reasons that, from my perspective, weren’t really because of me but more because of her own issues and insecurities. But before that, she tried to hide the chats and didn’t want me to notice.
Everything had been going great in the weeks before that. And then, suddenly, things started to go downhill again. In the past, she gave up those contacts under pressure, after I told her I didn’t want this and that it just can’t work like that.
Afterwards, the relationship was always great again, for months. And now, again, things feel strange since a few days ago. I’m currently in a difficult phase myself, also due to some (not serious) health issues, and it’s all really stressing me out.
Everything had been going great again, until she met a guy at work a few days ago. She !immediately! told me that they get along really well (hes 10years older than her) and said it’s only a friendship, but she deleted a highlight of us on Instagram (according to her, before she even met him). But at first she lied and said Instagram had deleted it, which of course wasn’t true.
She texts him a lot (on Instagram), and suddenly things between us feel off again. I want to believe that she doesn’t want anything thats more than friendship with him, but I’m scared to trust her, especially because of everything that happened in the past (though she never cheated). And because after a conversation to clear things up, she once again brought up reasons that, to be honest, are obviously connected to her psychological issues that she really needs to work on, and not to any new problems that came up in the last few days. I just don’t really know anymore when she’s telling the truth and when she’s not.
She hasn’t cheated on me, but I still feel really uncomfortable. And the highlight deletion? What’s that supposed to mean? Can I believe her when she says she didn’t delete it because of him, but just because she didn’t think it was important anymore? I’m still tagged in some of her stories, and she still has a post that includes me, although oddly enough the tag in that post suddenly disappeared?
I also talked to her about all of this, and we had a long, emotional conversation. She then said she wants to start psychotherapy, which I had been asking for and which is definitely necessary. But I’m worried she won’t follow through, and that she’ll keep texting the guy (which she is currently doing), and that it won’t be good for her or for our relationship. I kind of feel like she’s again looking for the excitement and thrill of something new and for validation. And with me, she doesn’t have that same excitement anymore—at least for the past few days? Which, honestly, is normal after a few years. You can’t really do anything about that, it’s just part of being together for half a decade.
We have a life together, full of beautiful things, and we’ve been living together for a long time. Everything seemed perfect just a few days ago—she even talked about wanting to get married last Saturday! And now suddenly, she says she feels bad again, supposedly not because of the guy.
It’s really weighing on me. I love her, and she says she loves me too. And just a few days ago, it really felt that way. She couldn’t get enough of me. I just don’t know what to do.
tl;dr:
I’ve been in a relationship for several years that used to be very good, but recently my girlfriend has shown signs of psychological issues, likely due to a traumatic childhood. She sometimes lies to me and it negatively affects our relationship. Although she says these contacts are just friendships, her behavior changes, she sometimes hides things, and I find it hard to trust her. She recently deleted a couple-related Instagram highlight and lied about it, which triggered my insecurity again. Even though she now says she wants to go to therapy, I fear she won’t follow through, and I’m deeply worried about where our relationship is heading.
Do you have advice for me? I want to keep the relationship intact and resolve the problems.
Am I overreacting? What am I supposed to do if she doesn‘t follow trough with therapy?
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I should add that she is a nurse and that he is her patient.