TW: Possible SA?
Basically this. I’ve known her about six years and quickly developed a crush. That crush has appeared to be reciprocated in the past year. I was sort of hoping to slowly start dating but things happened so fast last week.
Basically, she periodically does certain drugs. Usually weed or mushrooms. It’s not often enough to be a problem. Usually weed weekly and mushrooms twice a year. I don’t usually partake aside from the odd bong hit or alcohol. This night, I was sober and she was not.
During the movie we were watching, she was very high and ended up making some moves on me. If she were sober, I would have completely accepted this but she wasn’t sober.
I told her to stop a couple times so we could maybe talk about it when she was sober? But she pushed it and assured me she really wanted this. Wanted me. I only put up a token resistance because I actually really wanted it to. We didn’t have sex but there was a lot of touching and kissing and at one point I did go down on her.
She admits she has no real memory of the night but knows something happened. We haven’t put a label on it but she’s become far more physically affectionate toward me and she tends to end our nights with a quick kiss.
Considering she knows that something happened while she was high and isn’t making a deal about it, I assume things are good. But my friends I’ve spoken to about this think that “someone” technically got assaulted that night. Either me cause I said no and she didn’t stop, or her because she was high and apparently couldn’t make a real decision.
Part of me wants to just ignore this and move on with wherever this relationship takes us since it appears neither of us are hurt. My no wasn’t really an “I don’t want this, please stop.” And more of a “you’re not thinking straight, wait till you’re sober.” She just says the drugs gave her the courage to do what she really wanted. Should a conversation be had about this? Or do I just accept she’s being truthful when she says she wanted it, drugs or no drugs?
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Maybe, it’s a matter of interpretation. Perhaps her being high could help her bring her emotions aout and feel a bit more sure with you. And she has complemented that with her attitude after the event.
This might get down voted to hell but I really don’t see any issues. If she is assuring you when she is sober that she wanted it and it gave her courage and when sober you agree you wanted it as long as she is thinking clearly, I don’t see the problem.
It would only be potential assault if you didn’t want it and she kept going or if she didn’t want it when sober. Yes, you could have not gone through with it but you did try to stop it and she persisted.
Again, it doesn’t seem like a problem.
I would say it doesn’t hurt to talk it through and you all have been friends a long time so you know each other. Just to validate while both completely sober that there are no weird feeling associated to it and you both want to move forward.
I know weed affects everyone differently, but in my experience it doesn’t change or blur the line on stuff like this the way alcohol does. Sounds like yall are into each other and you need to just quit beating around the bush (pun intended).
The only people who get to have a meaningful opinion about whether it was assault are the two of you. If you don’t feel like you were assaulted, then you weren’t. If she does not feel like you assaulted her then you didn’t. It doesn’t matter what anyone who wasn’t there and didn’t participate think may have happened.
My advice is to escalate this relationship and go on actual dates where romantic intentions are clearly spelled out.
I would have a conversation, so that you know where both of you stand, both with your concern about consent (and if she reassures you, all is OK), and where the two of you would like the relationship to go. Also, if you willingly participated in the activities that night, you were not assaulted (you can say no and then change your mind, unless you are forced).
I’m sorry, she has no recollection of that night because she smokes weed? That’s… not really a thing.
Was she drunk as well? Any other drugs? That would change this situation entirely
You have known her for 6 years and someone says assault? It takes a month to figure out if you want to stay clear of her or her of you. Things dont happen randomly after 6 years but ymmv.