We have been together for nearly 12 years, married for 5. We met during our last year of university at a time when we never expected things to be serious (she lived hours away from me and the end of our degrees was fast approaching). During the last week of university we had a frank conversation and made the call to give it a go.
For a number of years we made the long distance work. It was tough but worth it. Shortly after we moved in and the rest is history.
Recently (the last few years) I’ve increasingly had the feeling that our outlook on life/ the future differs. We have very little in common in terms of wider interests, and whilst she is happy in her career and lifestyle, I am very much driven by wider ambitions and the constant need to improve (be it physically, through my career or emotionally). This isn’t intended to be a criticism of her (I almost envy it in some ways) but whilst I remain focused on always pushing myself, she is happy to coast.
This is starting to become a major issue for me. We speak about it a lot but I feel at the moment that we have grown apart. We remain good friends and rarely fall out but I have an increasing feeling that something substantial is lacking in our relationship.
What doesn’t help is our age and my wider dreams of having a family. I am adament that I will only have children if we are both 100% committed. Whilst i want children, i can’t in good conscience commit whilst I have these larger doubts on our longer term compatibility. I fear this will turn into resentment eventually and this would be an unfair environment to bring kids up within.
If anyone is going through/ has gone through similar issues, I’d appreciate your thoughts.
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You remind me of the guy in this set of Carolyn Hax columns: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/tp1e9w/couple_agreed_to_be_productive_during_the/. In case you don’t feel like clicking the link, that’s not a good thing, at least in terms of where he started out. And spoiler alert: by the end, he didn’t think it was good, either. It’s not your partner’s job to join you on your personal never ending quest for some vision of the perfect life you’ll never reach, because there’s never going to be a point where you’re willing to look around and go “yes, this makes me happy.” Plus, if you really want kids, it helps if at least one of you isn’t too laser focused on promotions to be home on time and go to doctors’ appointments and put their needs first.
Mind you, I’m not saying you should stay married or have kids if you’re not happy. But I think you need to own that you’re the one who’s not happy and do some self reflection on why that is, not frame it as something that’s lacking in the relationship.
You’re at a crossroads where your personal ambitions and relationship stability are conflicting… kinda isolating when you feel like you’re not on the same page as your partner. Have you thought about aligning goals or finding shared values to narrow the space between you before it’s too wide to cross?
Communication is the heart of a good marriage. You two need to work on it, spend a bit more time together, and reconnect before you drift so far apart you don’t recognise each other.