We’ve been together 14 years, married 5 and have two kids (5 and 2). We’ve lived together pretty much the whole time we’ve been together.
I regularly remind my wife (politely) to close cupboards she leaves open, the fridge doors, to ensure she locks house doors and to turn off heaters and lights in rooms she’s not using. She has a habit of just walking out and leaving everything on. We are not well off so money is tight and bills keep setting us back.
I am never unpleasant about any of the above, I simply say things like ‘would you mind turning the lights off in x room if you’re not going back in’ etc. recently she’s been more snappy with her responses and has said I’m being too controlling.
To me, it seems simple, make it a habit, just turn it off as you leave a room, close the door, lock the front door etc. I’ve had close friends broken into locally, so locking doors just makes sense to me.
Tldr- my wife leaves lights, heaters etc on, doors open and doesn’t lock the house.
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Controlling your budget yes. Being mean … no.
Mentioning it once or twice isn’t controlling. Mentioning it repeatedly over and over again over multiple days is getting into that territory.
It seems like she struggles with daily household stuff, but it is her house too. You’ve said what is on your mind and she’s shown you she’s not going to change. Either learn to live with it or leave if you can’t. But don’t keep nagging her about YOUR priorities when she doesn’t share them.
It sucks to be the one to have to nag someone about things like this, but has she said specifically that this is what you’re being controlling about? Or are there other things? It sounds like you need to have an actual conversation.
It is not that you are wrong, it is that you are setting yourself up for a miserable marriage and/or divorce.
If you want the cupboards closed, close them. If you want lights turned off, turn them off. It doesn’t make sense to turn off heaters when you leave a room, that is pretty crazy.
I think everyone can mutually agree that leaving the fridge open, lights on, or tap running when not in use is a very justified thing to complain about.
Impossible for me to call that controlling.
You leave the house? Lock the door… Who the F doesn’t? Its common sense.
Your wife just doesn’t like to be told what to do when she is irresponsible herself.
No one loves being nagged. But if you didn’t do stuff that was worth nagging about, then there wouldn’t be an issue.
Don’t leave the milk out on the counter overnight, it goes bad. Reasonable thing to complain about. If you do this type of stuff, you’re going to get nagged. Be better, then the nagging will stop.
I don’t know what the play is here man… Some of these people who are commenting that your nagging could be an issue, I still hard disagree. What is he to do? Just live with it?
Nah, something about it needs to be done. Turning a light off when you leave the room for an hour is not a large ask.
Hell, I might even pull a power move and look into some automatic light switches for the room. If she can’t learn to turn a switch off, I will slap an automatic thing on there to ensure they turn off, that way the nagging stops and everyone is happy. Sucks it got to that point, but if she can’t do something as basic as that, I will install something to combat it.
Has she been evaluated for ADHD?
It can be considered nagging if you have to constantly remind her to do those things but its not controlling. Its careless of her to not lock the house that is a serious issue as you could get robbed one day. Leaving everything on is definitely an issue to. You have to ask yourself are you prepared to keep putting up with this. Was she already like this when you married her? This seems to be unfixable as she won’t change her habit. A deal breaker? I wouldn’t put up with it I’d leave.
Does she have ADHD? I TRY to close the cupboards. Really try. After 30 years my husband has quit nagging and realized I’m trying and sometimes they’re gonna be open unless he closes them. It’s not as easy as making a habit for some of us. And you constantly asking feels like a lot of criticism that she may have heard her whole life (why can’t she remember why can’t she sit still etc)
Edit to add- is this really a hill you want to die on? What’s the difference if she leaves lights on sometimes? Locking the door maybe (and/or maybe you double check before bed), but I recommend you learn to pick your battles.
Im sure you will be told Therapy is the only way to go.lol.
Divorce
As someone who can be prone to doing this myself (waiting on ADHD assessment) I quite like to be reminded, as long as it’s in a polite tone as I obviously don’t mean to.
So unless you’re rude, I don’t think you’re being rude and as far as controlling definitely not.
OP, might be worth looking into lights that have sensors on them and turn off after a period of time without any movement in the room.
Its a fine line i will admit. My wife is 11 years my junior and was not in the same headspace I was when we met. I grew up in a very quiet, well maintained home. It was always picked up, vacuumed, etc. I have had depression most of my life and throughout it, tidiness and order is my way of dealing. My wife, the complete opposite. She did much of the same, leaving things laying around, clothing everywhere, cupboards open, etc. We fought for a while because of it and while it got better for a little bit, it always went back. He mother and step father are the same way as well. It was part of her upbringing.
We compromise, a lot of cleaning I do on my days off. I know its not going to be what I want it to be if she does it, so I do it. Its not worth the time to be upset over something she wont have control over. Over the years she has changed when it comes to closing the cupboards and little stuff like that. For clothes, I bought 2 hampers and placed them in the spots where her clothes ended up the most. (They make ones that look like side tables so it was perfect) She cooks, I clean the pots and pans and clean the counters. Instead of continuing to be upset and just brood over it day after day, which I would, we figured out a way to make it work.
Yeah its unconventional but it works for us. I’d rather have an imperfect home than live my life without her.
BTW, I rewired all the lights in my house with Lutron Caseta switches. All of them are controlled via app, alexa or Google home. Everyone in my home is bad at lights including my 3 kids. I say “Alexa, Goodnight” and everything turns off. I say turn off the kids lights and all of theirs are off.
So you’ve been “reminding” over 5 years and still do? Should have given in long ago and be the one doing it or telling her to do it when you see them not closed/switched off. It’s ridiculous if she frequently forgets to lock the crucial doors though??? Does she actually need any medical help? Or else just install auto lock doors, entry via fingerprints so no issues with any accidental locked outs.
a friend of mine does this stuff too. Always leaves bathroom lights on and forgets alot of similar things. It can get really irritating for me, especially since im a double, triple check doors locked type person. – I think having a conversation about it when you aren’t reacting to seeing one of these forgotten things is there best bet. That way at least you can come across as just having an open discussion rather than it being an in the moment (of noticing a light or heater on) comment. As it may feel to her, like a judgment perhaps? or even she is maybe getting embarrassed. Hope this helps 🙂
Expecting your grown ass wife to do basic adulting isn’t controlling. If she didn’t fail at basic life tasks, you wouldn’t have to remind her. Maybe she does have ADHD or something as others have suggested, but she’s 36 years old – getting checked out and treated is 100% her responsibility and doesn’t excuse her.
Controlling? No. Too picky? Maybe.
I have ADHD, and when I’m doing something in one room, I will remember something else I need to do, and jump to that room with the plan to go right back to the room I was in before. Therefore I don’t turn the light off, because I’m not done! My fiance will see this and get frustrated with me, but to me turning a light off means I’m actually done in that room, which is not the case.
I don’t think you’re in the wrong, she may just have a different perspective that’s worth discussing.
I almost could’ve written this myself, except for the locking thing. My husband never has problems finding things (they’ve been kept in the same place for 30 years for goodness sake), but he never knows where it goes when it comes time to put it back. Trash is set on the counter next to the trash can. Cupboards are left open. A/C and heater are left at ridiculous levels when no one is home (we’re in SoCal – we never need the heater set to 78 during the winter, nor the A/C set to 65 during the summer – especially when the house is empty).
You’re right. It’s expensive. It’s wasteful. And just how many times do people need to practically knock themselves out on open drawers/cabinets? And why do I have to follow him around as he scatters ish all over the flipping house?
So it’s been 30 years. We obviously had to come to some solution, at least about the costs, right? When we had our first argument about how much money it cost in electricity, I washed my hands of that bill: You have all the money in the world to spend on that? The excess comes from your WAM. And has ever since. He finally installed solar panels. Lol
She is the mother of 2 small children. Can’t you just turn off the lights and close the cupboards without saying it out loud. 2 small kids actually makes it hard to think, sleep, eat… which makes it hard to function. Then there are those of use with a little ADD, a little distraction. A spouse who. Comes and turns things off before we get a chance. Be a team player. Sometimes the tiniest bit of grace is all that someone needs
Locking doors and closing the fridge are basic things. But I can’t tell if she TRULY needs the reminders, or if she’s busy in the middle of something and she’ll close them in a minute and doesnt need you breathing down Her neck acting like her dad. In the one scenario, she’s pathetically immature. In the other scenario, yeah you could be seen as controlling.
This is a tricky one – I guess that reality is you’ve staked your case in terms of how you want to live and she’s rejected it – so continuing to push is kinda controlling?
That said “controlling” usually implies unfair or over the top unreasonable things you’re trying to influence. What you’re pushing for sounds relatively reasonable. I know its pretty awkward but it sounds like a bit of a sit down and some sort of compromise discussion something like “hey you obviously already know I want XYZ, you obviously don’t but I do find these things important so can we discuss?”
My ex used to leave most of the things open…. Sugar bowl, his oil, flasks, the house, water bottles, toothpaste.. The toilet sit and mostly everything with a lead. I did tell him to make sure he closes up everything he touches and I realized it was not going to change
I became anxious everytime he touched something fearing it would stay open… I realized I wasn’t his mom and it wasn’t my job to teach him the simplest of things. I moved on real quick because no way was I going to mother a 32 year old
Controlling is my ex screaming about how he hates my indoor plants because they require a grow light, and apparently that’ll set the house on fire — or screaming that I left a near invisible thumb print on the fridge and if I don’t wipe it off it’ll erode the stainless steel — or berating me about my weight and demanding to see my calorie tracking app, cause I’m not losing weight fast enough (mind you, I started losing weight for me, not him).
So no, you are not controlling for kindly asking her to do normal house things like closing cupboards, locking doors and minimizing electrical use. That’s just stuff adults should do to maintain a home, and be safe.
This is a pretty surefire road to resentment for both of you; she doesn’t like being nagged, and you don’t like treating her like a child. Ya’ll need couples therapy and to work on your communication skills
I think you may need to pick your battles. The cupboards are not a big deal. You could do a walk-through of the house at night and check the locks and lights.
I don’t think is the something you should have to do. But it’s been 5 years, and she’s not processing these things. So you need another strategy.
My husband had a habit of throwing his clothes on the floors, so I put the hamper there and a hook for him to hang stuff. He leaves lights on; I turn them off. He leaves breakfast dishes in the sink; I wash them when I get in (before him). In the big scheme of things, it costs me very little time to do these things, and it brings peace. He does other stuff like drive me everywhere because I hate driving, and cooks dinner every night. So it all balances out.
You just have to ask yourself how much more time you want to dedicate to this non-working strategy and if it’s worth it. I don’t think it is.
My partner grew up financially secure. I did not. 3 guesses who the power waster is in our household? He thinks it’s inconsequential and the cost difference might amount to a few bucks a month. We can afford it so it really isn’t a huge deal. Whether that’s true or not, I don’t know but we are privileged enough that $20 extra a month isn’t worth the stress. 8 times out of 10, I just turn lights off etc. for him because it’s me who is bothered. He knows I do this and it’s means that the few times I do ask him, he’s response because he knows for every time I ask, there were 8 other times I didn’t say anything.
Now, I know money is tighter for you guys but could you let it go for a month, let the power bill skyrocket and show her on paper that it does make a tangible difference? So she can see that her carelessness is costing the family? Taking food out of your kids mouth or preventing a family activity?
Re locking doors, I have no suggestions.
Things like cupboard doors, there isn’t a tangible consequence beyond annoyance, so maybe let this go as a compromise.
Honestly the only way she will change is if something happens
If it’s to the point where she considers it controlling, she’s already tuned out the message and is focused on the messenger.