I may have lost my bf (nsfw)

Sorry, first time poster I don’t know how to add tags. Also throwaway account for disgusting reasons, consider this your warning.

My (32f) bf (34m) have been experimenting with butt stuff. We are both fairly new to this game so it’s been exciting and pleasant for the most part. However last night this all turned sour.

I went to his place and we went to bed and previously I asked if we could use protection since it’s something I value and I have been feeling odd lately because he did cum in my bum a few times without warning and he said we would use a condom this time. However when things got to it he said “since we are doing it unnaturally there is no need, we are monogamous and tested so no risk of std etc.” had what I can describe as a monologue about how he didn’t want to use protection so I succumbed to his wishes.

He got me to a position he wanted and started to do it. However he went on longer than I presumed and I didnt know why at the time but it didn’t feel pleasant this time. I said “I can’t” many times and, he said I’m doing it just fine, I looked beautiful, I smelled amazing, assuring me each time so I kept going trying to get over the uncomfortable feeling. I got away from him many times shaking and feeling kind of wet for some reason (with what I assumed was lube) and he got me back to the position he wanted me in by holding me and playfully slapping my butt and assured me many times everything was fine over my protests.

At some point I felt like i needed to pee so bad and I requested some break or I can’t continue. And he said he doesn’t advise me to use the bathroom atm? I immediately felt like there was something seriously wrong and he didn’t tell me. He kept on going and as he moved me something wet on the bed caught my eye. Something brown. I had pooped myself, and I didn’t even realise.needless to say I was mortified, I immediately broke down crying started to profusely apologising. I said I was embarrassed and he said there shouldn’t be any emberassment in this position (gesturing to him in me) however I felt like I totally lost him at that moment.

I got away from and I ran away to the bathroom to clean myself and get my shit together unfortunately both literally and figuratively. At that point he made some remark about how he is not my parent and he isn’t going to beat me for shitting myself. I felt even more mortified if that was possible. He came inside the bathroom asking if I was fine and I managed to request some time alone through the tears. This didn’t take long since I couldn’t stay at his place anymore.

I went to bedroom I saw him changing the sheets, he told me to leave the room immediately which I did. He went to shower. I thought he was cleaning himself and rightfully so. When he got out I asked if we could throw away the sheets and I could buy him a new one, something he chose. He said he cleaned the sheets already. He something along the lines of said “I cleaned your poop I should nag about it forever.” When I asked him why he didn’t say anything he said he thought that was something hot and now I ruined it by crying and that he loved me so he put up with it.

He said now I will want to do it even more even though I might make a fool of myself as we went to the door so he could drop me off.

Ever since last night I feel extremely dirty and nothing can get me feeling better. Everything hurts. I feel like I’m disgusting. I feel like he made a fool out of me. I feel like he betrayed my trust. I don’t feel his love anymore and I now know I can’t win it over with sex.

I took a scalding shower and went to bed immediately and fell asleep. He apparently video called me after I fell asleep so not all hope is gone.

Any advice is welcome rn I’m looking to find some new and quality sheets for him as a gift but I don’t feel like it would make a difference.