About a decade ago I found out my wife was pregnant. She is catholic and does not abide by abortion. I was going to be a father. The problem was I was not ready. I freaked out. I got drunk all the time, I was mean to my wife, I was a complete ass.
My son was born with apraxia. He has a speech language disorder that can’t be fixed. There are certain sounds he cannot process. He has a speech impediment. To this day he makes up words cause he doesn’t know the right ones. It’s all my fault. The stress caused by my actions contributed to my sons learning disability.
Comments
The only way to right your wrong is to be the best parent you can be for your child. You owe it to him.
I don’t see how you being a drunk would lead to a child having a developmental speech disorder. I’m sorry he has apraxia and that you have guilt about not being a present father. The best thing you can do now is not drink, be kind to your partner, and be there for your son and make up for the lost time. Don’t be too hard on yourself. Focus on having gratitude for the present.
You don’t know that that’s true. All that you can do is be a good father going forward.
Maybe it did, maybe it was always going to be like that. There’s no way to be a 100% certain right now. The only certainty is right now. Are you being a good father? Are you being a better person? Are you trying your best? Are you making amends by bettering yourself every single days? Those are the questions you should be asking yourself. It’s never too late to do better, yesterday’s sorrows should not be tomorrow’s pains. I understand it’s hard and you are right to hate yourself, but as long as you’re alive the only thing you can do is love him and do the best you can to be there for him. I believe in you, you can do it. Forgive yourself, we are not perfect, do not torture yourself alive, everyone deserves love and that begins from within my friend. -from someone who made a lot of mistakes and tries to atone everyday for the pain I caused.
I mean if he was born with the disorder it’s not necessarily your fault. Plenty of kids unfortunately grow up in really really shitty/stressful situations and while it certainly didn’t help him I wouldn’t think it’s the main cause.
How long after he was born did you start to get your shit together?
It’s not your fault your son was born with a genetic disorder. It happens and it’s not easy. Don’t guilt yourself for it just do what you can to support your son best you can now and..stop the being an ass part
He’s just different. Get it together and be proud of the milestones he can achieve. It won’t be easy to navigate, but there are people who live in this world while being born different. You have to show him how proud you are of him when he accomplishes even the seemingly smallest of tasks.
Brother, don’t put that type of stress on yourself. I’m not a doctor, but I highly doubt the stress you caused is the reasoning behind your son’s speech language disorder. Be kind to yourself and love your son each and every day! Stay strong!
how old is he? best thing to do is give him early interventions! get him into ABA services, speech therapy & school!
This is not your fault. You’re clearly carrying a lot of guilt, but it’s not grounded in how apraxia actually works. Childhood apraxia of speech is a neurological condition and there’s no evidence that a father’s stress or behavior during pregnancy causes it. Even in cases of high maternal stress, there’s still no established link to apraxia. What you’re doing is trying to assign blame to yourself for something that’s overwhelmingly likely to have been out of your control. That doesn’t mean your behavior back then was okay, but it also doesn’t mean you caused this. Your son’s condition isn’t your fault
You didn’t cause this, you mongrel.
Just be a man and look after your son.
If stress caused these issues, so many more people would be like this.
I went through an extremely stressful situation with a volatile co-worker for months. She made me feel so stressed out I cried everyday and had to take a couple weeks off at one point. I was afraid she would get physical because she had issues.
Stress does not cause this. It doesn’t help but I don’t think you caused this. All you can do now is your best to support and love him, since his life will not be easy.
Yeah you messed up by dealing with your emotions with alcohol. Were you mean or were you physically abusive? Women have to be resilient and go through pregnancy in incredibly high stress situations. Unless you’re not including all the details I can’t see how this is your fault. Nothing you did caused your son to have apraxia. Good things happen to bad people and vice versa
Yes you could be the reason if you hit her as one cause is head trauma or it could be other reasons. You cannot go back in time but you can be a good father now and get him the various therapy he needs to at least help as much as possible.
Did you karate kick your wife in the uterus?
The kid has a slight disorder, big deal.
It’s not even remotely your fault. Sounds like you are a first class dad and are fully engaged. That’s all that matters.
Hey man, I’m really sorry you’re carrying that kind of weight. But I just want to say no one’s perfect, especially when faced with life-altering news they weren’t prepared for. You clearly feel deep remorse and love your son, and that does matter.
Apraxia isn’t something that’s fully understood or definitively caused by stress. Blaming yourself completely isn’t fair. What’s important now is how you show up for your son today. If you’re there, supporting him, helping him navigate the world that’s huge. Be the dad he needs now, not the one you wish you were back then. That’s how healing starts.
Op refuses to respond to comments of whether he hit his wife while pregnant! If you hit her then you probably caused it.
Is there any way he could learn sign language? Maybe you all as a family could so he could get the right words out in a different way. It may help ease any frustration he might have trying to communicate as well. I’m not in the deaf community so if this is inappropriate to suggest I apologize.
So that bat that you’re carrying around to beat yourself up with…. Put it down. We can’t change our past actions. We can only do the next right thing today. I hear so much remorse in this post so I’m guessing you’re no longer making the same mistakes. If your son today knows a father who loves him that’s all he needs. He needs YOU. With all your imperfections and try agains, and attempts to be a better father and your love…parenting is faking it with the best of intentions and it’s never too late to start over if you feel you’re not giving it your best. But like I said, based on the remorse that I hear in your post, I’m guessing that’s not the case. I hope you stop beating yourself up over this because I suspect it gets in the way of you really enjoying who your son is. So his language disorder can’t be “fixed.” But there are supports out there for him and for you and maybe his own “words” can become something you celebrate him for. Like a super secret language that only those closest to him understand like your own little love language. I guess what I’m saying is all is not lost. I wish you the best of luck.
Speech Therapist weighing in here…. If you are talking about Childhood Apraxia of Speech (CAS)/Developmental Verbal Dyspraxia (DVD), you cannot ’cause’ these to happen, they are genetic (mostly due to mutation on the FOXP2 gene). It is not stress related. But stress and anxiety may make managing it harder, as communication and emotions go hand in hand. It can not be cured, but therapy can make a huge difference, though progress can be slow. AAC is an option if speech is too difficult.
And please, build your son up, speech difficulties can chip away at confidence, and the way you talk about it sounds filled with shame. He needs support, patience, endless love, and confidence in all his skills and progress. So whatever you were in the past, you can gift him these things in the present.
(Edited for an unfortunate spelling mistake)
I sometimes think the same thing about my daughter man…. Ive never revealed this to anyone and here I am about to for internet strangers…
My middle child had the worst time when she was a newborn. During this time, I was bad. Alcoholic. Always neglectful. I have blown up at her as a baby… I never hurt her bad or was like a crazy evil father, but there was a few times I remember yelling. Being so stressed out and being so aggressive with her.. I am so mad and angry as I type this toward myself…
My point is, it may or may not be a result of that. If it is, I truly hate myself entirely and I feel like I should fucking do something to myself as consequence. Seriously. Fucking seriously…. But that doesn’t solve anything? That doesn’t do anything at all but make me negative and hateful toward myself.
What does she deserve? A good man. A good father. Someone with patience. So, I have been that for a long time for her specifically. I love my little girl. She has a speech impediment as well, but not diagnosed like you explained for yours.
Be kind to yourself. If it was your fault, you be a man and fucking suck it up dude. This is what I call the Beast’s Burden. The beast you were, WERE, is not the man you are now. However, the man you are now has to pay the consequence of the Beast’s doing. This is your burden to carry in this life. You need to learn to say fuck it and be the best you can be now and for the rest of your and his life!!!
If it is your fault, then so be it. Do everything right from this point on. Be that change you wish you were in the past. This new dignity will serve you very well. Better than just succumbing to “I am a piece of shit. I dont deserve to even live. I am going to hell. I am such a bad father”. All that does, is prevent you from becoming the man you want to be and that your son deserves.
It’s okay to vent, thats what this sub is for!!! You are strong for saying this. You are not alone. Men have done a lot worse and felt a lot more regret than you. You will be okay 🙂
There’s a reason some cultures have pregnant women rest as the community takes care of her during her pregnancy and after childbirth. The mother’s stress passes onto the baby during it’s most formative brain development period and the affects of stress wires your kid differently.
You did not say abide by abortion! I’m sure your wife wasn’t ready either. I get so sick of men having sex no protection and being shocked a baby comes from sex! I hear so many times it feels better well you wouldn’t know had you never done it until you were ready for a child. However are you leaving out physical abuse? How did you cause the apraxia are you saying it’s because you caused your wife so much stress and anxiety. Apraxia can be caused by multiple things.
As a mom to a kid with apraxia you did not cause this and I know that because when my son was first diagnosed I was riddled with guilt trying to come up with a way I caused my perfect baby to not be perfect . Your kiddo and mine are roughly about the same age and for me one day it clicked it wasn’t about what I did to cause this but what can I do to help him through this.
Apraxia will never go away it will be a life long and I hate to use the word struggle but it will be , keep him in speech and communicate with his speech therapist on ways at home to support him . After 8 years of speach my son can be understood by strangers when talking ,something that when he was 4 and without language I never thought was possible for him .
Not sure if you are looking for advice but when he mixes up words correct him then break down the word he’s missing and have him repeat the word . That seemed to help my son , he now gets to the point when he notices before he says the wrong word stops to let his brain catch up to what his mouth is trying to say .
That’s good your taking accountability for how you treated your wife during her pregnancy. But you have no way of knowing if that was the reason your son was born like that. All you can do is try and maybe seek therapy with your wife if your not already going. And try and be the best husband and father you can be. No you can’t makeup for the past but you can learn from your mistakes and try to move forward. I wish you and your family peace and healing.
[deleted]
My son has autism and apraxia, I was fortunate to get him into a world class school when he was 3, this was 15 years ago. They were trialing a new method of therapy for apraxia, it’s called PROMPT, they actually use their hands to facilitate mouth movement and sound articulation . It sounded bizarre but I consented to this method, my son is verbal although not always easily understood
My son has apraxia and I was told he would never speak. He’s sitting across from me right now watching paw patrol and narrating every single thing.
Do not give up and tell your wife you are sorry, that you will make it up to her everyday. You could start by learning sign language so you could both say I love you mom. (We used ASL for 2 years and now no longer need it)
Good luck to you
100% not your fault. It’s fine to feel bad for handling stuff badly but his disability isn’t because of your behaviour, and if anyone is telling you it is they’re lying. Just try to be the best dad you can be to the kid.
You did it, or maybe you didn’t cause it , who knows?¿ the advice I would give you is that you have to forgive yourself and learn to love your son. Support him and until the end of your time. He will grow up to know that his dad was supportive and stood by he’s side when he was learning to speak or when he had hard time to say certain words, his dad was there who told him to take it slowly. His dad came up with alternative ways to help him communicate with others.
You don’t seem to understand how genetics work
Honestly, nobody knows if it was you or if it was genetic. Anyhow, you gotta get your shit together and give your all for your child, no more remorse, just going forward and appreciate him and your wife.
You fucking hit her, didn’t you? DIDN’T YOU!?
Be a good father and praise the floor your wife walks on.
If you were not ready to be a father why were you not wearing a condom? I feel really sorry for your wife and son
Apraxia’s etiology encompasses genetic factors, stroke, cerebral palsy, autism, and other conditions. While maternal stress may indirectly influence fetal development, a direct causal relationship with apraxia remains unestablished. Reconcile with your wife for your past mistakes, forgive yourself, and prioritize personal growth and self-improvement for the benefit of yourself, your son, and your family. While introspection is understandable, self-recrimination is unproductive, particularly given the uncertain extent of any potential contribution to your son’s developmental challenges. I wish you and your family the best!
Maybe just forget it happened? Maybe just push it to the back of your mind? I mean, what’s the worse that could happen? /s
I had to look up what childhood apraxia of speech was. According to a few medical sites, that type of apraxia is either due to genetics or brain injury, such as maybe stroke, lack of oxygen, or physical blow. Unless your responsibility lies in any of those areas the condition is likely not your fault.
Just love him. He will need your support and encouragement going forward. Any guilt you are feeling may confuse him. Therapy might be able to help you work through some of it.
That’s the dumbest excuse for self pity I’ve ever heard..
I swear there are some people who need something like that to live.
Just take care rof your son. Use the time you spend thinking you caused it to help him.
Yup, you need to repent. Join a organization and do overseas missions for the underprivileged for the rest of your sinful life.
How did your drinking after your wife got pregnant give your son apraxia at birth?
She was already pregnant before you started drinking so your child was going to be born with it anyway.
Right?
Google says there is no link between stress and apraxia. Plenty of people have a buttload of horrible horrible stress and no effects on their babies. You think you caused her more stress than a pregnant mom in an active war zone? I don’t think so. Babies are born through way worse stress. There can be some effects, but that is not one of them
yes i think this does happen
Mean to her how?? Is there something you’re leaving out?
My oldest grandson was born with a speech impediment. My daughter is a recovering germaphobe. Washed her hands until they were raw right before his birth. I believe her intention was good but stuff happens sometimes. Don’t beat yourself up. Do what’s best for your kid.
It’s never about how you fell down. It’s always about how you got back up.
Even if you did cause him to have an issue with speech. Being a present father and husband is important for his further development. Having a child is one of the biggest blessings in this world. Teach him all you can. Just remember to be a good person in life
Did you cause this condition? If so, this is way above the pay grade of this mob. That must be a different level of guilt, get yourself to a proper therapist pronto
This is heavy burden to carry. You must give it to God and let it go.
If you hit her, admit it.