This is gonna be an odd one to write, it might be a long post or a short post. I don’t really know where my mind is at as I’m writing this. I’m just going to see where it takes me.
So to start off, I’m religious (big shocker). But for the past few years of my life I have been battling an (addiction?) to porn. The reason why I’m confused on if its an addiction or not is because my habits behind it are so sporadic yet volatile its confusing.
I don’t watch porn every day or have thoughts about it every day. Instead I actually only watch it every 3-6 months, but when I do, I decide to try and unhealthily binge watch everything I didn’t look at in those timeframes. Which makes the time periods where I do consume porn like 3 days to two weeks. This is fucking exhausting and mentally draining, and by the end of it I’m so sick of it I never want to touch it ever again, until my mind resets and that 3-6 month timer starts again. To make matters worse, I’ve developed OCD for it! I actually download the porn and have nearly collected two assorted terabytes of stuff of my tastes. It’s absolutely ridiculous in my opinion.
How did we even get here? Well I was groomed in my highschool years, I’m not going act like I haven’t seen porn before that happened but she wanted to watch it together all the time, and she wasn’t toxic to me at all. The concept of the relationship was toxic but she was a really nice lady. I’ve only had one GF after that and it was long distance and didn’t last long so I feel as if I use porn as a coping mechanism sometimes to remember the “good days” I guess.
If you thought it can’t get worse than that, it does. How do you top going on porn binges and collecting TBs of porn? By making it yourself.
I’ve made animations, audios, and my most guilty pleasure is me ejaculating on pictures of anime girls posted online. But why? Why would you ever do that? The answer is simple, it’s the praise, the recognition, the “fame”, the ego stroking.
I’ll be frank, I’m still a virgin and the two GFs I’ve had didn’t compliment me to much on a physical level. Sure they found me attractive (they let me know that, a lot) but lets just say they preferred much bigger in the down there region and they told me as much, this rooted an extremely deep insecurity within me and its honestly something I still haven’t truly gotten over. So somewhere along the line I got the bright idea to do the things I do, and the dopamine rush I get from women and men who absolutely lose their mind at the tribute videos I make elates me.
It’s sickening, it’s pitiful, I know. It’s not who I want to be. As much as I try and struggle to just ignore it around 3-6 months in I always cave in and fold and just go on a rampage for a week or two. It’s utterly disgusting and ridiculous. Maybe this doesn’t sound bad to you. I mean, porn for 3-5 weeks max out of the year? Some people watch it every day! I understand that but for me its awful. I probably need therapy of some sort.
Comments
No big deal buddy. Seems like a walk in the park. It’s just porn, who gives a fuck?
Humans evolved to want sex.
The more you make porn into this big scary monster the more it will cause this weird cycle.
Try to watch porn every week, keep the sessions shorter, and do whatever you want bro.
Your upbringing is probably deeply rooted and making this feel “wrong” which is making something pretty normal feel dirty and sinful.
The past experiences with women are also contributing to making this worse than it needs to. You might want to consider tackling the awful things they said to you and work on separating their comments from your worth and your feeling of being attractive. Therapy can help.
The more you demonize porn the worse your situation will be, so remember there are millions of people who watch porn, and NO ONE CARES!