I received him as a gift after several miscarriages. I wasn’t coping well. But, after meeting my Wiener dog things changed. I knew the moment I met him I would pour every bit of love I had into him. I even told everyone when he passed they’d have to keep a close eye on me because I probably wouldn’t be ok.
When I met my Wiener guy I named him Gus Gus because he reminded me of the mouse from Cinderella. Sweet, goofy, innocent. But a 4 year old girl would visit him at work and kept calling him Mr. Wiener. He seemed to like that name more, So Mr. Wiener it became. He was a cute little piebald dachshund, green eyes, fat chunky paws, a strong tail. Soft as velvet.
He went everywhere with me. We hiked and hiked his entire life. I swear if I climbed a mountain and I couldn’t bring him up with me, he’d find a way to make it work. I wish I could share some of his photos. I remember looking down a few times and somehow he ended up on the ledge right beneath me. Maybe a bit of separation anxiety fueled him. After a few times I got a backpack so he could come up with me. I remember working out at the gym specifically to strengthen my legs to carry more weight up the mountain just to be able to bring him. He kept me in shape. We slept in caves, watched the otters and beavers fight every morning. I saw my first bear with him. He scared off his fair share of coyotes. I was always throughly impressed with his keen senses and courage.
He was physically strong as well, and didn’t show signs of ivdd or back issues at all. We always called him strong back Wiener. I could go on and on. We had a 2 week stay in Arkansas in 2024. We did SO MUCH in that two weeks. We even explored a private cave and found a new swimming hole. I kept telling him how excited I was for our next stay in Missouri. The older he got the more adventurous he seemed.
The month after we got back, he collapsed. His back had given out one morning at 6:28 am. He couldn’t control his bowels, he screamed in pain. He didn’t stop. It went on for months. I can’t even describe the pain he was in. There was no life behind his eyes. He didn’t qualify for surgery because there was nothing they could do. He was too old for surgery as well. I went to 3 different veterinarians for different opinions and no one would agree to operate on him. Even going two states away to a veterinarian who specialized in ivdd. I couldn’t believe it. I felt so bad dragging him a long and nothing was changing. He was on morphine injections twice daily. He would lay there and drool and whine even on morphine. Every movement was painful, and it got worse daily. I decided that after 6 months I would put him to sleep.
He passed peacefully on my couch May 20th 2024.
I saw him pass, and I saw him leave in a little wicker basket but never truly felt like he was gone. Sometimes I say out loud “ok universe, you can give me my dog back now…” I still feel him next to me and sometimes hear him bark and hear his little paws running across the house.
2 months after he passed I stopped getting out of bed due to depression. I stopped showering, drinking water, eating, etc. I developed severe uti from poor hygiene and was a day away from dying of sepsis. No one came to check on me. I even lost my job, and haven’t been able to hold a job since.
Everyday I feel physical pain in my heart. The other day I went to the hospital with a resting heart rate of 207, was in tachycardia. (They thought I was doing drugs.) I can’t seem to get over it. I go to counseling and am on medication, that doesn’t seem to help either. I quit exercising, I quit volunteering, I’ve developed a sedentary lifestyle. Every bit of joy I had was ripped away from me. I try everyday to get up and do something but I will sit in my car and cry and cry.
Anyway, next month will make a year he’s been gone and a year is a long time to still feel like this. Just today I started to regret euthanizing him and am questioning my decision and that isn’t making anything any better. I hope he isn’t mad at me. He doesn’t visit me in my dreams like my previous dogs do.
There is this scene from Frankenweenie that always plays in my head. I would share that too if I could. I hope soon I can find some solace and create a new life he would be proud of me for.
Thanks for listening.