I am in a horrible situation that is really affecting my mental health . I’m 61 and single . My son now 34 turned up 3 years ago with 2 dogs a cat to stay with me . Initially for a few months to get himself a job and own place to stay. 3 years later I lost the flat I was renting due to breaking the rules by letting him stay.that also incurred damages by his dogs to doors and carpets. I lost my deposits . I then bought my first home a small cottage and he moved in with me as again he would be homeless. He has never worked since being here. Studies OU at home and barely looks after his dogs who are big and prevent me from having the home and garden I deserve. My carpets are ruined, my house smells and my garden is so small I can’t enjoy it . I’ve asked him to move out , he tells me he is trying but he has no income relies on benefits and its difficult when he has dogs to private rent in the UK, he won’t let me speak because he accuses me of butting in or being angry when I am not , refuses to read messages. Tell me he doesn’t feel welcome and tells me I’m a horrible nasty person pretty much daily .He’s 34 was diagnosed 2 years ago with Aspergers . He has worked running pubs and night clubs in the past but now he is referring to himself as a disabled man . I feel trapped and my mental health is getting worse and worse. I am on my own and really need help with what to do .
I need advice please
r/Advice
Comments
Tell him he’s got a month to get his act together or he’ll be kicked out of the house. He’s had long enough and he’s not respecting you, or your space.
You have worked all your life and deserve some peace in your ‘golden years’ give him a firm timeline and if he does not leave, change the locks and or move . Maybe get him connected with an Aspergers group/network. If you allow this to continue you will end up miserable and with a damaged relationship in any case.
Tell him what his move out date is.
Then get on with your life and repair all the damage that he created.
You have given him so much time to repair everything. I think a really nice person might have given him 3 months to repair his life and he has done nothing but sit on his ass and destroy yours. He is taking advantage now. He has been taking advantage for a long time. He needs to move out. If he is going to be homeless over this, that’s his own damn fault and he needs to figure out his s***. Some people will not grow until they hit rock bottom, and he sounds like one of them. He is definitely a person who will not grow until they are absolutely forced to by life’s consequences.
The conversation is very simple, you might consider something like this:
“Your move out date is May 31st. After that date the locks will be changed and anything that remains in the home will be thrown out onto the lawn. This date is non-negotiable. I will not be extending. “
I am appalled at his behavior of not house breaking his animals. It is not that hard. This is not a third world country. Even in a third world country they do not do this.
Please be prepared for him to wine and cry and try to do absolutely everything that he can to stay or convince you otherwise. After you stand firm, he absolutely will go on a rant about how the world is against him and it’s not his fault and it’s everybody else’s fault. Absolutely he will. He doesn’t have the emotional maturity to do anything else. If he did have that emotional maturity, he wouldn’t be here.
You’re not on your own, you’re stuck with him and his dogs.
He clearly (ab)uses his diagnosis to stay away from any form of work.
You shouldn’t enable him to do so and kick him out.
Start eviction proceedings. He’s never going to go willingly, and why would he when he can live off of you for free.
Don’t ‘ask’ him to move out, set a date that he needs to be out by whether or not he has found a job and place to live. The actual definition of raising a child successfully is that they are able to be independent adults and take care of themselves. Having Aspergers doesn’t negate this in any way; I have several friends with adult kids with Aspergers. Yes they struggle a bit more, but they are perfectly able to work and live on their own. You need to stop enabling this adult. Enlist local authorities if needed, but give him 30 days to get out. Then follow through. He is mistreating you and this is affecting your ability to stand up for yourself. Please don’t remain living with your abuser.
I have a nephew on the Asperger spectrum as well as a severely autistic daughter, so I know something about this. The normal social mores are either lacking or nonexistent so this makes it particularly tough because it’s not a black and white issue. While I think the advice above would be spot on for anyone not mentally challenged, this makes it much tougher. The question you have to ask yourself is “between now and dead. Is this how you want to live your life? “ Since you know what the answer is, you need to follow through. I would encourage you getting with a support network of other parental groups who had to do the same thing.
He isn’t getting the help he needs at your house. He should be evaluated by the professionals and moved to appropriate care. By insisting he go, you are not kicking him out, you’re lifting him up.
Tellhim to give the pets away this month (because they’ll prevent him from ever being able to get an apartment). Then tell him that you want him to move by the end of May. You might have to write the cheque for first month’s rent and damage deposit, but it will be worth it. Then never allow him back and never lend him the key to your NEW locks.Avoid him as much as possible for a year. Never inquire about how he’s doing and don’t show sympathy to him. Get a boarder (a real paying one)for a while, just so his old room is UNAVAILABLE. You must make him become more responsible for himself.
In order to stay, we have to follow the rules and regulations?
Tell him you will have to start paying rent for him and his dogs give him him the ultimatum pay or leave
I would talk with a family law attorney to evict him with the proper procedures for your area.
If there is seniors housing or apartments in your area, maybe look at moving into a one bedroom and selling your house? Then your son has to take responsibility for himself. Aspergers should not prevent him from working. Look up support in your community for seniors and family members of people with mental illness. The more outside support you have the better.