I’ve been posting on this sub about my relationship for a while now, and it took a lot of comments to make me realize that I need to leave. I’ve been thinking about breaking up for a long time and at first I thought it was just the new relationship feeling wearing off (and the pandemic depression/stress) but it’s much more than that.
The main reasons I’m breaking up is because
1. He has been horrible with making financial decisions and has a history of debt and crawling his way out of it. He has been unemployed for years because he doesn’t seem to stand out in this very competitive job market. And he’s not willing to pivot and move or take other opportunities that could help him get his foot in the door. I can’t trust him to be responsible to do whatever it takes one day if we have a family
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He used to pressure me to have sex and it killed my interest completely. I thought I got over it after having a conversation about it but I’m not past it and he also doesn’t do anything for me. It’s like he’s just having sex with my body. I excused this for a long time becuase he’s not selfish in any other area in life except this so it was hard to believe.
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I have had to carry the mental load of everything when we don’t even live together yet. I make plans with friends/family, I make plans for trips, I plan the future and how much to save etc. I’ve had a conversation about this and how he needs to take a lead but he makes excuses for how it doesn’t come naturally, there’s never a good time, and how he doesn’t have money to make these plans.
We’ve been together for 6-7 years. I want to be married and have a family or travel more or move to another country. But he’s not ready due to finances for any of these. I’ve felt guilty for the last 3 years for thinking about leaving and have been patient to believe in him and be by his side through a tough time with unemployment.
I was going to break up a couple times but whenever I start by explaining why I’m not happy with the relationship, he starts giving explanations and it sounds convincing and makes me feel like I should be understanding. I’ve never had to break up with someone like this. Please tell me how to go about this, I am filled with guilt and anxiety.
Comments
Don’t discuss it. “I am breaking up with you” is a complete sentence. No discussion necessary. If he tries, just say “I don’t need to discuss. My decision is final”
Ah girly, theres no magic solution unfortunately. I remember when I broke up with my ex of 7 years i felt sick and couldn’t eat for a week leading up to it because i felt soo guilty and full of dread. Its like a band-aid you gotta rip off. It will be unpleasant and difficult but you can do it. I suggest going to his place or somewhere neutral so that you are able to leave once you’ve had the conversation. Just tell him you’ve fallen out of love with him and you’re on different paths in life and you’re not happy anymore. If you don’t think you can find the words you can write a letter and hand it to him to read while you’re there. He will probably cry or beg you not to leave but you need to just be strong, wish him the best and go. You will feel relieved when you leave. You can do this, im rooting for you.
This is not 100% relevant because it sounds like, no offense, your guy kind of actually sucks. https://captainawkward.com/2022/03/09/1368-the-ethics-of-breaking-up-with-someone-when-you-live-together-and-nothing-is-glaringly-awful/ But it is one of the best primers on “how to dump someone who really does not want to be dumped/move out of the headspace of taking responsibility for what happens to them after you dump them.”
He’s stopping you from meeting your husband, remember that when he tries to plead his case.
If you feel guilt and anxiety, then free yourself by wanting a better man for your future kids. It’s not selfish to want the best partner and best dad you can identify, are attracted to and be compatible with. It’s one of the most consequential decisions to make in one’s life.
It’s not your responsibility to fix his problems or his unemployment. Three years is more than enough time to have been understanding, and that’s probably 3x longer than most women would be with his abusive behavior.
Also you don’t need a reason to break up. People break up all the time just because. You have more than enough reasons. This is an exercise in standing up for yourself and telling him NO. Listen to Taylor Swift’s song about we are never getting back together. If he starts arguing, you can say. “This is part of the reason I’m breaking up with you –– you feel your opinion matters to me more than my own and that you can control my behavior. That ends today and it won’t work anymore.” Plus you can say “I don’t feel any romantic chemistry anymore.” Or “I am unfulfilled by this relationship.” They are your feelings, ones he cannot argue with. End of. And hang up the phone or walk away.
Do it in public or on a video call if you are scared he will retaliate.
“I’ve thought about it a lot: this relationship isn’t working for me anymore, and I don’t think we’re a good fit for what I want from my life long term” is a totally valid reason. Acknowledge that you’ve both given it a good effort, and admit that it’s not what you hoped it would be.
The convo is not going to feel good, and there’s really no way to make it feel good when you’re not on the same page about splitting up. The guilt usually stems from trying to not hurt other people’s feelings – realistically, you don’t have any control over someone else’s feelings though, no matter how kind or direct you are with this sort of convo. Few people enjoy rejection. It’s very likely that he’ll attempt to make you feel bad when he realizes that he can’t talk you out of it. Allow him to feel his feelings, remember to prioritize your own feelings, and do your best to not take anything he says out of anger or hurt personally.
That being said: I can almost guarantee that the relief you’ll feel after it’s over and done with will be worth all of this anxiety (and then some.) You may get called cold/heartless/unempathetic/etc – know it isn’t true. Thank him for the time you spent together, and if he tries to explain why you should stay together, tell him that you need to do what is best for you and staying together isn’t it anymore. I don’t think you really need to get into the specific details of what’s wrong with him as you’ve outlined here, and doing so will likely lead to more emotionally exhausting outcomes.
Good luck. 🫶🏼
good luck, op.
You want to end the relationship and he tries to justify his actions. Why is he trying to excuse himself instead of improving his behavior? If he was worth someone staying with he would hold himself accountable and not give himself a pass. He’s basically guilting you into staying with him. And now that you’re filled with guilt and anxiety he’s getting what he wants. Aren’t you annoyed? This guy won’t let you just end it.
Just say it’s over. It doesn’t have to be eloquent, you already gave him reasons, you don’t owe him anything and are just stating a loss of the relationship. If he pushes back you end the conversation and your word is final.