We (41F and 43M) have been together almost two years and alcohol has been present since the beginning. At first, I thought his drinking was mainly because we were getting to know one another and having fun but I gradually started to feel uneasy about how much he drank. I really began to notice that it was an issue when we went away for a family holiday (me and my then 12 yr old and my partner). We went to a pub for lunch and he spent more time at the bar back and forth to the table than he did with us. I drove us back to the holiday home and he kept on drinking all afternoon (and drank the owners booze too). He absolutely stank of alcohol the next day and I had to drive us home because he was most definitely over the limit. There was no apology or acknowledgement that he had overdone it. I told him when we got home that I was concerned by how much he was drinking and that I thought he needed to rein it in. I suggested we do dry Jan which he agreed to.
Fast forward to mid Jan and i noticed that the whiskey bottle in the cabinet was a very strange light yellow colour. Turns out it was mostly water and after confronting him about this he came clean and told me he had been drinking it and watering it down. After this, I have periodically smelt alcohol on his breath during the middle of the day, but he has denied drinking. I have found more bottles of whiskey or other booze in the cabinet or in his car. When I confront him he says he hides it to avoid conflict with me (even though he drinks in front of me, and we will have a glass of wine together over dinner). Every holiday we have been on involves him binge drinking every day. And sometimes when we’ve been away he will have whiskey in his coffee in the morning or a glass of wine.
He denies he has a drinking problem (although I have threatened to leave him if there is any more dishonesty and he now admits that maybe there is a problem and has promised that he will quit drinking). But I grew up in a house where alcohol was normalised so I am having a hard time trusting my gut and doubting myself. He is also kind and patient and doesn’t get angry so I know it could be worse. But I feel like he has created an environment that has normalised dishonesty and deception and I have lost my trust in him and in our relationship. I guess i am just seeking advice as to whether you think there is a serious problem here. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in a hyper vigilant state and I feel like that is where I am at right now. I’m also spending way too much time thinking about what to do.
TL;DR my partner has a problematic relationship with alcohol; but I worry I am overreacting because alcohol is prevalent and has been normalised in my life.
Comments
The very second a person starts to hide their drinking, it is a problem. No ifs ands or buts. He has a drinking problem.
Don’t ignore your instincts. Until he hits his rock bottom (whatever that might be), he will most likely not quit. I grew up with alcoholic parents and my spouse was similar with the drinking. The hiding alcohol and binge drinking are signs he has a bad problem.
I told myself that was not the life that I wanted to live. I talked with my partner about it (while sober) and coincidently they got pulled over for driving under the influence not long after. They made a decision to seek help and have been alcohol free for 10 years now. Without the alcohol, they really turned their life around and have been doing amazing in life and at work.
Look at what he does and stop listening to what he says. You can’t control your partner, only your actions and reactions. Alcoholism is a terrible disease and as much as it hurts to cut them loose, sometimes you have to do something that is best for you.
He’s an alcoholic, pure and simple. Even if you don’t think its “Bad” because he’s not violent or angry, think about your kid and the example it sets for them. Think about what happens in an emergency, and your “Partner” is too hammered to act or help. Until he admits it’s a problem, and is honestly WANTING to change, nothing is going to happen.